Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 658

You might be a redneck if you own at least 20 baseball hats.

My girlfriend is pregnant. She asked me if we should have it and I said yes. We should have it cremated.

And y'know, they're God's representatives, so that means... God fucks little boys.

I haven't been as wild with my money as somebody like me might have been. I've been very safe, very conservative with investments. I don't blow money. I don't have a ton of houses. I know things can go away. I've already had that experience.

If you're getting raped by a fireman, do not yell "FIRE." And definitely don't bring up 9/11.

Why did the Articles of Confederation fail so completely? Most historians believe the founding fathers spent a great deal of their first constitutional convention drafting the delaration of independence and only realized on July 3rd the Articles were also due.

Rational people, anti-religionists, must end their timidity and come out of the closet and assert themselves. And those who consider themselves only moderately religious really need to look in the mirror and realize that the solace and comfort that religion brings you actually comes at a terrible price.

I don’t let men smoke in my apartment. But if I have a woman over she can barbecue a goat.

Cake or death?

There are really funny alternative comics and really funny straight comics who write and perform traditionally.

Every passing minute is another chance to turn it all around.

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

My body is falling so fast my gynaecologist wears a hard hat.

I don't have regrets. I've never sat here and thought, Gee, if only I'd done The Man Who Came to Dinner on Broadway, I would have been happier.

I know that if I wasn't scared, something's wrong, because the thrill is what's scary.