Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 35
Women are like puzzles because prior to 1920 neither had the right to vote. Puzzles still don't.
The beginning of my sin, if you will, was thinking that it was all a mistake and that I absolutely didn't deserve any of it. I'll tell you, bringing down my own creation that way was as grandiose a way of playing God as you could imagine.
Flowers are the fastest way to a woman's heart. Well, actually, the fastest way is through her rib cage, but flowers are a lot less messy.
She said I was moving too fast... I think it was a nice gesture to give her flowers on the first date. Perhaps the 'Bless This Family' plaque could have waited.
You've got to be optimistic to be single. Stupid. You have to be stupid. That's what optimistic means, you know. It means stupid. An optimist is someone who goes, "Hey, maybe something nice will happen!" Why the fuck would anything nice ever happen?! What are you stupid?!
I've never had a surprise birthday party. I've had every other type of surprise. I've had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think.
I feel bad for people who die on Valentine's Day. How much would flowers cost then, ten grand?
I think it's cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend.
For my birthday that year Anne gave me an inflatable atlas globe, along with a birthday card in which she wrote: "I give you the world. Have fun blowing it up."
I used to believe, like many people who come from poor backgrounds, that it gave me an edge, but I think that's just something we have to tell ourselves to get by sometimes. I don't believe that anymore. Children of privilege can be just as talented and clever as anybody else.