Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 810

Bridge is a game that separates the men from the boys. It also separates husbands and wives.

They shouldn’t call anything a boot camp unless you’re going off to war. Standup boot camp has been a fantastic thing, for the people putting it on. They keep you out in the woods and won’t let you come back until you’re funny. Lenny Bruce came up with his Religions Inc. bit on a day hike.

I was married by a judge - I should have asked for a jury.

People don't get me. I'm not miserable or depressed, I'm just anxious and occasionally agitated.

There are some people that will not pick up a phone and call you, but if you knock on a door and talk to them, they'll talk back to you.

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."

Everyone has these two visions when they hold their child for the first time. The first is your child as an adult saying "I want to thank the Nobel Committee for this award." The other is "You want fries with that?"

I'll walk up to a woman, I'll say the first thing that comes to mind: 'Hey, you hungry?'

John and I were gay together once... Wait, that's not true. He was gay and I just laid there. Thank you, John, for giving me your heiny last night.

Remember when I met you on the high seas Cynthia how coy you were. You tried to get away from me and what a fight you put up. You bent four of my harpoons.

The only thing wrong with me was that I was a weirdo that hated school. I’m sure now there’d be a disorder for it, but I was just an oddball.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

I don't think men talk as much as women, but when we have something on our minds we'll get it out.

New York is an exciting town where something is happening all the time, most unsolved.

Your chances of getting hit by lighting go up if you stand under a tree, shake your fist at the sky, and say "Storms suck!"