Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 6
My father died fucking. He did. My father was 57 when he died. The woman was 18. My father came and went at the same time.
I’m addicted to placebos. I’d give them up, but it wouldn’t make any difference.
I was the best man to a wedding one time, that was pretty good. Pretty good title, I thought, best man. I thought it was a bit much. I thought we'd have the groom and a pretty good man. That's more than enough. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?
Why don't women have crazy men stories? I don't really hear them. And then I realized, it's because if you got a crazy boyfriend, you're going to die. Just something about men, the second they realize they're crazy, it's like, 'Time to kill everything I love.'
Pol Pot killed one point seven million Cambodians, died under house arrest, well done there. Stalin killed many millions, died in his bed, aged seventy-two, well done indeed. And the reason we let them get away with it is they killed their own people. And we're sort of fine with that. Hitler killed people next door. Oh, stupid man. After a couple of years we won't stand for that, will we?
I had a cop pull me over the other day, scared me so bad, made me think I stole my own car. "Get out of the car, get out of the fucking car! You stole this car!" I was like 'damn, maybe I did!'.
I before e except after c and sounding like a in a neighboring way and on weekends and holidays and all throughout May you'll always be wrong no matter what you say!
Roses are grey, Violets are a different shade of grey, Lets go chase cars!
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.
A man will cut your arm off and throw it in a river, but he'll leave you as a human being intact. He won't fuck with who you are. Women are non-violent, but they will shit inside of your heart.
They tell us "Rock'n'roll is the devil's music." Well, let's say we know that rock is the devil's music, and we know that it is, for sure … At least he fucking jams! If it's a choice between eternal Hell and good tunes, and eternal Heaven and New Kids on the fucking Block … I'm gonna be surfin' on the lake of fire, rockin' out.
A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently, it wasn't first place.
Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.