Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 658

In spite of what Thomas Jefferson wrote, all men may be created equal, but not to all women.

I don't have no damn cover! Kiss my ass, so what?

May a tse tse fly bite you where it counts.

Diabetes is a sugar imbalance. You are an estrogen molotov cocktail.

I love having somebody there - that companion thing. You know who you're going to eat with, who you're going to see a movie with.

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

Stayed up and watched a little spanktrovision. It's the American way. There's really nothing wrong with spanktrovision. One of the best inventions of the 1900s, 20th century.

My mother would say, "Why are you always playing alone?" And I would say, "I'm not playing, Ma. I'm fucking serious!"

I used to do boiler room telemarketing for a living, like hardcore fraud stuff that gets busted on 60 Minutes every week.

The wedding took place in Vermont, where they have legalized gay civil unions, and I married a woman.

Contribute to the world. Help people. Help one person. Help someone cross the street today. Help someone with directions unless you have a terrible sense of direction. Help someone who is trying to help you. Just help. Make an impact. Show someone you care. Say yes instead of no. Say something nice. Smile. Make eye contact. Hug. Kiss. Get naked.

I think that should be the anti - speeding advert it should be footage of Richard Hammond trying to remember his own wedding day.

Some of the most devastating things that happen to you will teach you the most.

This was in the 80's, when you couldn't just take a pill the next day to Control + Z that shit.

We need to be prepared to help with their rent and utilities for six months to a year. We don't want them working right now.