Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 598
When I trip, I feel like that’s the world saying "come here for a second." It just pulls me closer for a second, "yeah what do you want?" "I just want to remind you that you’re uncoordinated." "I’m aware of that, thank you... can I go now?" "Yeah, you can go, but never ever try to outrun me." "Ok, world, see you later." "Yeah, I’ll see you in about 50 years."
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap.
Here's something else to think about: calling when you say you're going to is the very first brick in the house you are building of love and trust. If he can't lay this one stupid brick down, you ain't never gonna have a house baby, and it's cold outside.
I like to go to concerts because I love to see my favourite band through the phone of the asshole who’s standing on front of me.
You might be a redneck if you stand under the mistletoe at Christmas and wait for Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
There was a guy last week back East who shot his wife at a Domestic Violence Center. I think he misunderstood the sign.
Most parts in comedy, they're not really written for men. They're written for, like, these boy-men.
I don't know if watching Chaz Bono will turn your kids into transsexuals, but I'm pretty sure that letting them watch Keith Ablow will turn them into assholes.
When another comedian has a lousy show, I'm the first one to admit it.
The pill, now that's a good invention, just for the fact that everybody here knows exactly which pill I'm talking about. I gave you "the" and a very vague noun and everybody's onboard!
Tragically, my last girlfriend couldn't cook to save her life.