Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 60
I love coffee. I don’t drink coffee but I love it. I drink tea and I don’t like it. Let me say something about tea. Tea starts out bad and never gets better. You put in honey, cream, sugar, lemon and you still go "Ooh that’s bad!" And the people who make tea know it’s bad. That’s why they give you so many choices. You go into a store and there’s a thousand types of teas. Every herb fruit and spice in every combination. They’re desperate to make this stuff palatable and it almost works. You think, "Wow! Look at this! Apple, cinnamon, mango cherry tea. This should be great. I like all those things... This is going to be just great." You take a sip and go "Nope That’s still very bad."
Sometimes I like a dancing plethora of cheese in my mouth, and then other times I am into a more solo cheese adventure, just a single one on one, me and one cheese.
You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.
I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.
Broke up with my last girlfriend because she lied to me and told me she got molested by her neighbor. But I know her neighbor. He’s a really cool guy. Not like her creepy ass other neighbor.
Who do you think was better: Jesus or Buddha; I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified?
That's where the conflict starts. We all want for a wife a combination Sunday school teacher and a $500-a-night hooker.
"I'm keeping him in my thoughts." Where? Where exactly in your thoughts does he fit? In between "my ass hurts in this chair" and "let's fuck the waitress"?
When I say Home Depot, everyone in this room thinks one thing: beaner. We all think beaner - guy hanging out in front of Home Depot - and I don't have a problem with that. You know what I have a problem with? When I turn on NASCAR, and the dude driving the Home Depot car is white. That pisses me off. White people, that's our car, bitch. You put a beaner in the Home Depot car. We need to be driving that car. White people don't need to be driving a Home Depot car. White people should be driving the car sponsored by Saltines.
I like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know? She hates it. But like, the other night, I put Saran wrap over the toilet seat, you know, which doesn’t sound that original, but she’s bulimic.
Go back to bed, America. Your government has figured out how it all transpired. Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control again. Here. Here's American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up. Go back to bed, America. Here is American Gladiators. Here is 56 channels of it! Watch these pituitary retards bang their fucking skulls together and congratulate you on living in the land of freedom. Here you go, America! You are free to do what we tell you! You are free to do what we tell you!
The only black part about Barack Obama is that that nigga don’t know his dad!
I have complete faith in the continued absurdity of whatever’s going on.
Some people are against porno movies. And I say hey, Ohio, Kentucky, and Iran: I say, hey - whatever a man, and a woman, and another woman with a penis and a midget do to a donkey, that's their garsh-darn business.