Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 811
Night to night, doing the clubs is a lot of fun too because you have a lot more freedom and you don't have to worry about swearing or going off the script or going long or going short. If you bomb, only a handful of people see it. On TV, a lot of people see it.
There’s nothing more awkward than going to the first birthday party of a little girl when you told her mom to get rid of her. Because the kid can tell. “Here’s Tickle Me Elmo!” She’s like, “Fuck you!” I stand by my decision.
Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
I'm always amazed when I hear people saying; "That George Bush, he's a great leader". And I wonder, where can one find a drug that would make one so delusional?
Apparently, one in five people in the world are Chinese. And there are five people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother, Colin. Or my younger brother, Ho-Chan-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
I grew up in New York wanting to be like those funny men in the movies and on the radio.
I’ve lived in Manchester since my 20s and I’ve only been in three fights –not a bad average.
She'll take 3-5 steps, always 3-5 then she'll turn and just over her shoulder say, "well your dumb like your father."
You take a normal guy, give him a wife, give them time, and you've got an idiot.
I wish I had that carefree lifestyle. But I guess I'm more private, and more inside.
We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.
Why do some people think aquariums are cruel? The fish love it there! They told me. The said, “Truthfully Rich, it's fucking awesome. There's no predators. No nets, no pollution. It's like the ocean without all the bullshit.”