Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 598

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.

Remember always what you set out to get, and please don’t settle for less.

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

I’m left on a lot of things. If two gay guys want to get married, I could care less. If a nut case from overseas wants to blow up their wedding, that’s when I’m right.

I am a wild and crazy guy!

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

My career is just kind of crazy.

Cougar jokes are now as hackneyed as airplane food.

Half the people you know are below average.

There were very few women comics when I started out doing stand-up. But I always saw that as a great advantage.

Halloween: the day each year when strangers give you even more specific reasons to dislike them based on what they are wearing.

Approached literally, there's but a hair's difference between "You'd better not pout, you'd better not cry," and "Don't scream."

I'm very romantic when I masturbate. I light some candles. Then I try to shoot them out when I'm done. Never invite me to a birthday party.

He tricked me into marrying him. He told me he was pregnant.

Drugs killed him, but they didn’t ruin his life by any stretch.