Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 567

They waited until I was 20 to tell me I was adopted, and then last Christmas, they told me they were kidding.

I feel very uncomfortable when I eat in restaurants. I'm obnoxiously polite with the waiters: 'I just want a tuna sandwich. I'll go get it. You sit here - I'll get it, I'll make it.'

Bush reiterated his stand to conservatives opposing his decision on stem cell research. He said today he believes life begins at conception and ends at execution.

My friends come and ask me "Is it worth it?" I say well shit it better be, I did this shit on purpose!

There's no downside to fame and people who whine about it make me sick. It's the greatest thing in the world.

School shootings were invented by blacks... and stolen by the white man.

Here in the U.S., we've made democracy into a science. A cold, impersonal science.

To make money I picked up work as a busboy, valet parker, skateboard shop employee.

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

I don't aim to offend.

"Finger Puppet" sounds OK as a noun.

You are not a nerd you're just an asshole with glasses on.

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

As a child I most closely identified with Charlie Browns teacher. Nobody listened.

I don't drink, and I don't do drugs, but I'll take a pill. I'll take any pill, you know what I mean? 'Cause pills can't hurt me! 'Cause they're made by companies.