Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 745
I'm a believer that when one door closes another one opens. But why does the one opening always hit me full-speed-knob-first into my nuts?
All politicians promise that which they cannot deliver. I just wish they did so less gleefully.
I'm excited to be here. I almost didn't do this show, because I have certain requests in order to do a benefit show. And I said, "I'll do the show, but I need giant gay icicles behind me or I can't do it. I work with giant gay icicles or you can forget it." It worked out, it's cool, so they make me look cool and a little less gay than the icicles themselves.
When I tour, it's like, well, like a food tour as much as a comedy tour. I try to eat at all the weird places, the obscure barbecue joints, burger places. There are a few spots in L.A. that I'm obsessed with - one of them is the Taco Zone taco truck on Alvarado. There are secret off-menu items that are amazing.
I don't know what to do. I have a friend in Japan. And he actually owes me ten bucks.
We bought a piece of stereo equipment, you know inside the box they put that little package of drying agent. And on this in big bold letters, what does it say? ‘Do not eat this’. You ever bought a piece of stereo equipment thinkin’ there might be somethin’ to eat in there?
I really think I'm at the top of my game right now, and I have the tools that I've learned over the years, so I feel really good about what I'm doing onstage now.
Rockefeller once explained the secret of success. 'Get up early, work late - and strike oil.'
These days, teachers have it rough. Kids can be hyperactive, disobedient, and obnoxious. It must feel like being locked in a room of drunk midgets.
I wasn’t really that informed about the two-year-old. Oh, I'd read about them, and occasionally I’d see documentaries on the Discovery Channel showing two-year-olds in the wild, where they belong.
I talk a lot about women in my act, 'cause let's face it - if I was hungry, I would talk about food.
The first night was awful because I was so afraid, and I was never more afraid because it was going out of my character to be outgoing and to be vulnerable and to be out there and onstage. My hands were sweaty and I couldn't swallow, and I drank a bottle of wine to calm my nerves.
You'd think, if you was me, you would think this and I am me, so I'm in a perfect position to offer conclusive evidence on that... innit like when you go away on holiday, you think 'oh yeah, I'd better go away on holiday, cheer myself up, get away from it all" but when you go on holiday, you're there, so it's shit!