Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 657

I didn't see it coming, ... But Comedy Central wanted to do it and will air all 13 shows that we did. That's why I'm going out on this tour. If the show wasn't picked up, I would probably be flying off to a sporting event or something in October. I wanted to take a couple of years off, but that will have to wait because of the show and the tour.

I think people should mate for life, like pigeons or Catholics.

Cats only pretend to be domesticated if they think there's a bowl of milk in it for them.

Basically Britney Spears' video is like a three an a half minute version of Glitter.

Right after 'Raymond' I had a world-is-my-oyster attitude, but I found out I don't like oysters. I had this existential emptiness. 'What is my purpose? Who am I?' I had a big identity crisis.

There's always something funny about men chasing women.

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

In Los Angeles they don't throw out their garbage away. They make it into television shows.

Every weekend, I would get the drunk driving lecture. Of course, Dad drank and drove all the time. I guess it wasn't a lecture; it was helpful tips from the master.

The opposite of sad is down's syndrome.

LL Cool J should be the spokesman for a line of pajamas called Ladies Love Cool Jammies.

The environment changed with Martha Stewart and Enron.

In all seriousness, do rappers really speak to the women in their life like that?

I have a "Do Not Disturb" sign on my hotel door. It's time to go to "Don't Disturb". It's been "Do Not" for too long. We should embrace the contraction.

You might be a redneck if you own at least 20 baseball hats.