Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 752

I have a deep and profound mistrust of all politicians.

I get a little heated when I talk about the past. But I wanted to be clear - I'm not mad at anybody - not anymore.

I love golf. I think Tiger Woods should open up a black golf club. You know, we go to white golf courses and they’re always yelling “Four!” You go to a black golf club, it be “Fo!”

A new father quickly learns that his child invariably comes to the bathroom at precisely the times when he's in there, as if he needed company. The only way for this father to be certain of bathroom privacy is to shave at the gas station.

If the victories we create in our heads were let loose on reality, the world we know would drown in blazing happiness.

I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita.

Fall in love with what you do for a living. I don't care what it is. It works.

I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team.

Whether it means having a show, or a movie, or just being on a stage, I need an avenue to say what I have to say.

I believe that there is an equality to all humanity: We all suck.

A lot of people say to me, “Why did you kill Christ?” I dunno… it was one of those parties that got out of hand.

You are what you are. You don’t choose to be gay or straight. I don’t choose to be attracted to women, it sucks. I lose half my shit every ten years and have to start fresh.

When I black out, it's the happiest time of my life.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I once dealt with a prima donna on a movie set. I won't say who, but his first name is a country. A communist country. Run by Fidel Castro.