Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 60
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
Community college is like a disco with books: "Here's ten dollars; let me get my learn on!"
If I offend anybody tonight, I apologize. That's not my intention. I'm not going to guess what your personal line of decency is; I cross my own from time to time - it's how I know I still have one.
If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me!
Humour is often linked to shared experience. Like, a guy gets up and says, Have you noticed public restrooms have really inefficient hand-dryers? Oh my God, yes I have, hahaha, really good point, they should... fix that. It's good to know that somebody finally gets me!
Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
I grew up in the 70s, when the careers advisor used to come to school, and he used to get the kids together and say, 'Look, I advise you to get a career, what can I say? That's it.'
Guys don't buy you free drinks like they used to. They don't. Remember the good old days? You'd go to your local bar, and the bartender would come over and say, 'Excuse me, ma'am, the gentleman way over there in the corner, he would like to buy you a drink.' You would say, 'OK, thank you. Beautiful.' And you would get your drink, and then the greatest thing of all - he would keep his ass way over there in the corner and leave you the hell alone.
The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.
I don't have hobbies; hobbies cost money. Interests are quite free.
Another time we watched this morose, spiky-haired open miker do his entire set laying down on the stage. I guess it was his way of saying, "Fuck standup." From his supine position he mostly did dumb puns. After a couple of minutes my sister turned to me and threw her hands in the air, "I don't get it!"