Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 5
When I finished high school I wanted to take all my graduation money and buy myself a motorcycle. Buy my mom said no. See, she had a brother who died in a horrible motorcycle accident when he was 18. And I could just have his motorcycle.
Inventions intrigue me, I was reading about the Walkie Talkie and I read it was a military inventions, that surprised me, usually military stuff has strong names you know Apache Helicopter, Tomahawk missile. ...Walkie Talkie? How did that slip through the system? Was a general talking to some guy? "What do you have there soldier?" Well it's a new communication device that's untethered which will enable the troops to speak effectively when they're in the field. "What's it called?" Walkie Talkie. Look I'm walkie and I'm talkie. Now you walkie and talkie general. I'm walkie and talkie, are you walkie and talkie? "I like it solder, what's this explosive device?" The Wammy Kablammy and this is the Rooty Tooty Aim and Shooty.
Living in California is like living in a bowl of granola; what ain't fruits or nuts, is flakes.
They say if you give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. But if you teach a man to fish... then he has to get a fishing license. But he doesn't have any money, so he has to get a job and enter the social security system. And he has to file taxes, and you're gonna audit the poor son of a bitch because he's not really good at math. You pull the IRS van up to his house and take everything. You take his velvet Elvis and his toothbrush and it all goes up for auction with the burden of proof on him because he forgot to carry the 1. All because he wanted to eat a fish, and he couldn't even cook the fish because you need a permit for an open flame.
Anal sex is a lot like spinach: if you're forced to have it as a child, you won't enjoy it as an adult.
People always say I couldn’t live in California cause they love seasons too much, yeah I do too that’s why I live in a place that skips the shitty ones.
Marijuana is not a drug! I used to suck dick for coke! You ever suck dick for marijuana?
If you were to second guess your decision to book time at a native american community, that would be a reservation reservation reservation.
A lot of people say that it's a lack of vocabulary that makes you swear. Rubbish. I know thousands of words but I still prefer "fuck".
I was having sex with this girl. And we were towards the end. And she goes, “Fuck me hard with that n-word dick.” And I stop… look at her right in the eye… and I came harder that I ever cum before. It was so awesome, you guys… It was almost worth being black my entire life.
I have lived a carnal life. My view of life is 'If you're going to miss Heaven, why miss it by two inches? Miss it!' I don't have to go through the thing of paying for it in the next life. I know I'm screwed in the next life.
Why don't women have crazy men stories? I don't really hear them. And then I realized, it's because if you got a crazy boyfriend, you're going to die. Just something about men, the second they realize they're crazy, it's like, 'Time to kill everything I love.'
My father died fucking. He did. My father was 57 when he died. The woman was 18. My father came and went at the same time.
Marijuana enhances many things, colors, flavors, sensations, but you are certainly not fucking empowered. When you're stoned, you're lucky if you can find your own goddamn feet. The only way it's a performance-enhancing drug is if there's a big fucking Hershey bar at the end of the run. Then you'll be like a Swiss ski jumper going, "I'm there!"