Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 566
What exactly is "viewer discretion"? If viewers had discretion, most television shows would not be on the air.
I think the English are bipolar. ‘We’re the greatest, no we’re terrible’ – that’s a constant English struggle. Crime is down, there’s little poverty – yet it’s always the worst time to have lived here.
You know when they show someone washing their hair under a waterfall? That's crazy. That would knock you on your butt.
Making you a pioneer only means one thing. You were around at the time.
If you want to find guys with small penises, go to the Hummer dealership.
I was in yoga the other day. I was in full lotus position. My chakras were all aligned. My mind is cleared of all clatter and I'm looking out of my third eye and everything that I'm supposed to be doing. It's amazing what comes up, when you sit in that silence. 'Mama keeps whites bright like the sunlight, Mama's got the magic of Clorox 2.'
I have more respect for somebody who's like, 'Yeah I like to party, so screw off,' then for Tara , who talks about not partying and ends up passed out underneath a Subway, not a subway station, but the actual sandwich shop - two days later.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.
Being wealthy when no one else is is like being the only one at the party with a drink.
In New York, Catholic groups have forced an art gallery to shut down an exhibition of a six-foot image of Jesus in chocolate. So, the Archbishop of New York was very upset. He said, “It is appalling to make Jesus out of food! Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go bake some communion wafers.”