Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 37
I'm not condoning rape, obviously. You should never rape anyone. Unless you have a reason like you want to fuck somebody and they won't let you, in which case what other option do you have? How else are you supposed to have an orgasm in their body if you don't rape them, like what the fuck?
Your request is not unlike your lower intestine, stinky and loaded with danger.
Some people can handle alcohol. You know who you are. Some people can't handle alcohol. The police know who you are.
I have more love in me than not, I have more hope in me than not, and I have more faith than I used to. I just want to get out of the way of what I've been given, so I can do it right.
I lost my fog machine 'cause I left it running for too long. I don't know how fog got associated with partying. 'This weather is way too dangerous to drive in. You guys want to dance?'
The entertainment business is to business what plastic flowers are to flowers.
I think that's why they have so many religious freaks in the airports, they even keep the flowers behind the counter 'Go, go my children... be fruitful and annoy.'
When I was born, I was my parents favorite. But then they seemed to forgot all about me, once they adopted that stupid highway.
Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.
People are so defensive, especially women, ya know. C'mon ladies. I offered a girl a tic-tac one time. Ya know what she says to me "Oh do I need one? Is it my breath? Do you think I need one?" I'm like, I'm just trying to be nice. If I was going to give you something you needed I would give you mustache wax and a t-shirt that says 'One Cock at a Time.'
Before you judge a man, walk a mile in his shoes. After that, who cares? He's a mile away and you've got his shoes.
When you have nothing but big friends, you never get into arguments - except one. And that is, who is the biggest? I'll let you know right now, there's only one way to settle this. We all get in a bus and we go to Disney and we get on a roller coaster - whoever gets the least amount of clicks on the safety bar is the big one.