Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 565
If I want a long boring story with no point to it, I have my life.
If you don't want your dog to have bad breath, do what I do: Pour a little Lavoris in the toilet.
Men would rather lose an arm out a city bus window than tell you simply, “You’re not the one.” We are quite sure you will kill us or yourself or both - or even worse, cry and yell at us.
Terrible wars have been fought where millions have died for one idea - freedom. And it seems that something that means so much to so many people would be worth having.
Frank Sebastiano is a real write. He has two Emmys, one from 'SNL' and the other from 'The Chris Rock Show' . The only award I have is an FM-mmy.
If you stop eating donuts you will live 3 years longer. It's just 3 more years that you want a donut.
My grandma's the most careful, safe driver in the world. You put her in a rental car, and she's doing doughnuts in the K-Mart parking lot!
I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.
I once felt bad because I had no shoes, and then I met a man who had no feet. He was wearing an ankle bracelet that kept falling off.
I feel I've always got to keep my stand-up because I never want to lose it.
Make-A-Baby Tuxedo clothing line. A department store with a guest list. White fur earmuffs for men. Contact lenses that display text messages. Invent a phone that smells good. Own a nightclub, call it Eclipse, that’s only open for one hour two times a year. Cover charge? Five thousand dollars.