Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 597
There once was a man from Nantucket, whose rod was so long that he could get ball-deep up in that. And then he'd be, like, in it, and she'd be like, 'Oh baby, that's my spot, that's my spot. Keep going, no don't stop, baby, that's my spot -- careful, I'm ovulating,' and he's like 'No, it's OK, I use the rhythm method.' And then he shot his junk.
If women ran the world we wouldn't have wars, just intense negotiations every 28 days.
Some people are against porno and I say, “Hey, whatever a man and a woman and another woman with a penis and a midget do to a donkey, that’s their business.”
I was on the subway, sitting on a newspaper, and a guy comes over and ask, “Are you reading that?” I didn’t know what to say. So I said, “Yes,” stood up, turned the page, and sat down again.
My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better
My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.
I've heard of many chocoholics, but I ain't never seen no "chocohol". We got an epidemic, people: people who like chocolate but don't understand word endings. They're probably "over-workaholled".
Socrates said, the unexamined life is not worth living. My dad said, "Booty - mmm mmm."
Hillary Clinton said that her childhood dream was to be an Olympic athlete. But she was not athletic enough. She said she wanted to be an astronaut, but at the time they didn't take women. She said she wanted to go into medicine, but hospitals made her woozy. Should she be telling people this story? I mean she's basically saying she wants to be president because she can't do anything else.
Sometimes, when you want to make a difference in a person's life, stay out of it.
I feel so badly about what they do to turkeys. That's why this year my family and I are eating a live bird.
You try not to have a favorite when you have sons or kids. Can’t have a favorite. Can’t let them know know if you do. I don’t. I treat my main son and the other two exactly the same way.
The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood.