Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 751
Put your fucking camera away, you stupid fucking tourist of life! There's a whole generation of shitheads just filming every fucking thing they do. "I'm gonna film my entire life and watch it later!"
You know what they say, when one door closes, another Belvedere opens.
So I went to the Doctor's yesterday. He said, "What appears to be the problem?" I said, "I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away." He said, "How can I help?" I said: "break my arms."
You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with.
You wanna know how you know you’re informed as a protestor? They don’t show your interview on TV.
When I go to the dentist, he's the one that has to have the anesthetic.
At some point, the pride has to be a part of the whole day-to-day oeuvre. It's part of who you are and doesn't need to be discussed anymore.
People are always asking me when I'm going to retire. Why should I? I've got it two ways - I'm still making movies, and I'm a senior citizen, so I can see myself at half price.
I'm trying to do things I have never done. Like I recently went to 3 different ballets. And I loved trying to learn how to like those a little bit.
If a cunt falls in the forrest, but lacks the self awareness to really see it, did it fall in the first place?
We never talked to each other in my family. We communicated by putting Ann Landers articles on the refrigerator.
Look, just tell me where that lemon came from and I'll shut up and go away.