Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 59
Sometimes when I watch porn I get my hoodie on so I feel creepier. Sometimes I get under computer so it feels like I’m spying on her.
Any fool can blow something up. Any fool can destroy. But to see these guys, these firefighters and these policemen and people from all over the country, literally with buckets, rebuilding... that’s extraordinary. And that’s why we have already won... they can't... it's light. It’s democracy. They can't shut that down.
Ronald Reagan just signed the new tax law. But I think he was in Hollywood too long. He signed it, 'Best wishes, Ronald Reagan.'
Fast food I think is like a conspiracy, y’know. I think that’s how they just keep us dumb. You can’t even think after a while, you ever notice that shit? Like you ever had your whole day planned out, you eat one egg McMuffin and you’re just on the couch, ‘Eh, y’know what, fuck my dreams.’
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?"
I would love to have the faith to believe that the world was created in seven days... but I have thoughts... and that can really fuck up the faith thing, just ask any Catholic priest.
Comedy is a socially acceptable form of hostility and aggression. That is what comics do, stand the world upside down.
If you vote against Obama because he can't get stuff done, it’s kind of like saying 'This guy can’t cure cancer. I’m gonna vote for cancer.'
I think that's how Chicago got started. A bunch of people in New York said, "Gee, I'm enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn't cold enough. Let's go west."
People tell me "hey if you quit smoking, you'll get your sense of smell back." I live in New York City, I got news for you folks, I don't want my fucking sense of smell back.
There's something about the ice cream truck that makes kids lose it. And they can hear that shit from ten blocks away. They don't hear their mothers calling but they can hear that motherfucking ice cream truck.
I’ve got a long history of suicide in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I’m lucky, my kids will kill themselves.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Now I understand why people do drugs, why people drink, and why people go crazy. As the success level goes up and up and up, the further detached I get from everybody else. Luckily, with my girlfriend, everything is gravy because I brought her into it. I brought her in and she's very hands on with my career.