Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 752

Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,<br /> For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain.<br /> America, America, man sheds his waste on thee,<br /> And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.

Twenty-one years ago today Saddam Hussein was first elected president of Iraq and he has been re-elected ever since. Apparently they have the same electoral process we do, you don't need the popular vote to win.

Why can't I love him (a 2 yr old nephew) from afar? That’s how I want to love him – through pictures and folklore.

I wrote my friend a letter with a highlighting pen, but he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.

When people ask me if Dean Martin drank, let me put it this way. If Dracula bit Dean in the neck, he'd get a Bloody Mary.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar. The barman looks at them and says: "Is this some kind of a joke?"

I've been doin' drive-bys all of my life. Except the bullets are newspapers, the car is my bike.

Do you know who loves to get fisted? Sock puppets.

If the owner hadn't come and seen the smoke, by time this place opened tonight it would have been rolling.

I wanted to be less well-known in comedy.

Thank God I'm at that point in my career where I don't have to take stuff that I don't really want to do.

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

Plenty of crazy people in New York. There are so many crazy people here, I think it's like one out of every one person is completely out of their mind.

I once had a problem... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.

There's going to be a new cable-TV channel for dogs. Dogs don't even watch TV. But the schedule came out today. And they've got great shows, like "Barks & Recreation" and "Game of Bones."