Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 6
People always say I couldn’t live in California cause they love seasons too much, yeah I do too that’s why I live in a place that skips the shitty ones.
Pol Pot killed one point seven million Cambodians, died under house arrest, well done there. Stalin killed many millions, died in his bed, aged seventy-two, well done indeed. And the reason we let them get away with it is they killed their own people. And we're sort of fine with that. Hitler killed people next door. Oh, stupid man. After a couple of years we won't stand for that, will we?
I was the best man to a wedding one time, that was pretty good. Pretty good title, I thought, best man. I thought it was a bit much. I thought we'd have the groom and a pretty good man. That's more than enough. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?
I’m addicted to placebos. I’d give them up, but it wouldn’t make any difference.
I before e except after c and sounding like a in a neighboring way and on weekends and holidays and all throughout May you'll always be wrong no matter what you say!
Why don't women have crazy men stories? I don't really hear them. And then I realized, it's because if you got a crazy boyfriend, you're going to die. Just something about men, the second they realize they're crazy, it's like, 'Time to kill everything I love.'
I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That's when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.
A man will cut your arm off and throw it in a river, but he'll leave you as a human being intact. He won't fuck with who you are. Women are non-violent, but they will shit inside of your heart.
You know what they say, "There's no reason to ever hit a woman." Shit! There's a reason to hit everybody. You just don't do it. Shit, there's a reason to kick an old man down a flight of stairs. You just don't do it. Ain't nobody above an ass-whooping.
They tell us "Rock'n'roll is the devil's music." Well, let's say we know that rock is the devil's music, and we know that it is, for sure … At least he fucking jams! If it's a choice between eternal Hell and good tunes, and eternal Heaven and New Kids on the fucking Block … I'm gonna be surfin' on the lake of fire, rockin' out.
Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.
Roses are grey, Violets are a different shade of grey, Lets go chase cars!
Oh no, Mr. Kool-Aid Man, oh no! You better fix that hole in my wall before my dad comes home and beats me with a toaster.