Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 566

My swag is always capital and live in north Virginia.

An offended audience member repeating a comedian's act from memory is worse than, literally, anything.

I was walking down the street, something caught my eye... and dragged it fifteen feet.

When I was a kid, I used to have an imaginary friend. I thought he went everywhere with me. I could talk to him and he could hear me, and he could grant me wishes and stuff too. But then I grew up, and stopped going to church.

Heart disease has changed my eating habits, but I still cook bacon for the smell.

My background is in theater. I was a theater major in college.

Every time a man's being nice to women, he's offering you dick.

I think you can use some of those words on TV. But one thing you can't do is throw coffee, I've said it over and over again!

I didn’t realize I had any problems until you fucking brought it up.

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

How our government works... it doesn't.

There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day.

Nature knew what she was doing when she figured out the penis and the cunt.

My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your dream? To pump up and open your mail?

I'm really just trying to hash out the next two weeks of my life. So, something that is potentially four months down the road is not just a mile down the road for me, it's a million miles down the road.