Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 656
That looks like something out of the dumpster of planned parenthood.
I think genitalia is proof that the universe loves women more than men. And I’ll tell you why. Cause if you look at women’s stuff, it’s all kind of gross, but at least it’s all organized. It’s like God made a little package. It’s all tucked in with hospital corners and stuff. And with men it’s like God started to make a bow and the phone rang.
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
My wife and I never agree on the dishtowels. It's a matter of terms. She asks me not to put the dishtowel in the sink. So I drape it over the sink, but not in the sink. If that's our biggest problem, I think we're in good shape.
Although to be fair, cherry picking isn't quite what we do. Cherries are sweet and delicious. What we do is more turd mining. And I'll thank you to give our work the respect it deserves!
Hazel, if I hit you in the mouth, I bet your lips get to the hospital before the amulance.
I'm not a movie guy, I'm not a TV sitcom guy, but whatever seems to fit and is funny is good for me.
The only time I would like to see was the 20s and 30s in America because I love the music and the style and the optimism, I wanted to see New York being built. I wanted to see all that, you know.
In addition to optimal atmosphere, the tight-knit staff at Kelly's made performers feel welcome and above all respected. Elsewhere, that wasn't always the case. I made some good friends there. It was a wonderful place. You never missed home when you were there. I was having a good time, and people were awfully good to me.
My father's cock went into my mother's cunt in the backroom of a Cinnabon. That's how I was born.
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
I love doing comedy, you guys. I knew comedy was for me when I was the only Asian in high school that failed math. But you know, when I failed, eight other students around me failed, too.
I don't know if it's the weather or what's going on - the summer or something like that - but recently I've been feeling extremely bisexual. I don't know what it is. I don't know what's going on, but I walked down the street and, suddenly, the ladies are looking awfully good to me.