Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 42

I thought "RV" stood for "Recreational Vehicle." No! It stands for "Ruins Vacations."

I am not a comic, I have never told a joke. I don't even watch comedians. The comedian's promise is that he will go out there and make you laugh with him. I've never done that in my life. My only promise is that I will try to entertain you as best I can. I can manipulate people's reactions. There are different kinds of laughter. Gut laughter is where you don't have a choice, you've got to laugh. Gut laughter doesn't come from the intellect. And it's much harder for me to evoke now, because I'm known. They say, "Oh wow, Andy Kaufman, he's a really funny guy." But I'm not trying to be funny. I just want to play with their heads.

I woke up in an ambulance. And it wasn’t nothing but white people staring at me. I said, “Ain’t this a bitch. I done died and wound up in the wrong muthafucking heaven.”

What is the difference between a Democrat and a Republican? A Democrat blows, a Republican sucks.

Every woman in this room tonight: Think like a second wife. You grab and you take. You grab and you take. And when you die, whatever you got out of him you have buried on you. If the next bitch wants it, make her dig for it.

There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are seven you can’t say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993 to 7. They must really be bad. They must be outrageous to be separated from a group that large. “All of you words over here, you seven... bad words.” That’s what they told us, right? You know the seven, don’t ya? That you can’t say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits.

All the nations of the earth must learn to live together in peace. Why be prejudiced against anyone because of their race, nationality, or creed? When there’s so many real reasons to hate others.

Religion has convinced people that there’s an invisible man... living in the sky, who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn’t want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer and burn and scream until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

When I was on vacation in Africa, I went out in the country. Where you see some lions and shit. I'm talking about real lions, not them kind you be fucking with in the zoo. Hey, lion, motherfucker.

I've had good times on drugs, that's a fact. I've had bad times on drugs, too, ok? But I've had good and bad relationships... and I'm not giving up pussy.

I have a feeling for obscure, historical characters like James Abram Garfield, who was the 20th President of the U. S. He was a pretty hones Congressman and Senator from Ohio. Elected eight times. Tremendous integrity. Only, the most famous thing he's remembered for is having been shot. And they always say the same thing for who shot him: “a disappointed office seeker.” And sure enough, you look at a child's milk-container collection of the Presidents, you'll see: “George Washington, Father of our Country; Thomas Jefferson, purchased Louisiana; Abraham Lincoln, Emancipation Proclamation; James Garfield, shot by a disappointed office seeker.” Look in an encyclopedia under Garfield, James Abram. It says, see Office Seeker, Disappointed. The office seeker got all the fame!

When I was a baby I had no teeth. I couldn't get a job and I couldn't eat meat.

Here's the thing: If you're so far left you actually believe that somebody owes you a job, citizenship and a heart transplant, you're mentally ill. If you're so far right that you actually believe that somebody who doesn't have a job and is not a citizen deserves to have their heart cut out and sold on eBay, and you get to keep 80 percent of the profit - you're mentally ill.

It is easy to tell the difference between Jews and Gentiles. After the show, all the gentiles are saying 'Have a drink? Want a drink? Let's have a drink!' While all the Jews are saying 'Have you eaten yet? Want a piece of cake? Let's have some cake!'

I was doing this 'dee dee dee' joke. You know what 'dee dee dee' means, right? It means stupid. This lady gets all pissed at me: 'Excuse me, sir, what if there was someone severely retarded in the crowd right now?' I'm like, 'Well, he's severely retarded, lady. Obviously he wouldn't know I'm fuckin' with him.'