Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 59

I hate you, Google. You've caused a lot of problems in my relationship. I share a computer with my girlfriend and she would look up anything. "I'm going to look up apples today." She just hits 'A.' It's "Asian ass porn" instantly. Google is, like, "I'll take it from here. I know exactly what you're looking up... Well, every time you hit 'A,' it's 'Asian ass porn.'" Google! All I ask is that you let her type three letters before you jump to such a bold conclusion. It's bad enough that I'm clearing my history every three hours and changing my passwords. I'm trying to have an honest relationship, and you are fucking my shit up!

I asked my wife to try anal sex. She said, "Sure. You first."

My wife and I had an argument last week that was so stupid, that it bears repeating. My wife collects twist ties... welcome to my world.

There's no happy ending to cocaine. You either die, you go to jail, or else you run out.

I just broke up with my girlfriend and the reason we broke up is I caught her lying. Under another man.

I never learned hate at home, or shame. I had to go to school for that.

My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money, watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

It was so cold, the politicians had their hands in their own pockets.

My father never missed a drink in his life. Or a joint. Or a party. Or a chance to get laid. He also never missed a day of work, or a house payment, or a car payment. I never went hungry, although he did a couple of times so I wouldn't. This is a man who survived four heart attacks. The doctors revoked his organ donor card and issued him a "Hazardous Waste" decal.

And quit bringing up our forefathers and saying they were civil libertarians. Our founding fathers would have never tolerated any of this crap. For God's sake, they were blowing peoples' heads off because they put a tax on their breakfast beverage. And it wasn't even coffee.

You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.

Broke up with my last girlfriend because she lied to me and told me she got molested by her neighbor. But I know her neighbor. He’s a really cool guy. Not like her creepy ass other neighbor.

I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.