Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 44
I am not a comic, I have never told a joke. I don't even watch comedians. The comedian's promise is that he will go out there and make you laugh with him. I've never done that in my life. My only promise is that I will try to entertain you as best I can. I can manipulate people's reactions. There are different kinds of laughter. Gut laughter is where you don't have a choice, you've got to laugh. Gut laughter doesn't come from the intellect. And it's much harder for me to evoke now, because I'm known. They say, "Oh wow, Andy Kaufman, he's a really funny guy." But I'm not trying to be funny. I just want to play with their heads.
Yon Kippur. Greatest Jewish holiday ever. The Jewish day of attonement. You don't ear for one day, all your sins for the year are wiped clean. Beat that with your little "Lent." What is Lent? Forty days of absolution. Forty days to one day. Even in sin you're paying retail.
Playing golf is like going to a strip joint. After 18 holes you’re tired and most of your balls are missing.
Politics: “Poli” a Latin word meaning “many”; and "tics" meaning “bloodsucking creatures”.
Eating fast food is like murdering hitchhikers. As long as you only do it every once in a while, it will never catch up with you. If the word “nugget” is anywhere on your menu, I won’t eat at your restaurant. For me, mcdonald’s is just an emergency bathroom in over 119 countries. A hamburger shouldn’t cost 99 cents. Eating right is expensive, but what you spend on organic food, you save on new underwear.
I asked my wife, 'Is there somebody else?' She said, 'There must be.'
I finally stopped drinking when I hit seventeen years old. Yes, imagine the fuckup I must have been. Stopped drinking because it isn't really good for your health... and I fell into a bonfire! Yeah, you're done drinking then. You don't need AA. Falling into a bonfire is a one-step program.
As an alcoholic, you will violate your standards quicker than you can lower them. You will do shit that even the Devil would go "dude..."
I think there are only three things America will be known for 2,000 years from now when they study this civilization: the Constitution, jazz music, and baseball.
Racist people, interestingly, are never as polite as smokers. Have you noticed that? Smokers always go, "Do you mind if I smoke? Oh, you do? Okay, I'll go outside and have a cigarette." Racist people never go, "Do you mind if I'm racist? Oh, I'll go outside … fucking blue people, eh? Coming here, steal our hamsters…"
Twinkle twinkle little star, Will she blow me in the car. I bought her dinner, she had fun. My balls are boiling, I'd like to come.
They've gotta stop reporting wind chill. That's nonsense. It really is. I don't know where they came up with it, why they came up with it, but it's a lie. They come on, "Well, it's 27 degrees today, but with the wind chill, it's minus 3." Well, then it's minus 3, asshole! I don't need to know what the weather was like if the conditions were perfect!