Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 60
The musicians today who don't do drugs and in fact speak out against it? "Rock Against Drugs?" BOY do they suck.
A joke is either funny or it's not funny. If I hear a funny joke, you know what I do? I laugh, that's what I do. I don't start a focus group to see who got hurt by the joke.
My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money, watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather.
When someone describes themselves as a taxpayer, they’re about to be an asshole.
I know who I am. I am just a very thin layer of charming with some funny sprinkles wrapped around a huge creamy center of raging arrogant a-hole. I got it.
It was so cold, the politicians had their hands in their own pockets.
I never learned hate at home, or shame. I had to go to school for that.
I saw a sign on the side of the road in Tennessee once that said 'dirt for sale'...what a great country we live in. Dirt for sale. How would you like to get inside that guys mind and look around for a hour? That guy sees opportunity at every glance, doesn't he? It's a big world for this gentleman. 'Oh my god, honey! Honey quit servin' waffles and come here baby. I'm gunna sell dirt! Look it's everywhere. You need it for our planet, honey!' The place was called Land Land.
Who do you think was better: Jesus or Buddha; I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified?
This guy asked me to go camping on vacation. Camping - that's the dumbest vacation I ever heard of in my life. What, I'm gonna work all year so I can go out and pretend I'm homeless?
If they took all the drugs, nicotine, alcohol and caffeine off the market for six days, they'd have to bring out the tanks to control you.
Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?