Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 60
The musicians today who don't do drugs and in fact speak out against it? "Rock Against Drugs?" BOY do they suck.
I just broke up with my girlfriend and the reason we broke up is I caught her lying. Under another man.
Sometimes I like a dancing plethora of cheese in my mouth, and then other times I am into a more solo cheese adventure, just a single one on one, me and one cheese.
My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money, watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.
It was so cold, the politicians had their hands in their own pockets.
I know who I am. I am just a very thin layer of charming with some funny sprinkles wrapped around a huge creamy center of raging arrogant a-hole. I got it.
When someone describes themselves as a taxpayer, they’re about to be an asshole.
I never learned hate at home, or shame. I had to go to school for that.
I saw a sign on the side of the road in Tennessee once that said 'dirt for sale'...what a great country we live in. Dirt for sale. How would you like to get inside that guys mind and look around for a hour? That guy sees opportunity at every glance, doesn't he? It's a big world for this gentleman. 'Oh my god, honey! Honey quit servin' waffles and come here baby. I'm gunna sell dirt! Look it's everywhere. You need it for our planet, honey!' The place was called Land Land.
This guy asked me to go camping on vacation. Camping - that's the dumbest vacation I ever heard of in my life. What, I'm gonna work all year so I can go out and pretend I'm homeless?
If they took all the drugs, nicotine, alcohol and caffeine off the market for six days, they'd have to bring out the tanks to control you.
Who do you think was better: Jesus or Buddha; I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified?
Some people are against porno movies. And I say hey, Ohio, Kentucky, and Iran: I say, hey - whatever a man, and a woman, and another woman with a penis and a midget do to a donkey, that's their garsh-darn business.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?