Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 657
I feel bad for people who have never been addicted to anything, because they're the real losers. You want to know why? Because they don't know what it's like to really want something -- and then get it again and again and again.
Hopefully the process is to spot things that would be grist for the funny mill. In some respects, the heavier subjects are the ones that are most loaded with opportunity because they have the most - you know, the difference between potential and kinetic energy? - they have the most potential energy, so to delve into that gives you the largest combustion, the most interest. I don't mean for the audience. I mean for us. Everyone here is working too hard to do stuff we don't care about.
The Post Office is very careful nowadays. When they get a package marked “Fragile,” they throw it underhand.
No film critic's going to say it, but 'Madagascar 3' is better than 'The Artist.'
When you get a certain age pussy is not what it was when you was younger… I only fuck so I have a memory to jerk off to later.
I'm a citizen of the world. I like it that way. The world's a wonderful. I just think that some people are pretty badly represented. But when you speak to the people themselves they're delightful. They all want so little.
Any female teachers watching the show tonight, you've got to quit dating the students. That's the least we expect out of you. When I was 14 years old, my teacher wouldn't let me bang the erasers.
I don't think that's a cute accent on dudes - the French accent. It makes my vagina shut like a steel trap. I mean, thank god for that other hole.
I strapped an MP3 player to one of those floor-cleaning robots. Call him DJ Roomba - little guy cruises around and plays music. What’s hot, DJ Roomba!
Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.
Love is like a roll of tape. It's real good for making two things one, but just like that roll of tape, love sometimes breaks off before you were done. Another way that love is similar to tape, that I've noticed is sometimes it's hard to see the end. You search on the roll with your fingernail.
Being homeless is awful, but if you've ever tried to wrestle a duvet cover back onto a comforter you realise it's not without it's benefits.