Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 597

King Solomon, who said to his thousand wives, "Who doesn't have a headache tonight?" Never got a dinner!

After spending the last 15 years guest hosting, I couldn’t be happier to get the opportunity to host my own show! I’m looking forward to talking sports, connecting with listeners, and interviewing amazing guests every day, while being a part of the FOX Sports Radio family. It was worth the wait.

If there’s anyone out there involved in illegal movie piracy... don't do it. Take a good look at these people. These are the people you're stealing from. Look at them! Face what you've done! There are women here who can barely afford enough gown to cover their breasts.

My friend and I were up to all sorts of shenanigans at school. But one time it ended up disrupting the whole class and we got in trouble. His parents told him he wasn't allowed to hang out with me any more. I had a friendship break-up in third grade. It was brutal.

When I trip, I feel like that’s the world saying "come here for a second." It just pulls me closer for a second, "yeah what do you want?" "I just want to remind you that you’re uncoordinated." "I’m aware of that, thank you... can I go now?" "Yeah, you can go, but never ever try to outrun me." "Ok, world, see you later." "Yeah, I’ll see you in about 50 years."

Two blind fellows walk into a wall.

I've always been opposed to groups. I can't believe the doctrine of group is going to work for every single person within the group.

Culture shock at barber shops cause I ain't hood enough.

It seems like when I first started, people got into comedy because they wanted to be good comedians.

Why are we rebuilding New Orleans? Whose idea was this, Aquaman?

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up. I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.

My wife was going through my car one night. She said looking for a map. I know it's bogus. 'Cause every time we drive anywhere, she knows exactly where we're going and has no problem telling me how to get there.

It's not all about love. That's half of it... The other half is about that moment you have with yourself when you're looking in the mirror, and you just go, 'Oh man. I'm going to compromise my dreams, get fat, sick, old and die someday. I kind of want to have someone around for that.'

We have no healthcare and we have all the guns in the world, it makes you think twice before you start throwing punches in a bar.