Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 37
Scottish people aren't all that friendly are they I once saw an English guy in Glasgow trying to order a pint of lager and lime and the barman went: We don't do cocktails. They've got a good thing at Scottish football games where you're not allowed to bring food to the ground and they actually search you, when you're going in, to make sure you've not got food on you. It's nice to see we've got our fucking priorities right isn't it? What's this sir? A knife. I hope you weren't planning on making sandwiches. Now we've got a Scottish guy who's the number one British tennis player. I've not checked my Nostradamus but isn't that one of the harbingers of the apocalypse? The only time I've previously seen a Scottish guy playing tennis, it was someone playing charades attempting to mime the word homosexual.
I once went on a date with a girl where we went hiking... and she gets bit by a snake in between her toes, andI had to suck out the poison... so she’s dead.
Politics: “Poli” a Latin word meaning “many”; and "tics" meaning “bloodsucking creatures”.
I've been called a racist before, and let me tell you something - that is harsh. That's a really ugly thing to call someone. That's like being called a Mexican.
I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There must be.'
I was born in Honduras, that's where I was born. I live in California, where no matter what you say, you're Mexican. You understand that? It doesn't matter what you say. See - you don't understand that, white people, because wherever you go, you're white. You're here, you're white. You go to L. A., you're white. You go to Denver, you're white. You go to Miami, you're still white. In L. A. I'm a Mexican, In Florida, I'm a Cuban. In New York, I'm a Puerto Rican. And when I come to Canada and I find out I'm an Eskimo.
I saw this on CNN a few days ago. In New York these cops freaked out. They shot at this guy 15 times 'cause they thought he was holding a grenade. He was eating a pear! How do you fuck that up?! Unless he was eating it like "Ahhhhh! That's a delicious pear!"
I have complete faith in the continued absurdity of whatever’s going on.
As an alcoholic, you will violate your standards quicker than you can lower them. You will do shit that even the Devil would go "dude..."
A nigga so broke these days somebody rob me they just be practicing.
I finally stopped drinking when I hit seventeen years old. Yes, imagine the fuckup I must have been. Stopped drinking because it isn't really good for your health... and I fell into a bonfire! Yeah, you're done drinking then. You don't need AA. Falling into a bonfire is a one-step program.
I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "All right Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."
?If a mutha fucka call you a crackhead for 20 years, Bitch you are smoking crack! Whitney done smoked her kneecaps off, and we still talking about "Uh UH!"
I've never sucked a dick. Isn't that weird? My whole life! That's weird to me. It is! It's weird. Because almost everybody has sucked a dick, when you think about it, most people on earth suck dicks. It's true. Because 51% of the population are women and they suck dicks. Then there's all the gay guys who suck dicks. Then there's all the straight guys who have been forced to suck a dick under various circumstances. So there's only like a thousand of us out there who never blew anyone. Just a bunch of selfish assholes that are fuckin' gettin' blown and not blowin' back, you know.