Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 750

Catholic - which I was until I reached the age of reason.

We have two kinds of air: regular and chunky style.

Did you know they had home paternity tests now at Rite Aid? Not pregnancy tests. Paternity tests. So you can go down the aisle… you and your kid, ‘Uh, let’s get some toilet paper. You want an ice cream cone? You know, while we’re at it why don’t we see who your daddy is.”

When I tour, it's like, well, like a food tour as much as a comedy tour. I try to eat at all the weird places, the obscure barbecue joints, burger places. There are a few spots in L.A. that I'm obsessed with - one of them is the Taco Zone taco truck on Alvarado. There are secret off-menu items that are amazing.

Now you know the house rules, no !@#$% after eleven

On Courtney Love: I was only in her company two hours, but I can’t blame that Kurt Cobain fella.

If your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade, you might be a redneck.

You know you're getting older when your haters now want to kill you.

I'm astounded by people who want to "know" the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that.

Marriage is the death of hope.

I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.

I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.

The first guy who got Aids was a French flight attendant. How you like that Frenchie! You know when I come back and run for office, that may be the one that comes back and haunts me.

White people, you did not get a receipt for niggas, you can not return us!