Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 43

Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge. Others only gargle.

An easy way to sound like a creep is to add the word ‘ladies’ to the end of things you say. It can be harmless too, but it just makes you a creep. ‘Yeah after college I spent two years in the peace corps, ladies?’ The more harmless it is, the more of a creep you become. ‘I broke my arm. I need help, ladies?’

Just because I rock doesn't mean I'm made of stone.

I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I have a tendency to... if I get too mellow, I ripen and then rot.

I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.

All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.

In Scotland, there is no such thing as bad weather - only the wrong clothes.

Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right.

I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.

Guns don’t kill people. Stupid motherfuckers with guns kill people.

My wife's a water sign. I'm an earth sign. Together we make mud.

I was always shit at mathematics, I was never ever good. And I don't care. I don't give a shit. Algebra was a mystery to me. "Connolly 1A plus 1B?" He he. You're taking the piss right sir? You can't count letters you can only count numbers silly. Unless of course I was absent. The day we did the B times table. One B's B, two B's are a couple of B's. Three B's are a couple of B's plus the one we spoke about in the first place. Four B's two couple of B's what's the fucking problem there? So, I'm don't on record at school saying why should I learn Algebra? I've no intention of ever going there. The whole thing was a mystery to me. I mean is there anything more useless or less useful than Algebra? I have never used Algebra since the day I left school. No one's ever asked me. I've never seen anybody using it. I've never heard of anybody who once used it. And I would hate anybody who tried to use it. Can you imagine, you're going along the street. A tourist comes up, "Excuse me. I wonder if you could direct me to the old windmill?" Certainly, let X equal the windmill. "Ohh fuck it, I'll ask somebody else. Let's do a simple equation, why don't you shut the fuck up!".

Rooting for the Yankees is like going to a casino and rooting for the house.

Those who can't do teach. Those who can't teach, teach gym.

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.