Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 831
Do you think when Arabs give their kids toy cars, they say “you can only use this once.”?
My buddy Tom... he'd been chasing a girl for two years, and he got her the old-fashioned way - dates and listening.
If you don't drink 56 bottles of water a week, scientists say you should take a garden hose at the end of the week and shove it up your ass.
[welcoming people to Hell]<br /> The French, are you here? If you'd just like to come down here with the Germans, I'm sure you'll have plenty to talk about.
We are now the proud owners of a white boy. Now we have to shop in the caucasian isle and get sunscreen, mayonaise and mild salsa because the other ones really hawt!
Men only go for skinny women because they're too weak to argue - and salads are cheap.
Shows should just be able to be shows without hyphenating their lead characters.
Don't confuse me with those who cling to hope. I enjoy describing how things are, I have no interest in how they "ought to be". And I certainly have no interest in fixing them. I sincerely believe that if you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem. My motto: Fuck Hope!
The internet, it’s destroyed porn hasn’t it, it’s so depressing if you’re a teenage boy now because you can type in ‘tit’ and you’ve got every image under the sun. When I was a kid the only way you found porn was when it magically arrived in the woods. What a moment that was in your youth!
I found our cat the other day. I would have found him a week ago, but we have a grass bag on our lawnmower.
If a piece requires some specific inflection, I'll record it. I take a lot of notes, and later categorize them, combining them alongside existing ideas, and eventually put a piece together.
"I am not just another notch on your belt?" she asked him. "Of course not." he said as he put a mark on the chalkboard.
Every comedian has a moment in his life when he realizes he's a little bit different from everyone else. It's like being the only guy in a movie who sees the ghost. The ghost talks to you and you talk to him. Then you turn to your friend and say, "Hey. Do you see that ghost?" And he says, "What ghost?"