Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 43
I want everybody I know to be happy, ‘cause guess what; I have found my ice cream truck. And I feel like an astronaut, ‘cause every day with her is a day in outer space.
Guns don’t kill people. Stupid motherfuckers with guns kill people.
White people can't dance. I'm not being racist it's true. Just like when white people say black people have big lips, it's not racist it's true. Black people have big lips, white people can't dance. Some brothers will be in the club and white people are like, What are those niggers doing in here? They watchin' y'all dance. And thy're like, Look at these crazy muthafuckas. Y'all be stepping on people's feet and hitting one another.
There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.
I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.
Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge. Others only gargle.
An easy way to sound like a creep is to add the word ‘ladies’ to the end of things you say. It can be harmless too, but it just makes you a creep. ‘Yeah after college I spent two years in the peace corps, ladies?’ The more harmless it is, the more of a creep you become. ‘I broke my arm. I need help, ladies?’
In Scotland, there is no such thing as bad weather - only the wrong clothes.
They have a luggage store at the airport? I mean, how late do you have to be running? Don't worry honey just grab a pile of shit... we'll get a bag at the airport!
I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I have a tendency to... if I get too mellow, I ripen and then rot.
All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.