Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 810

I hate it when you really think you're getting something good... and you don't listen to your dudes when you really should.

Who needs sleep? I laugh in the face of sleep!

My horoscope was so depressing today, it included a list of poisons.

Have you ever done a black guy? Do it. It’s worth the screwed-up credit. I’m telling you. You may never buy a new car again but every night you get a SUV right in the hoo ha.

You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it.

I don't blame my parents for my dysfunctions... I blame their parents.

If you’re dating someone that says they’ve “got their priorities in order” that’s code for, “I’m spiraling out of control.”

I would like to play Pebble Beach at some point. I keep waiting for them to call and ask me to that little pro-am thing, but I'm not big enough.

If you could use the Internet somehow to see how a Fiji sailor is doing, rather than having to read a text version of it somewhere a day later, that would be great.

We do not allow dwarf tossing. If you toss a dwarf, the dwarf will be tossed right back at you, but faster.

Why should you feel honored for getting scraps of his time?

I got really lost last year. But I can’t be lonely though. Cause we’re all stuck here. I wanted to make something that says no matter how bad you fuck up, or mistakes you’ve made during the year, your life, your eternity. You’re always allowed to be better. You’re always allowed to grow up. If you want.

Nobody ever says, "Can I have your beets?"

I bought a new Japanese car. I turned on the radio... I don't understand a word they're saying.

Karaoke isn't fair when you're a comedian. The whole idea is to get people laughing and enjoying themselves, and I'm a professional funny guy.