Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 811

Dinah Shore? Wonderful woman. Dinah formed a foundation to locate missing senior citizens by putting their pictures on prune juice bottles.

So my mum bought a jacuzzi, and I was in there along with my father and my sister, when my mother decided it would be the ideal moment to say – ‘Guess what everyone in this jacuzzi has in common? You’ve all sucked on my tits.’

If acting was hard for me, I wouldn`t do it, it is something that I like to do.

If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?

There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.

I've had a pilot every single year that didn't sell for the past four years, that'll smack you in the back of the head. I had a really good one last year; I wouldn't have done the play in New York if I had gotten that one.

I believe in eight of the ten commandments; and I believe in going to church every Sunday unless there's a game on.

There's a woman I see who's not my therapist, but she's like an old friend who's a therapist in profession. She lets me talk to her like a therapist once in a while, and she does a great thing. Whenever I have a big dilemma, like this is a big problem in my life, she always says, 'Wow, you're going to have to figure that out.'

Burt Reynolds, great sex symbol of the movies, who said, "I owe it all to one great part." Never got a dinner!

There's nothing to fear but life itself.

I think I've drawn from some of the most feminine women, like Jackie Kennedy. I am totally devastated that she's gone. She had it all.

Girls get more attached when they orgasm, so I make sure not to let that happen.

I'm not a big method actor. I'm much more superficial.

If you don't have the right people around you and you're moving at a million miles an hour you can lose yourself.

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, 'Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe.'