Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 59
I had to go see a chiropractor in New York. And they're different from osteopaths because of the spelling. Of course, they're both very powerful figures on the Scrabble board, though. "Chiropractor. Chiropractor. Ninety-three letters, 'chiropractor.'"
I love coffee. I don’t drink coffee but I love it. I drink tea and I don’t like it. Let me say something about tea. Tea starts out bad and never gets better. You put in honey, cream, sugar, lemon and you still go "Ooh that’s bad!" And the people who make tea know it’s bad. That’s why they give you so many choices. You go into a store and there’s a thousand types of teas. Every herb fruit and spice in every combination. They’re desperate to make this stuff palatable and it almost works. You think, "Wow! Look at this! Apple, cinnamon, mango cherry tea. This should be great. I like all those things... This is going to be just great." You take a sip and go "Nope That’s still very bad."
I went into this salon in New York and I said “can I get a trim?” But it must have come out “gay Beatle please."
And quit bringing up our forefathers and saying they were civil libertarians. Our founding fathers would have never tolerated any of this crap. For God's sake, they were blowing peoples' heads off because they put a tax on their breakfast beverage. And it wasn't even coffee.
I know who I am. I am just a very thin layer of charming with some funny sprinkles wrapped around a huge creamy center of raging arrogant a-hole. I got it.
The most beautiful words in the English language are not "I love you", but "It's benign".
My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties... welcome to my world.
I grew up in the 70s, when the careers advisor used to come to school, and he used to get the kids together and say, 'Look, I advise you to get a career, what can I say? That's it.'
I just broke up with my girlfriend and the reason we broke up is I caught her lying. Under another man.
When I say Home Depot, everyone in this room thinks one thing: beaner. We all think beaner - guy hanging out in front of Home Depot - and I don't have a problem with that. You know what I have a problem with? When I turn on NASCAR, and the dude driving the Home Depot car is white. That pisses me off. White people, that's our car, bitch. You put a beaner in the Home Depot car. We need to be driving that car. White people don't need to be driving a Home Depot car. White people should be driving the car sponsored by Saltines.
There's no happy ending to cocaine. You either die, you go to jail, or else you run out.
Sometimes I like a dancing plethora of cheese in my mouth, and then other times I am into a more solo cheese adventure, just a single one on one, me and one cheese.
My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money, watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.