Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 746
What about the rumours David Cameron smoked drugs as a schoolboy? What worries me most is that he dressed up as a schoolboy to do it, the pervert.
I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.
My grandfather invented the cold air balloon... But it never really took off.
The other day I saw a guy with a sign that said, "where will you spend eternity?". Which freaked me out because I was on my way to the Department of Motor Vehicles.
We have archeology on television, and I quite like it; it’s a sort of detective thing, but it’s really true, you know it’s there… But it’s kind of slow on telly, it has this problem of, “We’ve been here three weeks on live television, and we’ve taken off about a millimeter of top soil so far…” There’s men with brushes and beards… maybe they’ve just got beards, I’m not sure… “We found this and carbon-dated it to last Tuesday, so we’re very excited…”
Julie Christie was absolutely amazing in Away From Her. Brilliant movie. It was the moving story of a woman who forgets her own husband. Hillary Clinton calls it the feel good movie of the year.
When my friends and I played cowboys and Indians, I was always the Chinese railroad worker.
When you're doing stand-up, you achieve an intimacy with the audience you can't get on TV. There's not a better feeling in the entire world then when you look out and see the audience is identifying with you.
I think what I do in my acting world and what I do in my standup world is bring up a brand that I want to bring across. Once you figure out your brand and what you do, it's kind of easy at that. You end up getting your audience.
Clinton could have done a better job with the hurricane while having sex.
“Hey, you couldn’t write stuff like that could ya!! Of course you could…I did”.
Sometimes it looks like I’m dancing, but it’s just that I walked into a spider web.