Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 657

One paper managed to add a misprint to this misinformation when they ran with the headline, 'You Can Kill Buglers.' Let me tell you, that little typo cost the lives of 17 of our finest valveless brass enthusiasts.

I just wanna hang out. No big deal!

I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

Television is never more false than when it's openly sincere.

Sometimes love is as sweet as kalbi.

Man was made in God`s image. Do you really think God has red hair and glasses?

If you've never seen an elephant ski, you've never been on acid.

I think if I were to get as big as I could get, it does change your mind-state. I think like the little man. I think like the underdog. I don't want to change that.

Someone told me Sean Hayes has agreed to star in the new version of the Three Stooges. The stars are starting to align.

Nietzsche says that we will live the same life, over and over again. God - I'll have to sit through the Ice Capades again.

A lot of people wouldn't feel miserable in this environment. A lot of people aren't dating my girlfriend.

I’m sadistic. I go to the supermarket to watch mothers lose it and beat the shit out of their kids.

I kinda expected to turn the bottle and see a recipe. "So that's how you make ice cubes. Apparently you just freeze this stuff. Oh, but you need a tray. That's how they trick you into it."

One of the things that happens when people make the leap from a certain amount of money to tens of millions of dollars is that the people around you dramatically change.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.