Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 658
Someone told me Sean Hayes has agreed to star in the new version of the Three Stooges. The stars are starting to align.
I’m sadistic. I go to the supermarket to watch mothers lose it and beat the shit out of their kids.
I kinda expected to turn the bottle and see a recipe. "So that's how you make ice cubes. Apparently you just freeze this stuff. Oh, but you need a tray. That's how they trick you into it."
My father and I had dinner tonight and I made a classic Freudian slip. I meant to say, “Could you pass me the salt please?” But it comes out, “You putz, you ruined my childhood.”
I don’t care if you’re a brother, a sister a mother or a father: you’re nothing unless you’ve washed your disabled brother’s cock before taking him to a prostitute!
Real patriotism is realizing America sucks, but everywhere else is a thousand times worse.
Yale men do not like to be told anything by people who didn't go to Yale. The closest I came to Yale was once I had one of their padlocks.
The whole dating ritual was different when I was a kid. Girls got pinned - not nailed.
I don't even have a clue as to where to find a pregnancy test. I'm looking at all the aisles... they don't have one that says 'oops.'
I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn't have to wait for it to age.
Parents often give middle names just so that later, when they're yelling at the kid, they can drag it out. "Henry David Thoreau, you come in here this instant!"
There are two things that you have to lie to get through. One is politics, and the other is marriage.
I am the biggest fag hag. I love my gay male friends so much. But when I was a little girl I always wished I would be constantly surrounded by gorgeous guys. And I am. And I should have been more specific.