Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 656
It looks like Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt are ‘taking a break.’ Their engagement is off, and Heidi is going back to Colorado. This is really sad for Heidi and for all the Hills fans and for the entire state of Colorado.
Katie Holmes told In Style magazine that Tom’s turned on by the sight of her in a suit and miniskirt. Tom also likes it when Katie wears the monitoring bracelet on her ankle.
People wonder why our kids are getting fat? Maybe it's 'cause we're sitting on our asses on the couch at home watching other people play cards on television? We can't even play cards ourselves. 'Yeah, I'd cut the deck, but I don't want to reach my target heart rate.'
The good things in life are free, except for health care, and electricity.
Do me a favor, guys. Don't drink so much that you become the guy that goes into the bathroom and moans while taking a leak. See, the women in the room, they might not know what we're talking about; every dude knows.
There was this billy goat at a movie studio who found and ate a can of film. When a nanny asked him how he liked it, he said, "It was all right but I liked the book better."
If you are wondering if a guinea pig is the right pet for you, find an old shoe, put it in a cage, then teach it how to shit. In love yet?
Are your feet tired? Because you’ve been stomping on my dreams for a while now. Let’s break up.
Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.
I don't think that's a cute accent on dudes - the French accent. It makes my vagina shut like a steel trap. I mean, thank god for that other hole.
I don't think it's fair - you get married, you give your wife a wedding ring. I think you should give her a mood ring. Oh, it may sound crass, but just check the color when you come home. "Hi honey. Infernal red? Oh boy, I ain't getting laid, and I gotta cut the lawn, I know it."
You know crazy straws - they go all over the place? These straws are sane. They never lost their mind. They say, "we're going straight to the mouth. That guy who takes a while to get there? He's crazy."