Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 60
I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.
"I'm keeping him in my thoughts." Where? Where exactly in your thoughts does he fit? In between "my ass hurts in this chair" and "let's fuck the waitress"?
I love coffee. I don’t drink coffee but I love it. I drink tea and I don’t like it. Let me say something about tea. Tea starts out bad and never gets better. You put in honey, cream, sugar, lemon and you still go "Ooh that’s bad!" And the people who make tea know it’s bad. That’s why they give you so many choices. You go into a store and there’s a thousand types of teas. Every herb fruit and spice in every combination. They’re desperate to make this stuff palatable and it almost works. You think, "Wow! Look at this! Apple, cinnamon, mango cherry tea. This should be great. I like all those things... This is going to be just great." You take a sip and go "Nope That’s still very bad."
Sometimes I like a dancing plethora of cheese in my mouth, and then other times I am into a more solo cheese adventure, just a single one on one, me and one cheese.
I like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know? She hates it. But like, the other night, I put Saran wrap over the toilet seat, you know, which doesn’t sound that original, but she’s bulimic.
That's where the conflict starts. We all want for a wife a combination Sunday school teacher and a $500-a-night hooker.
Who do you think was better: Jesus or Buddha; I mean, just in terms of not letting themselves get crucified?
When I say Home Depot, everyone in this room thinks one thing: beaner. We all think beaner - guy hanging out in front of Home Depot - and I don't have a problem with that. You know what I have a problem with? When I turn on NASCAR, and the dude driving the Home Depot car is white. That pisses me off. White people, that's our car, bitch. You put a beaner in the Home Depot car. We need to be driving that car. White people don't need to be driving a Home Depot car. White people should be driving the car sponsored by Saltines.
If they took all the drugs, nicotine, alcohol and caffeine off the market for six days, they'd have to bring out the tanks to control you.
I have complete faith in the continued absurdity of whatever’s going on.
I had to go see a chiropractor in New York. And they're different from osteopaths because of the spelling. Of course, they're both very powerful figures on the Scrabble board, though. "Chiropractor. Chiropractor. Ninety-three letters, 'chiropractor.'"
When someone describes themselves as a taxpayer, they’re about to be an asshole.
Some people are against porno movies. And I say hey, Ohio, Kentucky, and Iran: I say, hey - whatever a man, and a woman, and another woman with a penis and a midget do to a donkey, that's their garsh-darn business.