Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 656
The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!
Even when I was in school shows, in elementary school doing plays, I'd always go off book and start improvising.
Why do some bald guys grow ponytails? It it the same reason people too old to run always wear track shoes and sweat pants?
No parents. You have Uncle Jesse, forever in overalls. Then there's Bo and Duke. What do they do? I never saw them working for food or gas money. You can only kill so many possum.
The one thing you don’t want to be is a sucky clean comic. I hate sucky clean comics! It’s like Christian rock, bro. I’d rather listen to gospel and Christian rock. That’s cheating!
My father and I had dinner tonight and I made a classic Freudian slip. I meant to say, “Could you pass me the salt please?” But it comes out, “You putz, you ruined my childhood.”
I've always run by the hierarchy of "If not funny, interesting. If not interesting, hot. If not hot, bizarre. If not bizarre, break something."
I'm sorry if any of you are catholic. I'm not sorry if you're offended, I'm actually just sorry by the fact that you're catholic.
When two kids are being completely berserk, and they're naked and throwing food around, sometimes I just let it go because I can see a future where they're going to be dressed, and they're going to be at school. So I kind of let stuff go sometimes.
There’s the members of the new partnership: Fuentes, Fuentes, Chico, and Dummo.
I don't care what people think of me because I never cared what I thought about myself.
I didn't see it coming, ... But Comedy Central wanted to do it and will air all 13 shows that we did. That's why I'm going out on this tour. If the show wasn't picked up, I would probably be flying off to a sporting event or something in October. I wanted to take a couple of years off, but that will have to wait because of the show and the tour.
Cats only pretend to be domesticated if they think there's a bowl of milk in it for them.
People always are encouraging about a terrible loss, so that sometimes the loser would like to strangle them.