Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 43

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I swear he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. Said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

I want everybody I know to be happy, ‘cause guess what; I have found my ice cream truck. And I feel like an astronaut, ‘cause every day with her is a day in outer space.

Guns don’t kill people. Stupid motherfuckers with guns kill people.

I got a new dog. He's a paranoid retriever. He brings back everything because he's not sure what I threw him.

Those who can't do teach. Those who can't teach, teach gym.

Some drink deeply from the river of knowledge. Others only gargle.

Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right.

There's no such thing as addiction, there's only things that you enjoy doing more than life.

An easy way to sound like a creep is to add the word ‘ladies’ to the end of things you say. It can be harmless too, but it just makes you a creep. ‘Yeah after college I spent two years in the peace corps, ladies?’ The more harmless it is, the more of a creep you become. ‘I broke my arm. I need help, ladies?’

I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

They have a luggage store at the airport? I mean, how late do you have to be running? Don't worry honey just grab a pile of shit... we'll get a bag at the airport!

All I've ever wanted was an honest week's pay for an honest day's work.

In Scotland, there is no such thing as bad weather - only the wrong clothes.

I don't respond well to mellow, you know what I mean, I have a tendency to... if I get too mellow, I ripen and then rot.

Just because I rock doesn't mean I'm made of stone.