Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 811

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

I don't think men talk as much as women, but when we have something on our minds we'll get it out.

Your chances of getting hit by lighting go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say "Storms suck!"

Vodka! That's a child's drink, why am I drinking this stupid drink, oh and why am I on a traffic island?

I'm just looking for a little mystery in life... like things you can't explain. Like, you go to Mexico, they tell you don't drink the water. You go to any diner here, who brings you the water? It's a mystery.

I also like a great Caesar salad with anchovies, although I don't know why some places say 'with anchovies.' If you're making a proper Caesar salad, it's going to have anchovies.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

I have jokes I've told before and will tell again, but my favorite part of the night is talking to the crowd.

Young people are gross with their faces and their hope.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.

I know what you're thinking: yet another late night talk show host accusing Neil Sedaka of being a war criminal.

If someone sprays windex in your food it can give you diarrhea. But once you wipe it off your windows, you're fine.

As long as one person lives in darkness then it seems to be a responsibility to tell other people.

Come on, let's sing one of the old tunes. "When you're sliding into home and your pants are full of foam, Diarrhea."

Night to night, doing the clubs is a lot of fun too because you have a lot more freedom and you don't have to worry about swearing or going off the script or going long or going short. If you bomb, only a handful of people see it. On TV, a lot of people see it.