Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 44
Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes; because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.
I was eating some pizza and I burnt the roof of my mouth. Then I thought, “wait a minute, this is the ceiling of my mouth.”
Now I admit I like Gold Digger, but Kanye West is a crazy nigga.
I guess the biggest issue my husband and I are going to have is how do we raise the baby… because he’s Jewish and I’m Protestant and the baby’s father is Catholic.
Anybody who's ever tried to quit smoking knows exactly what I'm talking about. It is the hardest thing you will ever do in your life. And people who have never smoked just don't get that. It's like, my wife goes "I don't understand why you just don't quit, Bill. Just put them down and quit." I go, "Baby, I am trying. It is hard." And she goes, "I'm sorry, Bill. I don't understand why you just don't quit." And I go, "all right. Why don't you quit yelling?" 'Cause you can't.
Most modern girls don’t really know what hiking is. To the average girl, hiking is: you wake up whenever you want; you put on Lululemon ‘cause they make your butt look unreasonably good - and they should for 800 fucking dollars - and you go for a walk in the park with your best friend and complain about how hungover you are. That’s hiking.
Go back to bed, America. Your government has figured out how it all transpired. Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control again. Here. Here's American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up. Go back to bed, America. Here is American Gladiators. Here is 56 channels of it! Watch these pituitary retards bang their fucking skulls together and congratulate you on living in the land of freedom. Here you go, America! You are free to do what we tell you! You are free to do what we tell you!
With hurricanes, tornadoes, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, "Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"
One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like "hey, there's an asshole."
I don't want to brag, but I do speak Pig Latin; I mean, I'm not fluent, but I'm sure if I ever went there, I could get by.
If you're Filipino, you're the beaner of the Asian community 'cause you're just like us. You're indigenous people that got banged by some Spaniards. That's why you have names like Kwan Ping Del Toro.
I went snorkeling on vacation aka surprise drinking a lot of water through a big straw.
I took a speed reading course and my speed shot up to 43 pages a minute, but my comprehension plummeted.