Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 597
There isn't any "New Man". The New Man is the old man, only he whines more.
There was one embarrassing moment for President Bush. When he heard there were forged documents that had been discovered he said: 'What? You mean they found my diploma from Yale?'
I think fur looks better on an animal than on a human being. So I dress my dog in a mink teddy.
Every generation has someone who steps outside the norm and offers a voice for the unspeakable attitudes of that time. I represent everything that's supposed to be wrong, everything that's forbidden.
Sometimes, when you want to make a difference in a person's life, stay out of it.
I just want people to know, “this dude is a funny dude. I’m a fan of this dude. Now I’m looking forward to the next one.”
Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but guilt is simply God's way of letting you know that you're having too good a time.
In the beginning, when I was doing my shows, I was incorporating a lot of Spanish, just trying to be a Latino comic instead of just a comic. Now I try to make the show as broad as possible... I don't want to alienate people. I want to make it so everybody can follow along and everybody can relate.
After spending the last 15 years guest hosting, I couldn’t be happier to get the opportunity to host my own show! I’m looking forward to talking sports, connecting with listeners, and interviewing amazing guests every day, while being a part of the FOX Sports Radio family. It was worth the wait.
If anything, I believe that when I die, I will have to stand in front of all the children who went to bed hungry while I was on earth and read aloud a list of my eBay purchases. I shudder to think of it. Explaining to a poor child with a swollen belly why I didn't give his village fifty cents a week but spent twenty-seven dollars in a bidding war for a Mars Attacks coffee cup.