Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 656

I want to see riots! I want to see the kind of riots where cab drivers are afraid to pick up white people! I want to see this guy!

I've never really worked on them. Just once in a while one hits me and makes me laugh. My Al Gore was sort of like a gay Gomer Pyle.

I guess what surprised me the most was the discrepancy in casualties: Iraq, one hundred fifty thousand casualties, USA...seventy-nine! Let's go over those numbers again, they're a little baffling at first. Iraq, 150,000, USA 79. Does that mean we could have won with only 80 guys there? Just one guy in a ticker-tape parade, "I did it! Hey!"

There's always something funny about men chasing women.

Let’s say you know 100% beyond the shadow of a doubt that you’d take a bullet for your child. Let me ask you this: why are so many people trying to assassinate your baby?

I learned compassion from being discriminated against. Everything bad that's ever happened to me has taught me compassion.

If you have ever spray-painted your girlfriends name on an overpass, you might be a redneck.

Even if you are 18, my advice to you is: plan for your future.

I wanted a bumper sticker that wouldn't be controversial. On my bumper sticker it says, “I'd rather be coming”.

I love doing comedy, you guys. I knew comedy was for me when I was the only Asian in high school that failed math. But you know, when I failed, eight other students around me failed, too.

Religion is far more of a choice than homosexuality.

It's always helpful to remember that in the grand scheme of things you are much more important than... um, wait, than... something, maybe.

Eve, who said to Adam, "What do you mean the kids don't look like you?" Never got a dinner! (Got an apple, but never got a dinner.)

I come from the place where I am thinking "I have put my blood on the pages."

I don't have to tell you folks about scuba diving. So, that'll save some time.