Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 36
I asked my ex-girlfriend, “Do you think we’ll get back together?” She said, “I think the chances are better of me putting Super Unleaded into a rented car.”
I think people are a little bit intimidated by me. You know, I'm not exactly a wilting flower, so I think they're a little bit scared of me sometimes.
Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, a good cigar and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.
Now let's repeat the non-conformists' oath: I promise to be different! (audience repeats) I promise to be unique! (audience repeats) I promise not to repeat things other people say! (audience repeats, laughs) Good!
And then the other CEOs would gather and they'd go, "Who's that?" "Who's that? That, my friends, is my very esteemed personal ball washer. What did you guys buy? Another car? Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"
And by the way, you’re supposed to have anxiety. Did you know that? It’s a human emotion. It’s been around for a couple of million years. You’re supposed to worry about things. You’re supposed to be concerned that the rent’s not going to get paid, ‘cause that’s how the fucking rent gets paid!
He has the disease of alcoholism. And he came to me... and he told me, and I'm the kind of guy that likes to look at the bright side of things. So I told him, I said, 'Richie, it's true that you have a disease and everything, but I think you got the best one.'
Golf is more fun than walking naked in a strange place, but not much.
Women in bed are like Diesel engines. What I mean by that is, it may take them a while to get going, but when you do, they can go for a long, long time. Whereas men are like... bottle rockets.
It's the suppression of the word that gives it the power, the violence, the viciousness.
The war is really about religion. The war's between Jesus and Muhammad. The Christians say Jesus is the messenger. Muslims say Muhammad is the messenger. Who gives a expletive who the messenger is did you get the message?
I had long hair and I was going bald. There’s no way to do both of those things and look cool. Every year I looked more and more like Ben Franklin.
First of all white people, please stop putting those lil blue leashes on your children, PLEASE STOP DOIN THAT! that is only entertainment for niggas. thats all that is! we be excited then a motha fucka 'just look at him look at hi-' that's why white kids grow up and kill everybody in the god damn school cuz you done treat him like a German Shepperd ever since they was three!
I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.