Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 812
Night to night, doing the clubs is a lot of fun too because you have a lot more freedom and you don't have to worry about swearing or going off the script or going long or going short. If you bomb, only a handful of people see it. On TV, a lot of people see it.
Whenever someone says they believe the earth was created in 7 days, I grab a fossil and say, "Fossil." And if they keep talking, I throw it just over their heads.
You take a normal guy, give him a wife, give them time, and you've got an idiot.
People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.
The Devil: Okay, are there any questions? Yes? No, I'm afraid we don't have any toilets. If had read your bible, you might have seen it was damnation WITHOUT relief.
It's great to tell people you have your own show, but that's where the fun stops.
The things that make me angry still make me angry. George Carlin is 67, and he's still as funny as he's ever been, and he's still angry. And that makes me feel good, because I feel like if I stick around long enough, I'll still be able to work.
We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.
Our attention span is shot. We've all got Attention Deficit Disorder or ADD or OCD or one of these disorders with three letters because we don't have the time or patience to pronounce the entire disorder. That should be a disorder right there, TBD - Too Busy Disorder.
There are a couple hard things. One, getting a funny idea that people can relate to; a funny idea or a funny script; there's a million pitches.
So my mum bought a jacuzzi, and I was in there along with my father and my sister, when my mother decided it would be the ideal moment to say – ‘Guess what everyone in this jacuzzi has in common? You’ve all sucked on my tits.’
The internet, it’s destroyed porn hasn’t it, it’s so depressing if you’re a teenage boy now because you can type in ‘tit’ and you’ve got every image under the sun. When I was a kid the only way you found porn was when it magically arrived in the woods. What a moment that was in your youth!