Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 596
I recently bought a cat, but took it back a day later because our personalities clashed.
I'll always be doing stand-up as long as people are still interested in seeing me.
My friend’s really into similes. He uses a lot of similes. He’s like annoying.
The role of a comedian is to make the audience laugh, at a minimum of once every fifteen seconds.
I did go to school - my kind of school. When I was a kid I went out ... and you meet people. You talk to them. Anybody says something that makes sense, it stays with you, rubs off on you. That kind of school.
He had a passion and a depth of belief, and an optimism, and a tenacity that I very much admired. He was one of the first people I remember learning about, and maybe his death left an indelible mark. I felt that Robert Kennedy was a man of political integrity.
Listen, I know what I like, and I know you know what I like, because you were trained to know what I like, but I would like to know, what do you like?
It's been a struggle for me because I had a chance to be white and refused.
[As George Bush] “Weapons of Mass Destruction. I’m so sure they have them.” Yeah, you and your daddy because you got the receipt.
I always say to women, 'Take advantage of the fact that you're in the minority, don't see it as a disadvantage. You're that much more unique when there's fewer of you.'
There once was a man from Nantucket, whose rod was so long that he could get ball-deep up in that. And then he'd be, like, in it, and she'd be like, 'Oh baby, that's my spot, that's my spot. Keep going, no don't stop, baby, that's my spot -- careful, I'm ovulating,' and he's like 'No, it's OK, I use the rhythm method.' And then he shot his junk.