Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 596
My girlfriend is pregnant. She asked me if we should have it and I said yes. We should have it cremated.
If you wanna find out 101 things to do with plums, heh, read your in-flight magazine.
I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.
I’m for capital punishment. You’ve got to execute people. How else are they going to learn?
I got these new pajama bottoms and they have pockets. Which is great, because I was getting really tired of holding things while I slept.
She was so ugly that if you grab a dictionary and look under the word ugly you would see her picture.
I mostly get takeout, I have to admit - I don't know if that's something to be ashamed of. I'm not much of a cook.
I've always had something in my heart where I root for guys who struggle with women.
If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.
He went from looking like a Greek god to becoming Buddha: quiet, contained, but so powerful... And he's such a fighter. I thought, "He's going to the hospital, he'll be OK, he'll come out."
As our larynxes descended, we were able to make sounds with our mouths in new and far more expressive ways. Verbal language soon overtook physical gesturing as the primary means of communication for all human beings except Italians.
A New York City judge struck down a proposed law to ban sodas larger than 16 ounces. I think Mayor Bloomberg should spend his time trying to improve stuff like education. New York needs a better education system if kids didn’t figure out they could get around the 16-ounce soda ban by simply purchasing two 12-ounce sodas.