Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 565
America may be the best country in the world, but that's kind of like being the valedictorian of summer school.
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
The only two places you'll ever hear 'Would you like whipped cream on that?' are a whorehouse and Starbucks.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?"
(to the French) You lot will never have the pleasure of coming home as a 14 year old boy, thinking you’re only getting beans on toast and then going “oh hello, there’s little sausages in their”.
In all honesty, we don't know what's in the hearts of other men. All I know is that I respect comedy and I know comedy. I would never, ever, ever take somebody else's joke.
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
A Rubik’s cube is equal to a drag queen. It’s really colorful, but I don’t wanna do it.
Here in the U.S., we've made democracy into a science. A cold, impersonal science.
It was so cold in New York City today that the Statue of Liberty had her torch under her dress.
I never wanted to lose out on an acting job and wonder if I hadn't been trained enough.
Don't tell me how to do my job. I don't come to your workplace and tell you how to sweep up.
The quality of a restaurant's food is inversely proportioned to the amount of fun its staff seems to be having.