Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 658

You don’t give out trophies for losing. Trophies for sucking. That’s a communist idea. You don’t get a trophy for losing. You get a piece of pizza and you shut up. Trophies for losing? What the hell happened to us?

I strapped an MP3 player to one of those floor-cleaning robots. Call him DJ Roomba - little guy cruises around and plays music. What’s hot, DJ Roomba!

I do not enjoy when people don't like me.

And then Jesus answered him, Jesus said, 'Well, my son...that is when I was helping one of the other five billion people on the planet, you selfish fuck. C'mon! You were walking back to your Malibu beach colony home and stubbed your toe on some driftwood, it's not a fuckin' emergency, alright? There's other people with real problems.'

We show-ed a lot of intensity on defense early. But we missed one of our point guards who is the spark for our defense.

No one is better at not beating America than England.

Don't talk to strangers. Sure, unless you want to meet anyone ever.

Jimmy Buffet was entertaining people at the last shuttle launch... talk about outdated technology.

I feel like the American people are being lied to and manipulated. President Bush is trying to force 9/11 and Saddam together.

In the beginning of any career, in every job, people are always forcing you to the middle.

That's the formaldehyde. That's why Granny's so well-preserved.

While we're waiting for a cab I'll give you your lesson for today. Don't listen to what your teachers tell ya, you know. Don't pay attention. Just, just see what they look like and that's how you'll know what life is really gonna be like.

All that waiting around for a glimmer of stage time, just getting angry every week. It was just an oppressive, horrible, horrible place to be. I went to work feeling nauseous.

Sometimes when jokes fall flat, you feel so alone. You’re like, “Well, I thought this was funny.” Sometimes you can feel really lonely.

If you hit a midget on the head with a stick, he turns into 40 gold coins.