Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 35
Your favorite kind of cake can’t be birthday cake, that’s like saying your favorite kind of cereal is breakfast cereal.
The beginning of my sin, if you will, was thinking that it was all a mistake and that I absolutely didn't deserve any of it. I'll tell you, bringing down my own creation that way was as grandiose a way of playing God as you could imagine.
Women are like puzzles because prior to 1920 neither had the right to vote. Puzzles still don't.
She said I was moving too fast... I think it was a nice gesture to give her flowers on the first date. Perhaps the 'Bless This Family' plaque could have waited.
I've never had a surprise birthday party. I've had every other type of surprise. I've had surprise beatings, surprise drug tests, surprise daughter I think.
Flowers are the fastest way to a woman's heart. Well, actually, the fastest way is through her rib cage, but flowers are a lot less messy.
I feel bad for people who die on Valentine's Day. How much would flowers cost then, ten grand?
For my birthday that year Anne gave me an inflatable atlas globe, along with a birthday card in which she wrote: "I give you the world. Have fun blowing it up."
I think it's cool when an ex-girlfriend becomes an XL girlfriend.
And by the way, you’re supposed to have anxiety. Did you know that? It’s a human emotion. It’s been around for a couple of million years. You’re supposed to worry about things. You’re supposed to be concerned that the rent’s not going to get paid, ‘cause that’s how the fucking rent gets paid!