Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 598

I would do a nude scene, sure, if they ever made the movie "Flat Ass Comes to Town!"

There's a lot more to being a woman than being a mother, but there's a hell of a lot more to being a mother than most people suspect.

I started this craze that's sweeping, no, it's Swiffering the nation.

Why would any woman agree to be on a show called Bridezillas? It's not like men would agree to be on Douchegroom.

Half the people you know are below average.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

There's a big difference between "poll workers" and "pole workers." Sadly.

The best thing I ever heard about doing comedy is that it’s the "business of rejection".

Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.

I never met a man I didn't like until I met Will Rogers.

Have you ever taken a serious political stand on anything? Yeah. Sure. For twenty-four hours once I refused to eat grapes.

There are a lot of reasons for that. For one, we have good light here.

Good morning... never experienced that myself.

I love being married, it's great, but I hate arguing. I hate fighting. You know what I do now? When we get in an argument, I just take her side against me. It's just easier; it goes quicker. She's like, 'What's wrong with you?' And I'm like, 'I know! Damn it! Argh!' She wins most of them anyway. I might as well be on the winning side occasionally.

Simon Peter, who embarrassed the other disciples at the Last Supper by asking for seconds." Never got a dinner!