Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 567
Have you ever noticed how quiet you get when you go in the woods? It's almost like you know that God's there.
I admit to spending a fortune on women, booze and gambling… the rest I spend foolishly.
I jog, actually; I go at night. A lot of women, they don't like to go jogging alone at night. They're afraid they might get accosted. I go naked. That way, if there are any perverts around, they think I'm already being chased.
I’m not an alcoholic. I’m a drunk. Alcoholic got to go to them god damn meetings.
Separate but equal is terrible for education but it's perfect for eyebrows.
Just because she’s singing about drugs, doesn’t mean she’s doing them. Ricky Martin sings about girls all the time.
As long as you don't have sex with kids or kill anybody you can do whatever the fuck you want in my church!
By the time you're eighty years old you've learned everything. You only have to remember it.
Saint Christopher, who said, "Where can I get a Frank Sinatra medal?" Never got a dinner!
If you hit a midget on the head with a stick, he turns into 40 gold coins.
I would be dishonorable in a relationship because I wasn't getting what I wanted from that person.
The problem with dating a model is they won’t go out with you if your cars color doesn’t match their outfit.