Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 59
Fast food I think is like a conspiracy, y’know. I think that’s how they just keep us dumb. You can’t even think after a while, you ever notice that shit? Like you ever had your whole day planned out, you eat one egg McMuffin and you’re just on the couch, ‘Eh, y’know what, fuck my dreams.’
I grew up in the 70s, when the careers advisor used to come to school, and he used to get the kids together and say, 'Look, I advise you to get a career, what can I say? That's it.'
God sounds kinda like a shitty father to me. If God was so powerful why’d he have to give his son up? It sounds like God owed someone some money and they couldn’t get to him, so they murked his son. That’s what I really think happened. Jesus got stabbed up in an alley… but it’s easier to sell crucifixes. You can’t sell a pendant of someone getting shanked up In the alley. It’s a marketing scheme.
If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.
God, she's growing up, and I don't know when it happened, man. I used to buy her Minnie Mouse panties and little Winnie the Pooh underwear. I was helping my wife fold cloths. I picked up a pair of skimpy underwear. I looked at my wife and said: "When you gonna wear these for me?" She goes, "I can't. They're your daughter's." "Aaahh! No, no, no!" There was nothing to them! The how-to-wash tag was the biggest piece of cloth on there.
Guys don't buy you free drinks like they used to. They don't. Remember the good old days? You'd go to your local bar, and the bartender would come over and say, 'Excuse me, ma'am, the gentleman way over there in the corner, he would like to buy you a drink.' You would say, 'OK, thank you. Beautiful.' And you would get your drink, and then the greatest thing of all - he would keep his ass way over there in the corner and leave you the hell alone.
We just bought this house. It's too big. It's like 400,000 square feet, or something. We got an indoor lake and ski slope in the house! It's just too big.
Sometimes when I watch porn I get my hoodie on so I feel creepier. Sometimes I get under computer so it feels like I’m spying on her.
Lobsters one of the only animals that have to put up with being alive in the restaurant. If you go to a steakhouse, folks - no cow tank.
Ronald Reagan just signed the new tax law. But I think he was in Hollywood too long. He signed it, 'Best wishes, Ronald Reagan.'
I had a very Italian house - the “plastic furniture you couldn’t sit on” house. Did anybody have the museum house? For a kid it’s traumatic. Towels you can never touch. China no one’s ever gonna use. Everything is for a special occasion that never happens. My mother was waiting for the Pope to show up for dinner. Or Sinatra. Or Chachi.
I’ve got a long history of suicide in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I’m lucky, my kids will kill themselves.
Any fool can blow something up. Any fool can destroy. But to see these guys, these firefighters and these policemen and people from all over the country, literally with buckets, rebuilding... that’s extraordinary. And that’s why we have already won... they can't... it's light. It’s democracy. They can't shut that down.