Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 60
Sometimes I like a dancing plethora of cheese in my mouth, and then other times I am into a more solo cheese adventure, just a single one on one, me and one cheese.
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
This guy asked me to go camping on vacation. Camping - that's the dumbest vacation I ever heard of in my life. What, I'm gonna work all year so I can go out and pretend I'm homeless?
When I was younger I thought success was something different. I thought, "When I grow up, I want to be famous. I want to be a star. I want to be in movies. When I grow up I want to see the world, drive nice cars. I want to have groupies." But my idea of success is different today. For me, the most important thing in your life is to live your life with integrity and not to give into peer pressure, to try to be something that you're not. To live your life as an honest and compassionate person. To contribute in some way.
I grew up in the 70s, when the careers advisor used to come to school, and he used to get the kids together and say, 'Look, I advise you to get a career, what can I say? That's it.'
This is why the terrorists hate us. And it’s not the glitter and it’s not the pomp and circumstance. We’ve got black and white, we’ve got Hispanic and Asian, we got gay, straight, and Guttenberg, all working together for one common goal: to get the mirror ball. And the mirror ball doesn’t care what color you are, and it doesn’t care how rich your parents are, and it doesn’t care what God you pray to. It’s an even wooden floor, and may the best man or woman win. And I say God bless Dancing with the Stars, and God bless the USA.
A family is suing Seaworld because they found their 27 year old son, dead and naked, in Shamu's pen. Look if you're 27 and you're still living at home with your mom and dad you need to kill yourself. The lawsuit also contends that the gifts at the gift shop don't show the nature of these vicious animals. Yeah, what part of the words "killer whale" do you not understand. If I told you there were some killer Mexicans living next door you wouldn't want to hang out with them. "But Judge Carlos, I thought Shamu loves everybody." He does...FOR DINNER. Can I get an amen? What do you say, ghost of Johnny Cochran?
Capitalism tries for a delicate balance: it attempts to work things out so that everyone gets just enough stuff to keep them from getting violent and trying to take other people’s stuff.
It was so cold, the politicians had their hands in their own pockets.
The most beautiful words in the English language are not "I love you", but "It's benign".
Ever notice when you blow in a dog’s face he gets mad at you, but when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window?
That's where the conflict starts. We all want for a wife a combination Sunday school teacher and a $500-a-night hooker.
I like to play pranks on my girlfriend, you know, keep things fresh for me, make me laugh, you know? She hates it. But like, the other night, I put Saran wrap over the toilet seat, you know, which doesn’t sound that original, but she’s bulimic.
I never learned hate at home, or shame. I had to go to school for that.