Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 42
I'm like anyone else on the planet; I'm very moved by world hunger. I see the same commercials, those little kids starving and very depressed. I watch these things on TV and I see those commercials. And I look at it and I think, 'God how cruel, to see a little kid out there.' And I go, 'Fuck, I know the film crew could give this kid a sandwich.' You know that kid's not out there filming a letter from home with a Betamax. You know there's a director five feet away going, 'Don't feed him yet. Get that sandwich out of here. Doesn't work unless he looks hungry.'
I don’t know how she did it, but Rachel got poison ivy on her brain. The only way she could scratch it was if she thought about sandpaper.
Who discovered we could get milk from cows, and what did he think he was doing at the time?
Love is a lot like a backache, it doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there.
I'm not a religious person; I would call myself an atheist. I don't have a good story behind it, I'm just reasonable.
I’m in jail... and I realize I am blond... I have a tan... I wear white pants... I’m a very pretty man...
I walked in on him masturbating. He's like, 'Are you mad?' I'm like, 'Uh no, but you seem to be. Holy shit. Does it owe you money?'
You will never experience less reality than when you are watching a reality show. You're watching people who aren't actors, put into situations created by people who aren't writers and they're second guessing how they think you would like to see them behave if this were a real situation, which it's not. And you are passively observing this; watching an amateur production of nothing. It's like a photo of a drawing of a hologram.
At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open! Boy what a present he gave me!
Whatever your problems are, keep in mind that you die at the end of all this. Lets get out there, brutalize ourselves and laugh at those certain pricks who take it seriously, like there is any way to win in all this.
I'm not condoning rape, obviously. You should never rape anyone. Unless you have a reason like you want to fuck somebody and they won't let you, in which case what other option do you have? How else are you supposed to have an orgasm in their body if you don't rape them, like what the fuck?
I don't care for sex. I find it an embarrassing, dull exercise. I prefer sports, where you can win.
Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I swear he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. Said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."
I want everybody I know to be happy, ‘cause guess what; I have found my ice cream truck. And I feel like an astronaut, ‘cause every day with her is a day in outer space.