Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 657

Comedy is my passion. I'm going to do this until I drop.

I don't want my president to be a TV star. You don't have to be on television every minute of every day - you're the president, not a rerun of "Law & Order". TV stars are too worried bout being popular and too concerned about being renewed.

I could have been in a sorority. Yes, I could. I could so. But they would not let me in because I already had a personality of my own.

Tom Cruise's pre-nup lets him keep his money, the kids and Katie Holmes.

I feel like having a baby and having a dog are pretty much the same except for the part where your vagina gets ruined.

NYU's like a Jurassic 5 concert: it's like there's supposed to be black people there, but they're not.

E.T., who said to Phyllis Diller, "You look weird." Never got a dinner!

If I could get my membership fee back, I'd resign from the human race.

She got her good looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

Curb Your Enthusiasm set me up so perfectly. That was one of my favorite shows before I got on it. That started a whole different level of a story for me. I didn’t know how to process it until after I got on the show and realized what the purpose of it was.

I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.

You can wait for things to happen for you or you can make things happen for you.

EGGS! They're not a food, they belong in no group! They're just farts clothed in substance!

You know, some people say life is short and that you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that you have to live each day like it's your last. Bullshit. Life is long. You're probably not gonna get hit by a bus. And you're gonna have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.

Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.