Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 37
You're gonna be the nine-toed-havingest-limpingest bitch in Harlem if you don't stop fucking with me.
I have a lot of beliefs and I live by none of 'em. That's just the way I am. They're just my beliefs. I just like believing them. I like that part. They're my little "believies." They make me feel good about who I am. But if they get in the way of a thing I want, or I want to jack off or something, I fuckin' do that.
If someone asks you if you're ticklish, it doesn't matter if you say yes or no. They want to touch you. If someone asks you if you're ticklish and you do not want to be touched, say something like 'I have diarrhea. And yes, I am very ticklish.'
Cause you think we all live in castles. And we do all live in castles. We got a castle each. We’re up to here with fuckin’ castles. We just long for a bungalow or something.
Some of yall ladies is looking for an 100% good nigga, and I had a meeting with all these niggas in attendance tonight and established that there is no such a nigga. So stop looking for him. Some of yall had a 98% nigga and yall got rid of him for 2% now you siting next to a 71% nigga hoping he upgrade.
Ain't noone ever overdosed on weed. You might think that nigga is dead, but he ain't dead. He's gonna wake up in half an hour, and eat eve-erything.
I don't stop eating when I'm full. The meal isn't over when I'm full. It's over when I hate myself.
I'm buying a Cinnabon … at the airport … I arrived at. You understand why that's extra disgusting, right? Because when you're at the airport you're leaving from, you can say, "Oh, I gotta eat. I need some food, because I might be trapped in the sky forever, so I should eat right now." But I've landed. The trip is over. I'm 20 minutes from my house, where I got bananas and apples and shit. And I'm sitting on my luggage just fucking eating a Cinnabon with a fork and knife.
Stop waiting on a nigga to verify wether you the shit or not. Bitch if you the shit, You the Motherfucking Shit!
"I'm just not happy, I'm just not happy. I'm just not happy because my life didn't turn out the way I thought it would." Hey, join the fucking club! I thought I was going to be the starting center fielder for the Boston Red Sox. Life sucks, get a fucking helmet! Alright?
When I get into the shower, there is nobody else in the bathroom. Now, when I get out there are five girls just loitering. I finally confronted them. I said "Why are all five of you in the bathroom?" And my youngest daughter, who's really funny, goes "We're trying to see a hoo-hoo!" I said "I'm gonna tell you all you need to know about hoo-hoos. Hoo-hoos are extremely poisonous." And without missing a beat, she goes "they are not, or the dog would be dead!" I hate a smart child.
Weed was put on ths earth for niggers on the struggle & its got a chemical called fuck it.
Marijuana will be legal someday, because the many law students who now smoke pot will one day be Congressmen and they will legalize it to protect themselves. I don't smoke pot, and I'm glad because then I can champion it without any special pleading. The reason I don't smoke pot is because it facilitates ideas and heightens sensations - and I got enough shit flying through my head without smoking pot.
What do eggs have to do with Jesus Christ? I understand Christmas. Three wise men show up with gifts, 'I love you.' Symbolism, I get that. How did the egg thing happen? Did somebody walk up to somebody else, 'Hey, did you hear? Jesus rose from the dead.' 'Hide the eggs! Hide the eggs! We gotta trick Jesus. Paint the eggs pink or purple. Put them in the park! Trick Jesus!'