Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 751

The first guy who got Aids was a French flight attendant. How you like that Frenchie! You know when I come back and run for office, that may be the one that comes back and haunts me.

White people, you did not get a receipt for niggas, you can not return us!

On Thanksgiving my mom put black armbands on the turkey wings so we would remember our dead relatives.

My grandfather used to make home movies and edit out the joy.

At home now, I have cough medicine on tap.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

Where does the dentist go when he leaves the room?

It was reported that the New York Knicks have won all 12 of the home games attended by magician David Blaine. A spokesman for the Knicks said, 'if this is what it takes to win, it's not worth it.'

90% of the activities girls do is to get a guy’s attention and it’s just the way we’re built biologically. We love to get your attention. It’s part of the sport of it. You think I go to a sports bar because I like warm beer and sticky barstools? No! I go 'cause there’s guys there. You think I do a pub crawl every year because I like it when my liver hurts? No. I do it 'cause there’s guys there. We don’t wear heels for our circulation. We do it to prop up our butt so you’ll look at it and wanna mate with me. This isn’t a freaking game, alright? This isn't a push up bra - it's body armour. And this ain't make up, sweetheart - it's war paint! They say men are hunters and women are gatherers. Well, sort of. We gather information about you, and then we hunt you.

By the way, great way to fight: arms down, face presented.

I'm going to be putting together a tour, where myself and some like-minded comics go out.

You forget how crazy people are in New York, all the people on the sidewalk. When you leave here, everyone's in their car. But I get back here - I just went to throw something in the garbage, and there was a guy in the garbage. And he wasn't looking in it; he is in it, looking out over 9th Ave like a fisherman.

You might be a redneck if you take your dog for a walk and you both use the tree at the corner.

I'm quite lucky, because I've got a small, decorative concrete pig.

You don't have to believe everything you think.