Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 598
You try not to have a favorite when you have sons or kids. Can’t have a favorite. Can’t let them know know if you do. I don’t. I treat my main son and the other two exactly the same way.
The American education system couldn't be more badly directed or poorly funded if the Secretary of Education were Ed Wood.
I feel like having a baby and having a dog are pretty much the same except for the part where your vagina gets ruined.
Between New York and LA, there's 200 million people that aren't hip, and they don't want to be hip.
The doctor looked my body over. I said: "Is there any hope?" He said: "Yes. Reincarnation."
You might be a redneck if you stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam.
Listen, the weather is just like Hillary's explanation for her war vote: we just don't know, do we?
I’m Jewish. I’m not Uber-Jewish. Like I will use German to describe how Jewish I am.
Your fans make you. In entertainment, I don’t give a shit what you think you are, you are nothing without fans.
The first time I played golf was in Flushing Meadows, Queens, when I was about 16 or 17. They had an 18-hole pitch-and-putt. My buddies and I would hop the fence and sneak on and play.
Watching someone smoke when you can't is like watching porno without being able to jack off.