Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 596
Sometimes my mother goes through my socks and underwear. I wouldn't mind, but it tickles so much!
I'm supposed to be all re-injected with yes-we-can fever after the big health care speech, and it was a great speech - when Black Elvis gets jiggy with his teleprompter, there is none better. But here's the thing: Muhammad Ali also had a way with words, but it helped enormously that he could also punch guys in the face.
I really don't like art with a message. If you have a message that really needs to be said, just fucking say it.
If you wanna find out 101 things to do with plums, heh, read your in-flight magazine.
Nothing makes a white guy feel safer than seeing a trolly, you never feel you're gonna get fucked up when you're around a trolly.
Simon Peter, who embarrassed the other disciples at the Last Supper by asking for seconds." Never got a dinner!
I've always had something in my heart where I root for guys who struggle with women.
If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.
He went from looking like a Greek god to becoming Buddha: quiet, contained, but so powerful... And he's such a fighter. I thought, "He's going to the hospital, he'll be OK, he'll come out."
America is the only place where people go hunting on a full stomach.
A New York City judge struck down a proposed law to ban sodas larger than 16 ounces. I think Mayor Bloomberg should spend his time trying to improve stuff like education. New York needs a better education system if kids didn’t figure out they could get around the 16-ounce soda ban by simply purchasing two 12-ounce sodas.
For me, standup will always be some part of my life, and other things will move around and find their place.
Sometimes, when you want to make a difference in a person's life, stay out of it.