Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 35
My girlfriend is Jewish. But it's easier to buy her a Christmas present and then break it into 8 pieces.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.
My mom was a manic depressive schizophrenic who, after a year in prison, went home and shot herself. My sister, Kirsten, an amazing poet, who was raised by this woman, and was dating a guy who broke up with her for the fourth time in three weeks. And one day, she came to his house, got a gun, and blew her brains out all over his headboard. I just went through a divorce, five years in court and cost me $2 million dollars. If anyone, by law, should be forced to take antidepressants it's me... But instead, I choose to be an antidepressant. And you can take me with alcohol.
My grandmother’s brain was dead, but her heart was still beating; it was the first time we ever had a Democrat in the family.
I had a 'Simpsons' and 'Everybody Hates Chris' spec and I remember thinking I was never going to hear from them again. Even after meeting with Tina, I left thinking I wasn't going to get it.
The people who told us about sun block were the same people who told us, when I was a kid, that eggs were good. So I ate a lot of eggs. Ten years later they said they were bad. I went, "Well, I just ate the eggs!" So I stopped eating eggs, and ten years later they said they were good again! Well, then I ate twice as many, and then they said they were bad. Well, now I'm really fucked! Then they said they're good, they're bad, they're good, the whites are good, th-the yellows - make up your mind! It's breakfast I've gotta eat!
You have to change those diapers every day. When those directions on the side of the Pampers box say, 'holds 6-12 pounds' they're not kidding!
What I do, and I know all smokers do this. You know how every cigarette pack has a different surgeon general's warning on it, how cool. Mine say, "Smoking may cause fetal injury or premature birth." ...fuck it. I found my brand. Just don't get the ones that say, "Lung Cancer," ya know, shop around. Hell gimme a carton of them Low Birth Weights. What the fuck do I care? 'Why you so down Bill?' Low Birth Weight. Yeah, I'm smokin' way too many Low Birth Weights.
Chicanos never say congratulations when people do well. “I got a job over at the hospital.” “‘S about time.” Do we say good luck? No, we say, “Don’t fuck it up like last time.” Or, “So now you think you’re all bad, or what?” Go to the Hallmark store and look for that card. “Do you have a Now-You-Think-You’re-All-Bad card?”
I went water skiing and I found out that I scream the exact same if a great white attacks me... or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
When you die at 72, no matter what you die of, it's natural causes. Even if you get hit by a truck, it's natural causes. 'Cause if you was younger, you'd have got out the way!