Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 60

I just broke up with my girlfriend and the reason we broke up is I caught her lying. Under another man.

A joke is either funny or it's not funny. If I hear a funny joke, you know what I do? I laugh, that's what I do. I don't start a focus group to see who got hurt by the joke.

My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money, watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.

I know who I am. I am just a very thin layer of charming with some funny sprinkles wrapped around a huge creamy center of raging arrogant a-hole. I got it.

When someone describes themselves as a taxpayer, they’re about to be an asshole.

I found out why God made babies cute. It's so you don't kill them.

It was so cold, the politicians had their hands in their own pockets.

I never learned hate at home, or shame. I had to go to school for that.

I saw a sign on the side of the road in Tennessee once that said 'dirt for sale'...what a great country we live in. Dirt for sale. How would you like to get inside that guys mind and look around for a hour? That guy sees opportunity at every glance, doesn't he? It's a big world for this gentleman. 'Oh my god, honey! Honey quit servin' waffles and come here baby. I'm gunna sell dirt! Look it's everywhere. You need it for our planet, honey!' The place was called Land Land.

If they took all the drugs, nicotine, alcohol and caffeine off the market for six days, they'd have to bring out the tanks to control you.

Who do you think was better: Jesus or Buddha; I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified?

This guy asked me to go camping on vacation. Camping - that's the dumbest vacation I ever heard of in my life. What, I'm gonna work all year so I can go out and pretend I'm homeless?

There's no such thing as soy milk. It's soy juice.

I used to like people more, but now I have children and that changes your life in a lot of ways. Like you spend time with people you never would have chosen to spend time with, not in a million years. I spend whole days with people, I'm like, "I never would have hung out with you. I didn't choose you. Our children chose each other based on no criteria by the way. They're the same size. They don't care who they make me hang out with."

You're only given a little spark of madness. You mustn't lose it.