Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 565
To expect life to treat you good is foolish as hoping a bull won't hit you because you are a vegetarian.
I took benzedrine - I got clairvoyance. With benzedrine you can have a very wide view of the world, like you can decide the destiny of man and other pressing problems, such as which is the left sock?
My recipe for dealing with anger and frustration: set the kitchen timer for twenty minutes, cry, rant, and rave, and at the sound of the bell, simmer down and go about business as usual.
I've got people who like Tommy Boy, but they're getting older and there's a whole new wave of college kids who see that and Joe Dirt, and Just Shoot Me is a little older, so I wanted stuff for everybody.
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce - my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions - the absurdity of the thing.
I think the English are bipolar. ‘We’re the greatest, no we’re terrible’ – that’s a constant English struggle. Crime is down, there’s little poverty – yet it’s always the worst time to have lived here.
I was watching Maury Povich the other day. He had these people on who say that they've had near death experiences. Do you ever notice they always say the same thing? 'I remember seeing this really bright, white light.' It's like, of course, you pinhead, it's the paramedic looking in your pupils with a penlight.
My films are a form of psychoanalysis, except that it is I who am paid, which changes everything.
When you're eating something and someone asks 'Is that nice?' No it's really revolting - I always eat stuff I hate.
Are any terrorists listening to this podcast? Are ya? In a fuckin' cave right now jerkin' off to your 72 virgins or whatever the hell they're promising ya. First of all, they're not there. When ya die, ya go in the ground. Okay? That's where you're goin'. So what ya wanna do is ya wanna try to stay alive. Ya know? Meet yourself a cute fuckin' lady. Have a cookout. Ride a bicycle; feel the wind in your fuckin' hair... or in your beard. Ya know? Whata ya doin'?