Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 59
I never learned hate at home, or shame. I had to go to school for that.
When someone describes themselves as a taxpayer, they’re about to be an asshole.
It was so cold, the politicians had their hands in their own pockets.
You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.
I hate you, Google. You've caused a lot of problems in my relationship. I share a computer with my girlfriend and she would look up anything. "I'm going to look up apples today." She just hits 'A.' It's "Asian ass porn" instantly. Google is, like, "I'll take it from here. I know exactly what you're looking up... Well, every time you hit 'A,' it's 'Asian ass porn.'" Google! All I ask is that you let her type three letters before you jump to such a bold conclusion. It's bad enough that I'm clearing my history every three hours and changing my passwords. I'm trying to have an honest relationship, and you are fucking my shit up!
And quit bringing up our forefathers and saying they were civil libertarians. Our founding fathers would have never tolerated any of this crap. For God's sake, they were blowing peoples' heads off because they put a tax on their breakfast beverage. And it wasn't even coffee.
I would like now to talk about the Japanese, a race of very short people who are always bending in half. You can't make an honest business deal with them because you can't look em' in the eye. I don't believe any group of people should be able to build a car they can't pronounce. I'm talking of course about the 'Cororra'.
Broke up with my last girlfriend because she lied to me and told me she got molested by her neighbor. But I know her neighbor. He’s a really cool guy. Not like her creepy ass other neighbor.
I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.
My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties... welcome to my world.
I just broke up with my girlfriend and the reason we broke up is I caught her lying. Under another man.
If they took all the drugs, nicotine, alcohol and caffeine off the market for six days, they'd have to bring out the tanks to control you.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.