Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 812

If you close your eyes, you could just as well imagine me to be vintage Ali MacGraw, circa 1968.

Two wrongs may not make a right, but a thousand wrongs make a writer.

Think of me as an impetuous Hegel, drunk with power, and also, regular drunk.

People say I've changed and I tell em that I'm glad 'cause I don't wanna stay the same.

Have you ever had a cookie? Then you won't get any here either.

I love anything that gets me outside of my own head.

If you’re dating someone that says they’ve “got their priorities in order” that’s code for, “I’m spiraling out of control.”

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

TV is easier: it's all planned out for you and the audience is there to see a show and they are all pumped up but when you are in a comedy club, you have to be really funny to win them over.

I remember one date I had, we ran into some guy she knew and she introduced us. She said, 'Steve, this is Rodney. Rodney, this is goodbye.'

I have a hot wife, I know that, because every guy that meets her, when she leaves the room, turns to me and goes "Dude, man, if you die... I'm gonna be all over that!" "Thanks, dad."

I don't think men talk as much as women, but when we have something on our minds we'll get it out.

All the proper bands from then, when we were kids, yeah? The Rubettes and Mud and Chicory Tip. Yeah. Not like the bands they have now, stupid, modern bands all made out of wire and electricity. The proper old bands. You'd buy the singles, wouldn't you? The old singles they used to have in the old days. The proper ones. Very nostalgic feelings towards Woolworths. The pick 'n' mix. Remember the pick 'n' mix in Woolworths? All the sweets individually wrapped. Proper, old-fashioned sweets, yeah? Not like the sweets they have now, all with knives in them and AIDS

You go and you buy a lottery ticket. You've got just as much chance of getting struck by lightning as you do of winning the lottery.

[about the contents of a brochure from the American Heart Association regarding the resumption of sexual activity following a heart attack] Caution: Anal intercourse may lead to irregular heart rhythms. Yeah, you know I'm never gonna have to worry about that. Because God gave me a second lease on life and I'm not gonna press my luck and take it up the ass.