Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 746

Because I think whenever you sit down with another human being who would absolutely disagree with you on every issue, you learn about them as a person and you relate, in human terms, and it's much more difficult for either side to dismiss out of hand, like that person's a freak, that person's a Nazi.

How do people shit on themselves when they are sleeping? That's some nasty shit....like what kinda sick dream were you having that caused that.

Race is still somewhat of a taboo in comedy. But if you’re a minority, then you can make fun of your own minority. And that’s a nice service that many of them provide.

This sausage roll only contains 2% of your daily intake of calories… if you lick it.

I really don’t deserve this. But I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either.

I think everyone should own six guns, even though I don't own any.

I live to laugh, and I laugh to live.

Just don't take any class where you have to read BEOWULF.

I love Mexico because it’s a giant dollar store. That economy though - I don’t understand that. When your money gets so valueless at what point do you just sit down and go, “You know what? we got to go back to trading chickens again. This is just not working.”

It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights.

Drinking and driving is safer than either drinking or driving - and no one has ever died drinking, driving and juggling.

Everybody's got cable.

Anyone look back at their high school career and just shudder at what you got away with and didn't die?

Give me 200 active 2-year-olds and I could conquer the world.

It is a point of pride for the American male to keep the same size jockey shorts for his entire life.