Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 567
Get off your ass and do something. Spread your wings and fly. Or, make your friend fly. And, I don't mean, help your friend fly. I mean, force that chubby little non-aerodynamic bastard to freakin' fly.
You try not to have a favorite when you have sons or kids. Can’t have a favorite. Can’t let them know know if you do. I don’t. I treat my main son and the other two exactly the same way.
If he's stuck with the shrew, I hope he screws everything that's not tied down.
You can't make money on Broadway. You make nothing. You maybe make like $1,350 a week after you pay out all the producers.
I worry about my judgment when anything I believe in or do regularly begins to be accepted by the American public.
If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.
If I ever die, I want it to be cause I got hit by a car saving a kid.
The man has a 70% approval rate, which makes sense to me because he's pretty much done everything I expected him to do: the economy's in the toilet, we're at war and everything's on fire.
I will never understand how a mother can kill her own baby and not get away with it.
Yeah, I still feel like a homie. That connection is still a big thing, 'cause that's where I came from.
Hot Potato is a very different game when the people playing are starving.
We don't want any pot-smoking vaginas because that's disgusting. And I saw it once in Indonesia, and I've never been able to get it out of my head.
My dad also survived five divorces, and the women he married cleaned his ass out every time. I used to think my dad got divorced because he wanted new furniture. At one point in my life, all we had left was a wooden box, a 12" black-and-white TV, and a four-man rubber raft for a couch. And yet, I was the coolest kid in third grade. "Mom, can we have a sleepover in Christopher Titus' house? They have a raft in the living room! We can row to breakfast in the morning. I can actually be Captain Crunch!"