Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 566
In school they told me "Practice makes perfect." And then they told me "Nobody's perfect," so then I stopped practicing.
It's just sad to see some white person trying to do a nigger-less rendition of a Dr. Dre song. It's just fuckin' depressing.
In the last couple of years, I guess I've spent six figures on clothes. I figure I spend a lot of time shopping. Eight to ten days a month, I go out and buy. Yeah, I guess you could say that I'm a real clothes whore.
If you do stories, or material with a lot of tags, or afterthought lines, you’ll probably have to cut those out. In other words, you’ll have to strip-mine your material and “lean” it up for time constraints.
I don't want to get close to people who have secrets that I don't know about.
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Maybe I'm old-fashioned, but I believe when a woman enters a room, men should stand up - and gay men should stand up at least halfway.
Someone needs to make a zombie movie where when you get bit it turns you into a singing and dancing extraordinaire.
When I was a kid, I used to have an imaginary friend. I thought he went everywhere with me. I could talk to him and he could hear me, and he could grant me wishes and stuff too. But then I grew up, and stopped going to church.
Like with Parks and Recreation, it's so much fun because the people writing it are funny and they're open and you just go in there and have a good time. It's pretty much the easiest job I've ever had.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps… from moving cars.