Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 831
The University of Nebraska says that elderly people that drink beer or wine at least four times a week have the highest bone density. They need it - they're the ones falling down the most.
You can't claim you're for peace if you're not willing to disturb it.
I have a map of the United States, life size. 1 mile equals 1 mile. It's a bitch to fold it.
The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.
The right-wing papers in Britain, they loved it because they could sell all the newspapers. "You frenchy, froggy, froggy, frenchy. Our lovely beefy. You frenchy, froggy, frenchy". This was a Times editorial piece.
I'm not a great joke writer, which is odd for a comic to say, but I'm not.
I did a gig in the US once for the homeless. I said "It's nice to see so many bums on seats".
The L. A. Times is reporting that Britney Spears' album Blackout will be number one on the Billboard charts. Not to toot my horn, but I predicted this on my show a week ago. No one wanted to believe me - even I didn't want to believe me, but now I know how Nostradamus feels.
I got really lost last year. But I can’t be lonely though. Cause we’re all stuck here. I wanted to make something that says no matter how bad you fuck up, or mistakes you’ve made during the year, your life, your eternity. You’re always allowed to be better. You’re always allowed to grow up. If you want.
I'm just looking for a little mystery in life... like things you can't explain. Like, you go to Mexico, they tell you don't drink the water. You go to any diner here, who brings you the water? It's a mystery.
When you're coming out, you have to deal with the whole world saying 'Oh! You're an abominable snowman'.
St. Patrick's Day is what Christmas would be like if Jesus had been killed by a car bomb.
The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.
Bush, Kerry and Nader -- those were the the choices. Although Nader -- you know when you take a multiple choice exam, and they tell you to immediately rule out one choice 'cause it's crazy? -- that's Nader. It's like, 'The square root of 342 is a) 32, b) 18, c) chocolate.' Well, I know it's not chocolate -- that's Nader.