Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 42

I like parties, but I don't like pinatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass. What I'm trying to say is, don't make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did.

Amish Sex - Oh Jebediah, give it to me you Abraham Lincoln lookin' motherfucker.

I'm not a religious person; I would call myself an atheist. I don't have a good story behind it, I'm just reasonable.

I don’t know how she did it, but Rachel got poison ivy on her brain. The only way she could scratch it was if she thought about sandpaper.

You will never experience less reality than when you are watching a reality show. You're watching people who aren't actors, put into situations created by people who aren't writers and they're second guessing how they think you would like to see them behave if this were a real situation, which it's not. And you are passively observing this; watching an amateur production of nothing. It's like a photo of a drawing of a hologram.

Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there.

At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open! Boy what a present he gave me!

I don't care for sex. I find it an embarrassing, dull exercise. I prefer sports, where you can win.

I’m in jail... and I realize I am blond... I have a tan... I wear white pants... I’m a very pretty man...

I walked in on him masturbating. He's like, 'Are you mad?' I'm like, 'Uh no, but you seem to be. Holy shit. Does it owe you money?'

Whatever your problems are, keep in mind that you die at the end of all this. Lets get out there, brutalize ourselves and laugh at those certain pricks who take it seriously, like there is any way to win in all this.

I was always shit at mathematics, I was never ever good. And I don't care. I don't give a shit. Algebra was a mystery to me. "Connolly 1A plus 1B?" He he. You're taking the piss right sir? You can't count letters you can only count numbers silly. Unless of course I was absent. The day we did the B times table. One B's B, two B's are a couple of B's. Three B's are a couple of B's plus the one we spoke about in the first place. Four B's two couple of B's what's the fucking problem there? So, I'm don't on record at school saying why should I learn Algebra? I've no intention of ever going there. The whole thing was a mystery to me. I mean is there anything more useless or less useful than Algebra? I have never used Algebra since the day I left school. No one's ever asked me. I've never seen anybody using it. I've never heard of anybody who once used it. And I would hate anybody who tried to use it. Can you imagine, you're going along the street. A tourist comes up, "Excuse me. I wonder if you could direct me to the old windmill?" Certainly, let X equal the windmill. "Ohh fuck it, I'll ask somebody else. Let's do a simple equation, why don't you shut the fuck up!".

I don't like country music, but I don't mean to denigrate those who do. And for the people who like country music, denigrate means 'put down'.

I'm not condoning rape, obviously. You should never rape anyone. Unless you have a reason like you want to fuck somebody and they won't let you, in which case what other option do you have? How else are you supposed to have an orgasm in their body if you don't rape them, like what the fuck?

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I swear he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. Said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."