Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 811

I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris.' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.' Mind you, at least the Eurostar's comfy. It's murder on the Orient Express isn't it?

I love Tinkle, it's really the most fun I've had in years.

I like not to be good at anything, so I keep hopping around.

The motto of my comedy workshop: “If I can’t make you funny, maybe you’re not. Ever think of that?”

I'm so lazy I've got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.

I was born in New York City, but I was raised in New Jersey, part of the great Jewish emigration of 1963.

I knew I was in love. First of all, I was very nauseous.

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.

If I was a freak of nature... Hell yeah I wanna do freak shows! I don't wanna be applying for jobs at the mall.

I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant…because I believe in myself.

If a painting can be forged well enough to fool experts, why is the original so valuable?

A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, "He was a loner." Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with.

If these walls could talk... you'd hear the sound of fat women saying, "Call me."

I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have abandonment issues".

And I think that if God did exist, he had many children. I think Jesus proves this. Jesus must be the seventh son of God. A-sus, B-sus, C-sus, D-sus, E-sus, F-sus, G-sus. That's just logic. That's just mathematical. And T-sus would always be fucking about. And P-sus does deliveries. C-sus started the Roman Empire. Cae-sus. F-sus, City in Turkey. B-sus was covered in something. Some people applauding there; other people going, "What?" ... B-sus was covered in bees.