Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 747

Who needs sleep? I laugh in the face of sleep!

Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know?

I actually love Catholicism, it's my favourite form of clandestine global evil.

I'm a believer that when one door closes another one opens. But why does the one opening always hit me full-speed-knob-first into my nuts?

He's so fat, he can be his own running mate.

I'm curious by individuals that embrace half a story so they can justify how incomplete they feel about their own self worth.

If we are all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?

There are no innocent fucking victims. If you live on this planet you're guilty - period - Fuck you - End of report - Next case.

My wife is a real Puritan. She thinks licking the stamp on the envelope of a Valentine is foreplay.

Lying, cheating, hiding is the exact opposite of the behavior of a man who’s really into you.

I don't understand art-speak. My pictures are big doodles. I'm amazed what people come up with when they look at them. There's one of a figure with two heads that somebody thought must be a comment on the state of matrimony. None of it is a comment on anything.

A doctor has a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks "Doc, how do I stand?" The doctor says "That's what puzzles me!"

It's cool to be healthy.

When I don't know what to do, I just open my mouth. Why won't anyone date me?

They're all sources of material. What I love about what I do, the more you talk about your life, there are so many people who have similar experiences.