Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 810

The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup.

Does anybody believe your health is more important than money? I don’t see too many beautiful women going, “Gee, should I blow Bob in the Porsche or Dave with low cholestol?”

I'm the luckiest unlucky person.

There are really only so many foods and so many ways you can prepare them.

Come on, let's sing one of the old tunes. "When you're sliding into home and your pants are full of foam, Diarrhea."

[referring to his mother-in-law's maxi-pads which he claims are as thick as travel pillows.] I told her, "If you have this much flow, you don't need a pad, you need stitches."

I saw hamlet at the Globe Theater. Notice I didn't say I heard it. Some asshole with a whooping cough was right behind me. Hey lung chunks, if you're sick, stay the fuck home!

I had a gig in Maidstone very early on. The venue doesn’t exist anymore – hopefully it burnt down. One doesn’t like to generalise but, well, they were all sub-human.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

We've made pretty good progress. We're the type of offense where when we need to score in crucial situations, we're going to put points on the board.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

Now let's fight for three days because I'm bored!

I saw this train driver and said, 'I wanna go to Paris.' He said, 'Eurostar?' I said, 'Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin.' Mind you, at least the Eurostar's comfy. It's murder on the Orient Express isn't it?

I love Tinkle, it's really the most fun I've had in years.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'