Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 566

But still, I kept thinking, if I'm still troubled by this, if I'm still carrying it around like a big rucksack full of bricks and my father's dead, I need someone to tell me how to get rid of this great weight... The most awful thing was that it was kind of pleasant physically, you know. That's why nobody tells.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

President Bush said this Iraq situation looks like 'the rerun of a bad movie.' Well sure, there's a Bush in the White House, the economy's going to hell, we're going to war over oil. I've seen this movie, haven't I?.

Want me to Stevie Wonder my way to the bathroom?

I didn't want to be nobody, and that was the only way I could be somebody was to do stand-up.

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

Sometimes when I do a joke and it doesn’t get a lot of laughs, it kind of feels like I’m doing jazz. That’s kinda cool because jazz is cool, but sometimes jazz sucks… Maybe I’m the Kenny G of comedy.

I drank, smoked and did drugs to get where I'm at.

The only good thing about the good old days is they're gone.

Nature knew what she was doing when she figured out the penis and the cunt.

A biker goes to the Doctor with hearing problems "Can you describe the symptoms to me". "Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy bastard and Marg is a skinny bird with big blue hair!"

I'm getting pretty worried. My girlfriend hasn't gotten her period. And she's already 14.

I met a bipolar bear. He laughed, cried, then wanted a threesome.

The fact they're not there anymore is not a reflection on the actors. It's just that viewers didn't like it. You went, 'What the hell was that?'

Most guys don't realize that when they're having sex with their girlfriend, their also having sex with everyone I've had sex with, too.