Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 745
My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.
When I tour, it's like, well, like a food tour as much as a comedy tour. I try to eat at all the weird places, the obscure barbecue joints, burger places. There are a few spots in L.A. that I'm obsessed with - one of them is the Taco Zone taco truck on Alvarado. There are secret off-menu items that are amazing.
A new study published by The British Medical Journal found that inactivity can kill you. I mean, these are the kind of findings that just scare the hell out of Congress.
As the poet said, "Only God can make a tree", probably because it's so hard to figure out how to get the bark on.
Rockefeller once explained the secret of success. 'Get up early, work late - and strike oil.'
I got a vibrator that needed two nine volt batteries. What am I - R2D2? I don't know what to do with that.
It's always difficult when someone close to you passes away. But it's really tough when they're on top of you.
I really love Barack Obama. Sorry if that’s like “Ew. The president. That’s lame.” I love Barack Obama. What a great man. I’m so lucky to have voted for that guy.
I wasn’t really that informed about the two-year-old. Oh, I'd read about them, and occasionally I’d see documentaries on the Discovery Channel showing two-year-olds in the wild, where they belong.
The things that I'm talking about not knowing, they're not mysteries of the universe; it's just stuff I thought I would know by the time I was thirty-nine.
Where did we come from? Where are we going? Is there possibility of a group discount?
I had a real job at fourteen years old. At seventeen, I was on my own. At twenty, I cut the liver out of a drifter and gave it to my father! 'Cause my dad's a drinker and I love my dad. And for eighty bucks, you can do anything in Mexico!