Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 750

I'm like Bush, I see the world more like checkers than chess.

He was born early. But he was born within a safe range of premature.

Me and my dad used to play tag, he'd drive!

The biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.

Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.

To all my fans who’s saying Donald Glover about to blow, just give me six months so you can say I told you so.

Never go online to self-diagnose. Ever. Don’t fucking do it.

I love Mexico because it’s a giant dollar store. That economy though - I don’t understand that. When your money gets so valueless at what point do you just sit down and go, “You know what? we got to go back to trading chickens again. This is just not working.”

Whether it means having a show, or a movie, or just being on a stage, I need an avenue to say what I have to say.

It's easy to sit on a mountaintop and tell people what to do and how to be happy. I have chosen to do that. Not because it's easy, but for a different reason, which I would reveal, if your mind was ready to handle it, which it isn't, which is also very convenient for me.

It's the first day of spring. That means this weekend I'll take down my Christmas lights.

I like to think of myself as the middleman between Fred Allen and Henny Youngman.

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

I'd be far more content if I could mind someone else's business.

In my lifetime, we've gone from Eisenhower to George W. Bush. We've gone from John F. Kennedy to Al Gore. If this is evolution, I believe that in twelve years, we'll be voting for plants.