Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 43
I want everybody I know to be happy, ‘cause guess what; I have found my ice cream truck. And I feel like an astronaut, ‘cause every day with her is a day in outer space.
I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
They have a luggage store at the airport? I mean, how late do you have to be running? Don't worry honey just grab a pile of shit... we'll get a bag at the airport!
I'm not condoning rape, obviously. You should never rape anyone. Unless you have a reason like you want to fuck somebody and they won't let you, in which case what other option do you have? How else are you supposed to have an orgasm in their body if you don't rape them, like what the fuck?
In Scotland, there is no such thing as bad weather - only the wrong clothes.
Guns don’t kill people. Stupid motherfuckers with guns kill people.
All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.
There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.
You give me 5 Bloods, 5 Crips 4 Mexicans and 3 rednecks, this shit would have been over. Niggas and Mexicans, we go over there and steal all the tracks off their tanks, them tanks will be on bricks. We come back home like "Who want some tank tracks?". And y'all know rednecks love hunting , a redneck you give that nigga rifle with a scope he can hit a fly off a deer's ear from 500 yards. They don't fuck around and they all have a hunting dog named Petey, you know them pointer motherfuckers. You drop them in Afghanistan Petey gonna point at the right cave "Mofucker in there, motherfucker in there!! I smell him!!".
My mom was a manic depressive schizophrenic who, after a year in prison, went home and shot herself. My sister, Kirsten, an amazing poet, who was raised by this woman, and was dating a guy who broke up with her for the fourth time in three weeks. And one day, she came to his house, got a gun, and blew her brains out all over his headboard. I just went through a divorce, five years in court and cost me $2 million dollars. If anyone, by law, should be forced to take antidepressants it's me... But instead, I choose to be an antidepressant. And you can take me with alcohol.
Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge. Others only gargle.
I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I have a tendency to... if I get too mellow, I ripen and then rot.
An easy way to sound like a creep is to add the word ‘ladies’ to the end of things you say. It can be harmless too, but it just makes you a creep. ‘Yeah after college I spent two years in the peace corps, ladies?’ The more harmless it is, the more of a creep you become. ‘I broke my arm. I need help, ladies?’