Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 37
I was married to a subliterate, terra-cotta-toothed imbecile with violent tendencies.
I'm very religious, you know. Now, OK, if by 'religious', you mean that I go to church every Sunday, read the bible faithfully, and I listen to Debbie Boone, umm, I'm not religious in that sense... But if by 'religious' you mean that I love others and try to help them whenever possible... Again, no. But if by 'religious' you mean that I like to eat coleslaw... Yeah, OK, OK!
I finally stopped drinking when I hit seventeen years old. Yes, imagine the fuckup I must have been. Stopped drinking because it isn't really good for your health... and I fell into a bonfire! Yeah, you're done drinking then. You don't need AA. Falling into a bonfire is a one-step program.
Ted Kennedy, a good senator but a bad date you know what I mean? "What'd I forget? Goddamit the fuckin' girl! Jesus Christ where are my pants?"
I once went on a date with a girl where we went hiking... and she gets bit by a snake in between her toes, andI had to suck out the poison... so she’s dead.
A nigga so broke these days somebody rob me they just be practicing.
I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There must be.'
I saw this on CNN a few days ago. In New York these cops freaked out. They shot at this guy 15 times 'cause they thought he was holding a grenade. He was eating a pear! How do you fuck that up?! Unless he was eating it like "Ahhhhh! That's a delicious pear!"
When you first get married, you have a relationship that's so important to you, and you're working on it together. But then you have a kid. And you look at your kid and you go, "Holy shit, this is my child. She has my DNA. She has my name. I would die for her." And you look at your spouse and go, "Who the fuck are you? You're a stranger."
There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be bad. They must be outrageous to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven... bad words.” That’s what they told us, right? You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits.
I have complete faith in the continued absurdity of whatever’s going on.
I learned this summer that peeing in the pool and peeing INTO the pool are very different things. Location, Location, Location.
Well with girls I don't get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said "Are you Louise?" She said, "Are you Rodney?" I said, "Yeah." She said, "I'm not Louise."
As an alcoholic, you will violate your standards quicker than you can lower them. You will do shit that even the Devil would go "dude..."