Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 745

I left England when I was four because I found out I could never be King.

We had to break up, though. We wanted different things - like he wanted kids and I wanted him to hear.

Rockefeller once explained the secret of success. 'Get up early, work late - and strike oil.'

I'm sitting down, and then these two ladies are pissed at me because I'm not crying. And then they go, "Excuse me, sir, why aren't you crying, sir?" I'm like, "'Cause I read the book, bitch. Keep bothering me, and I'll ruin the ending".

Don't go back over your life with a red pen.

Disgusting. I just found my grandpa's Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many.

Never hit a baby, even if they start it.

You can't teach somebody how to be funny. You're either funny, or you ain't.

When people ask me if Dean Martin drank, let me put it this way. If Dracula bit Dean in the neck, he'd get a Bloody Mary.

What about the rumours David Cameron smoked drugs as a schoolboy? What worries me most is that he dressed up as a schoolboy to do it, the pervert.

I don't have a good work ethic. I have a real casual relationship with hours.

I'm looking for Miss Right, or at least, Miss Right Now.

I'm at the age now where just putting my cigar in its holder is a thrill.

My grandfather invented the cold air balloon... But it never really took off.

A gynecologist is the dentist for the downstairs mouth.