Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 43
The highway cop said, “Walk a straight line.” I said, “Well, Officer Pythagoras, the closest you could ever come to achieving a straight line would be making an electroencephalogram of your own brain waves.” He said, “You’re under arrest. You have the right to remain silent. Do you wish to retain that right?” I thought, “Oooh, a paradox!”
Last Christmas, I got the worst gift a guy ever gave me. He gave me a lottery ticket... what’s the guy even thinking there. "Here you go... nothing! Merry Christmas! It’s nothing!"
I like burritos more than Jesus because steak burritos are delicious. And they’re real.
I saw a young boy eating an ice cream cone. I smashed it in his face. You know that kid is going to remember me when he's 50.
Did you know that the Jews invented sushi? That's right - two Jews bought a restaurant with no kitchen.
I wish they would just call the news: What's Wrong. 'Hi, it's six o'clock, here's What's Wrong. Now for the local news, here's the worst shit that happened the closest to you.'
Just go to an airport, stand in front of a person who is waiting for their flight, and stare at them until they notice you are there. When they look at you, just say "Don't get on the flight" and walk away. You know they're sitting there going "I don’t think I should get on this fucking flight.. I think an angel just told me not to get on this flight.. Thank you angel wearing jeans!"
One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.
What I'm talking about is blasphemy! Blasphe-you! Blasphe-everybody in the room!... hm. 6 person joke, that. There we go.
I went to New Zealand this year, and, whew man, I know a lot of people want to go there. But let me just tell you, it's 22 hours by plane. So, if you have the opportunity, don't.
One of my big fears in life is that I'm gonna die and my parents are going to come to clean out my apartment and find that porno wing I've been adding on to for years.
If you've never met a student from the University of Chicago, I'll describe him to you. If you give him a glass of water, he says, "This is a glass of water. But is it a glass of water? And if it is a glass of water, why is it a glass of water?" And eventually he dies of thirst.
Racist people, interestingly, are never as polite as smokers. Have you noticed that? Smokers always go, "Do you mind if I smoke? Oh, you do? Okay, I'll go outside and have a cigarette." Racist people never go, "Do you mind if I'm racist? Oh, I'll go outside … fucking blue people, eh? Coming here, steal our hamsters…"
Help me find some shoes I really like. Help me also to find a nymphomaniac coke connection who owns a Ferrari dealership.