Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 60

If they took all the drugs, nicotine, alcohol and caffeine off the market for six days, they'd have to bring out the tanks to control you.

It was so cold, the politicians had their hands in their own pockets.

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.

I like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know? She hates it. But like, the other night, I put Saran wrap over the toilet seat, you know, which doesn’t sound that original, but she’s bulimic.

Who do you think was better: Jesus or Buddha; I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified?

You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.

Go back to bed, America. Your government has figured out how it all transpired. Go back to bed, America. Your government is in control again. Here. Here's American Gladiators. Watch this, shut up. Go back to bed, America. Here is American Gladiators. Here is 56 channels of it! Watch these pituitary retards bang their fucking skulls together and congratulate you on living in the land of freedom. Here you go, America! You are free to do what we tell you! You are free to do what we tell you!

The only black part about Barack Obama is that that nigga don’t know his dad!

I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.

That's where the conflict starts. We all want for a wife a combination Sunday school teacher and a $500-a-night hooker.

Broke up with my last girlfriend because she lied to me and told me she got molested by her neighbor. But I know her neighbor. He’s a really cool guy. Not like her creepy ass other neighbor.

I saw a sign on the side of the road in Tennessee once that said 'dirt for sale'...what a great country we live in. Dirt for sale. How would you like to get inside that guys mind and look around for a hour? That guy sees opportunity at every glance, doesn't he? It's a big world for this gentleman. 'Oh my god, honey! Honey quit servin' waffles and come here baby. I'm gunna sell dirt! Look it's everywhere. You need it for our planet, honey!' The place was called Land Land.

I found out why God made babies cute. It's so you don't kill them.

"I'm keeping him in my thoughts." Where? Where exactly in your thoughts does he fit? In between "my ass hurts in this chair" and "let's fuck the waitress"?

Some people are against porno movies. And I say hey, Ohio, Kentucky, and Iran: I say, hey - whatever a man, and a woman, and another woman with a penis and a midget do to a donkey, that's their garsh-darn business.