Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 747
Drinking and driving is safer than either drinking or driving - and no one has ever died drinking, driving and juggling.
I'm curious by individuals that embrace half a story so they can justify how incomplete they feel about their own self worth.
Went to the grocery store, got everything on my list and went up to the checkout. I put a bag of pet food for our rabbit on the conveyor. The girl looked at me and said, "Do you have a rabbit?" I looked at here and said deadpan, "Nope. Just like 'em 'cause they're crunchy. Here's your sign."
There are no innocent fucking victims. If you live on this planet you're guilty - period - Fuck you - End of report - Next case.
My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.
I'm the leader of the platoon and I run gambling and lotteries, dances and I sell beer illegally. I'm a con man and I'm thoroughly lovable.
You know you're getting older when your haters now want to kill you.
Originally they wanted me to be Buster but I really like the Tobias part.
If you find yourself lost in the woods, build a house. "Well, I was lost, but now I live here!"
I absolutely want to have a career where you make'em laugh and make'em cry. It's all theater.
People tend to call me names that I can't repeat on basic cable. I will give you a hint. They rhyme with "itch," "hunt," & "bore."
I've been told to speed up my delivery when I perform. But if I lose the stammer, I'm just another slightly amusing accountant.
My wife is on a diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn’t lost any weight, but she can sure climb a tree.