Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 746

I had a real job at fourteen years old. At seventeen, I was on my own. At twenty, I cut the liver out of a drifter and gave it to my father! 'Cause my dad's a drinker and I love my dad. And for eighty bucks, you can do anything in Mexico!

I don't like when juice wears tights, its a horrible combination when juice wears tights.

It was reported that the New York Knicks have won all 12 of the home games attended by magician David Blaine. A spokesman for the Knicks said, 'if this is what it takes to win, it's not worth it.'

I finally found out how priests get holy water. They boil the hell out of it.

How do people shit on themselves when they are sleeping? That's some nasty shit....like what kinda sick dream were you having that caused that.

I'm quite lucky, because I've got a small, decorative concrete pig.

I don’t want to be a mom. I could easily be a dad. I could lie on a couch and have my kid come up to me for the first time when they’re 5 years old and go, “Dad, can I go outside?”<br /> “I dunno, ask your mother.”<br /> That I can do. I’d be amazing at that.

Grannies Gone Wild’: She may have alzheimer’s, but she still nasty!

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

I like the energy of live performance.

She kind of reminds one of Helen. There's something very similar about Elizabeth Perkins.

California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.

Everything I ever learned I was told by someone else.

For the first time ever, overweight people outnumber average people in America. Doesn't that make overweight the average then? Last month you were fat, now you're average - hey, let's get a pizza!

A good way to keep your relationship together is not to scream in terror when you see your partner naked.