Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 567
These people are so rich they don't get crabs... they get lobsters
They waited until I was 20 to tell me I was adopted, and then last Christmas, they told me they were kidding.
I worry about my judgment when anything I believe in or do regularly begins to be accepted by the American public.
Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.
Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So, what did you think?'
Of course in show business there are two ways to play it and I am not politically correct so I am not going to get endorsements or anything like that.
Kids need to be educated about sex and sexuality and if they're going to have sex, learn how to protect themselves and not get pregnant.
I wasn't feeling it, really. But I just had to do what I had to do. It turned out the better for me.
If M & M's melt in your mouth, not in your hand, what would they do, say... under your arms?
My theory about Taylor Swift is that she's a virgin, that everyone breaks up with her because they date her for two weeks and she's like, 'I'm not gonna do it'.