Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 812
I was in my friends garage, and he had; a kite, a yo-yo, and a boomerang. I was like "Dude, you have abandonment issues".
And I think that if God did exist, he had many children. I think Jesus proves this. Jesus must be the seventh son of God. A-sus, B-sus, C-sus, D-sus, E-sus, F-sus, G-sus. That's just logic. That's just mathematical. And T-sus would always be fucking about. And P-sus does deliveries. C-sus started the Roman Empire. Cae-sus. F-sus, City in Turkey. B-sus was covered in something. Some people applauding there; other people going, "What?" ... B-sus was covered in bees.
Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.
I'm a hypochondriac. Backstage, I don't sign autographs - I signed a valium for some woman.
God just seems very man-made to me. There are so many theories, and not everyone can be right. It's human nature to need a religious crutch, and I don't begrudge anyone that. I just don't need one.
I felt in a lot of instances I was deliberately being put through stress because when you're a guy who generates money, people have a vested interested in controlling you.
Do people who believe in reincarnation ever say, "Darn, I'm still writing the year 1612 on my checks!"
Don't bother me while I'm eating, or when I'm coming out of the crackhouse or something. Just let me get going.
Let me tell you what really happened... Every night before I go to bed, I have milk and cookies. One night I mixed some low-fat milk and some pasteurized, then I dipped my cookie in and the shit blew up.
I can't just say the words, do a lot of one-liners. I love each person I play; I have to be that person. I have to do him true.
I listened to Jack Benny on the radio last night, he was so funny I dropped my pad and pencil.
The University of Nebraska says that elderly people that drink beer or wine at least four times a week have the highest bone density. They need it - they're the ones falling down the most.
Remember when I met you on the high seas Cynthia how coy you were. You tried to get away from me and what a fight you put up. You bent four of my harpoons.