Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 44
They say that if you're afraid of homosexuals, it means that deep down inside you're actually a homosexual yourself. That worries me because I'm afraid of dogs.
I told my girlfriend I wanted to fuck her between the tits. She said: “How are you gonna make that feel good for me?” and I said: "Right before I cum, I’ll stop punching you in the face."
So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.
When I was a kid, my parents had a 900-pound television on top of a TV tray. My dad's theory was, "Let him pull it over his head a few times, he'll learn."
God gave men both a penis and a brain, but unfortunately not enough blood supply to run both at the same time.
Abortion is green! I think its irrefutable, but people don’t want to hear that. For most people, having children is an instinctual, natural desire and the last thing they want to do is believe that it has any detrimental side, or if they do believe it, they think it’s different for them because they live in a gated community or whatever the reason…
Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.
They have a luggage store at the airport? I mean, how late do you have to be running? Don't worry honey just grab a pile of shit... we'll get a bag at the airport!
Last week I told my psychiatrist, "I keep thinking about suicide." He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
I'm not worried about Hell. I was married for two fucking years! Hell would be like Club Med!
For a black man, there's no difference between the North and the South. In the South, they don't mind how close I get, as long as I don't get too big. In the North, they don't mind how big I get, as long as I don't get too close.
White people can't dance. I'm not being racist it's true. Just like when white people say black people have big lips, it's not racist it's true. Black people have big lips, white people can't dance. Some brothers will be in the club and white people are like, What are those niggers doing in here? They watchin' y'all dance. And thy're like, Look at these crazy muthafuckas. Y'all be stepping on people's feet and hitting one another.
Today's sermon is taken from a magazine that I found... that I found in a hedge. This season's lipstick colours will be in the frosted pink area - and nails to match... and this reminds me rather of our lord Jesus. Because, surely, when Jesus rode into town on a donkey... he must have gotten tarted up a bit.
Racist people, interestingly, are never as polite as smokers. Have you noticed that? Smokers always go, "Do you mind if I smoke? Oh, you do? Okay, I'll go outside and have a cigarette." Racist people never go, "Do you mind if I'm racist? Oh, I'll go outside … fucking blue people, eh? Coming here, steal our hamsters…"