Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 656
I'm in show business... I want to hang out with Janet Jackson, not Jesse Jackson.
Hopefully the process is to spot things that would be grist for the funny mill. In some respects, the heavier subjects are the ones that are most loaded with opportunity because they have the most - you know, the difference between potential and kinetic energy? - they have the most potential energy, so to delve into that gives you the largest combustion, the most interest. I don't mean for the audience. I mean for us. Everyone here is working too hard to do stuff we don't care about.
EGGS! They're not a food, they belong in no group! They're just farts clothed in substance!
People always are encouraging about a terrible loss, so that sometimes the loser would like to strangle them.
All people naturally hate. My kid bites people now. I didn't teach my kid to bite anybody. Kids say mean stuff. Only through love do we get this evil out of them. Only through love and structure and discipline do they not hate. The kids that hate didn't learn anything, that's the problem.
They are telling me there is no way I can fill up an entire room. There must be a constant reminder that I’m not quite able to fill a room.
You know, the funny thing about child pornography, aside from the lack of credits at the end...
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it and says, "Here, you can go."
We've got to the stage where Sparrows and Otters are becoming extinct. I mean the next series of Spring Watch is going to be like Schindler's list. Just all shown in black and white with a little Robins red breast. Bill Oddie smuggling Badgers through Belgium. But the Panda's want to die, the Panda's want to die out and we're forcing them to have sex. Can you imagine that on your death bed some zoo keeper's trying to make you hump someone? I can. It's not all bad extinction is it? I mean it's less stuff to have to learn to teach your kids. "What's that daddy?" Well it's a dog cause there's only dogs left.
I think I identify more with the smart guy, but most people might take umbrage at that. I like to think of myself as a real thinker, but I suppose people might beg to differ.
It sounds like I'm always being facetious. That's why I never get voice over work. 'You sound like you hate the product.'
You might be a redneck if you have a very special baseball cap, just for formal occasions.
Somebody can say they don't understand why somebody drifts. But I've always found people who drift interesting, 'cause it shows me the game's not stagnant in their own head. They're thinking.