Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 35

You're angry at breakfast nigga? you gangbangin' on bacon!?

She said I was moving too fast... I think it was a nice gesture to give her flowers on the first date. Perhaps the 'Bless This Family' plaque could have waited.

I feel bad for people who die on Valentine's Day. How much would flowers cost then, ten grand?

They can't even put the name in TV Guide.

I still got my hair, I'm not fat.

Flowers are the fastest way to a woman's heart. Well, actually, the fastest way is through her rib cage, but flowers are a lot less messy.

I asked my ex-girlfriend, “Do you think we’ll get back together?” She said, “I think the chances are better of me putting Super Unleaded into a rented car.”

That movie looks so bad, I can't believe I wasn't in it.

My ex-girlfriend was very sexy. She reminded me of the Sphinx because she was very mysterious and eternal and solid... and her nose was shot off by French soldiers.

I used to believe, like many people who come from poor backgrounds, that it gave me an edge, but I think that's just something we have to tell ourselves to get by sometimes. I don't believe that anymore. Children of privilege can be just as talented and clever as anybody else.

At my age flowers scare me.

You've got to be optimistic to be single. Stupid. You have to be stupid. That's what optimistic means, you know. It means stupid. An optimist is someone who goes, "Hey, maybe something nice will happen!" Why the fuck would anything nice ever happen?! What are you stupid?!

I think people are a little bit intimidated by me. You know, I'm not exactly a wilting flower, so I think they're a little bit scared of me sometimes.

I had sex with a prostitute when I was 21, I was so bad, she gave me a refund.

For my birthday that year Anne gave me an inflatable atlas globe, along with a birthday card in which she wrote: "I give you the world. Have fun blowing it up."