Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 60
I just broke up with my girlfriend and the reason we broke up is I caught her lying. Under another man.
The musicians today who don't do drugs and in fact speak out against it? "Rock Against Drugs?" BOY do they suck.
It was so cold, the politicians had their hands in their own pockets.
I like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know? She hates it. But like, the other night, I put Saran wrap over the toilet seat, you know, which doesn’t sound that original, but she’s bulimic.
My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money, watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.
I know who I am. I am just a very thin layer of charming with some funny sprinkles wrapped around a huge creamy center of raging arrogant a-hole. I got it.
I saw a sign on the side of the road in Tennessee once that said 'dirt for sale'...what a great country we live in. Dirt for sale. How would you like to get inside that guys mind and look around for a hour? That guy sees opportunity at every glance, doesn't he? It's a big world for this gentleman. 'Oh my god, honey! Honey quit servin' waffles and come here baby. I'm gunna sell dirt! Look it's everywhere. You need it for our planet, honey!' The place was called Land Land.
This guy asked me to go camping on vacation. Camping - that's the dumbest vacation I ever heard of in my life. What, I'm gonna work all year so I can go out and pretend I'm homeless?
When someone describes themselves as a taxpayer, they’re about to be an asshole.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
I never learned hate at home, or shame. I had to go to school for that.
I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.
I used to like people more, but now I have children and that changes your life in a lot of ways. Like you spend time with people you never would have chosen to spend time with, not in a million years. I spend whole days with people, I'm like, "I never would have hung out with you. I didn't choose you. Our children chose each other based on no criteria by the way. They're the same size. They don't care who they make me hang out with."
The only black part about Barack Obama is that that nigga don’t know his dad!