Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 565

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

We should just get somebody from the left and the right and they should all throw bumper stickers at each other and the first one to cover the other one wins.

But I really like hosting, I think it's a strength of mine. It allows me to improvise, and I love the spontaneity of that, and I think I'm funny behind the desk when interviewing someone.

I've got people who like Tommy Boy, but they're getting older and there's a whole new wave of college kids who see that and Joe Dirt, and Just Shoot Me is a little older, so I wanted stuff for everybody.

Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.

I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce - my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions - the absurdity of the thing.

Nature knew what she was doing when she figured out the penis and the cunt.

I chose Journalism by default. I always loved TV, and I had no idea what else to do, so I studied what interested me.

Well u tell cancer I said I'ma shoot him twice me, by myself, all day, everyday, wakeup, go back to sleep, you wanna go night night nigga? everybody go night night everybody go night night

I did fuck a midget once. It's true. Cos I had the opportunity after a show. How could you not, just one time, just to see.

I think if you get kicked in the face you deserved it because that means that you watched the foot come to your face.

I never write jokes, I just try to make myself laugh.

Just because she’s singing about drugs, doesn’t mean she’s doing them. Ricky Martin sings about girls all the time.

If I could light my own farts I could fly to the moon or at least Uranus.

I don't believe in karma.