Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 752
People are always asking me when I'm going to retire. Why should I? I've got it two ways - I'm still making movies, and I'm a senior citizen, so I can see myself at half price.
If a cunt falls in the forrest, but lacks the self awareness to really see it, did it fall in the first place?
America: where Irish, English, Germans, Scandinavians, Poles and Italians come together to kill Indians, lynch niggers and beat the shit out of spics and Jews.
If you really really don’t like someone, like you really don’t like someone, buy them a pony. Cause, "You know what, fuck you! Take care of this pony!"
People feel like they're defined by where they live, where they're from. Americans, for example, are very proud of being from America. I used to love the Americans, but I went off them last year, the Americans, because of them all ganging up on the bloke from BP. Do you remember? All the Americans picking on the bloke from BP about that oil slick. It seems unfair, doesn't it, given that America is the largest consumer of oil per head in the world and they seemed annoyed with the bloke from BP for merely trying to provide them with the oil that they craved. Americans, picking on the bloke from BP. It's ridiculous. It's like a furious customer punching a prostitute in the face because he's sickened by his own desire.
My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.
I'll say this about the war protesters: At least most of them are only putting duct tape across their mouths so I can still tell the rest of them to blow it out their ass.
Cleavage season just about over. I'm gonna miss it. 'Cause cleavage, when it first pops out, like late February/early March, it's almost like Groundhog Day. It's like, 'Ah, it's gonna be an early spring.'
Imagine if the headless horseman had a headless horse. That would be chaos. I would think that if you were the headless horseman's horse, you would be very confused. "I don't think this dude can see."
That's the first thing they teach you in bowling, by the way. Don't press the ball against your nose. The other one is don't lick the pins.
Always do business as if the person you're doing business with is trying to screw you, because he probably is. And if he's not, you can be pleasantly surprised.
A psychiatrist is a fellow who asks you a lot of expensive questions your wife asks for nothing.
In any relationship there are certain doors that should never be opened. The bathroom door, for example.