Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 812
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
Struggling is hard because you never know what's at the end of the tunnel.
My dad's all I've ever had. When I was 3 and 4, my mom used to take me to bars. I understand why now - babysitters cost beer, beer and-a-half an hour.
People go like 'Jews are cheap' *indian accent* No, that is very incorrect, I AM cheap. Jews are thrifty. BIGGGGG difference!
A lot of people think my sarcasm comes from insecurity and defensiveness, but I assure you I'm just being petty and cruel.
I'm a hypochondriac. Backstage, I don't sign autographs - I signed a valium for some woman.
I get some acting jobs. I like it other than the constant slipping in and out of character.
I’m on a show called Wizards of Wavery Place, and I like it, but I’m unable to convince my Tivo that I wouldn’t also like iCarly.
You know, be able to do something great in your life, you're gonna have to realize your failures. You're gonna have to embrace them and figure out how to overcome it.
Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard.
Elizabeth Taylor, who recently built a halfway house for girls who don't want to go all the way. Never got a dinner!
The camera adds ten pounds. Why? What, we don't have the technology to remedy that one little thing? We can have fucking Forrest Gump cohorting with John F. Kennedy, and we can't just fix that one little thing, the ten pound variant on a lens... You can actually levitate now when you watch a movie about flying, but they just don't have the technology for that ten pound margin of error.
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'
I was doing a show a couple of weeks ago and I was talking to a girl in the front row. I asked her her name. She said, “It’s Patacka.”