Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 44
They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.
Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.
Abortion is green! I think its irrefutable, but people don’t want to hear that. For most people, having children is an instinctual, natural desire and the last thing they want to do is believe that it has any detrimental side, or if they do believe it, they think it’s different for them because they live in a gated community or whatever the reason…
So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
For a black man, there's no difference between the North and the South. In the South, they don't mind how close I get, as long as I don't get too big. In the North, they don't mind how big I get, as long as I don't get too close.
I told my girlfriend I wanted to fuck her between the tits. She said: “How are you gonna make that feel good for me?” and I said: "Right before I cum, I’ll stop punching you in the face."
Rooting for the Yankees is like going to a casino and rooting for the house.
I am not a comic, I have never told a joke. I don't even watch comedians. The comedian's promise is that he will go out there and make you laugh with him. I've never done that in my life. My only promise is that I will try to entertain you as best I can. I can manipulate people's reactions. There are different kinds of laughter. Gut laughter is where you don't have a choice, you've got to laugh. Gut laughter doesn't come from the intellect. And it's much harder for me to evoke now, because I'm known. They say, "Oh wow, Andy Kaufman, he's a really funny guy." But I'm not trying to be funny. I just want to play with their heads.
My wife's a water sign. I'm an earth sign. Together we make mud.
When I was a kid, my parents had a 900-pound television on top of a TV tray. My dad's theory was, "Let him pull it over his head a few times, he'll learn."
I can't listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.
I was doing this 'dee dee dee' joke. You know what 'dee dee dee' means, right? It means stupid. This lady gets all pissed at me: 'Excuse me, sir, what if there was someone severely retarded in the crowd right now?' I'm like, 'Well, he's severely retarded, lady. Obviously he wouldn't know I'm fuckin' with him.'