Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 751

Yeah, I love being famous. It's almost like being white, y'know?

It wasn't until I became more confident with myself and I put myself forward instead of the jokes; at first it was put the jokes out there and I'm just behind the jokes.

The first Monopoly game I played with my brothers, I hated losing so much, I just had to beat them.

Feels good to try, but playing a father, I'm getting a little older. I see now that I'm taking it more serious and I do want that lifestyle.

Why is it we don't always recognize the moment when love begins, but we always know when it ends?

If I'm on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast. If God wants to play through, let him.

If you properly clean a room, it gets dirtier before it gets cleaner.

Everything that used to be a sin is now a disease.

I took a walk in Central Park and got all excited when I thought I saw a robin redbreast. Turned out to be a pigeon with a knife wound.

I am two with nature.

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

If you ever thought you were ugly, Los Angeles is the place to come and find out you were right.

I inherited my low-self esteem from my family. My grandfather's mantra was "I suck therefore I am."

Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,<br /> For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain.<br /> America, America, man sheds his waste on thee,<br /> And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.

Twenty-one years ago today Saddam Hussein was first elected president of Iraq and he has been re-elected ever since. Apparently they have the same electoral process we do, you don't need the popular vote to win.