Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 597

I am 65, my friends say I look 55, I feel 45, I'll settle for 35, and you make me feel 25!

It seems like when I first started, people got into comedy because they wanted to be good comedians.

I have too much money invested in sweaters.

I'm so secretive that when someone asks me, "Hey, can you keep a secret?" I say "That's none of your business."

You can't stay mad at somebody who makes you laugh.

I'm an ordinary guy with an extraordinary job.

IRS officials calling you acting like you owe them the money personally! I don’t owe you shit! This is between me and the company!

The man has a 70% approval rate, which makes sense to me because he's pretty much done everything I expected him to do: the economy's in the toilet, we're at war and everything's on fire.

I started acting at the University of Michigan in my sophomore year.

When another comedian has a lousy show, I'm the first one to admit it.

The pill, now that's a good invention, just for the fact that everybody here knows exactly which pill I'm talking about. I gave you "the" and a very vague noun and everybody's onboard!

We want to be seen as more than just martial artists, or bad stereotype token roles in American TV and movies.

Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.

Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, "Yes, who did you think it was?"

I wake up some mornings and sit and have my coffee and look out at my beautiful garden, and I go, "Remember how good this is. Because you can lose it."