Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 831
Know why it takes so many sperm to fetrtilize one egg - cause none of those fuckers will ask for directions.
The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.
I've been married for 10 years and, you know, it's hard, you spruce it up and you go places. How do you spruce up anything? Artificially. You go places and do things.
ACORN is organizing to make sure the job of rebuilding New Orleans is done by the people of New Orleans and truly benefits the communities who have been hurt the most.
There was a man sitting in the dining room of the Titanic, he said: "I know I asked for ice, but this is ridiculous."
It's stressful being a hypochondriach. In my home I have a walk-in medicine chest.
I just went home to Illinois, and I asked my family, ‘Are you guys planning on talking in those accents the whole time I’m home?’ And my mother said, ‘You used to talk like that, too, Tasha.’ And I said, ‘Yes, but you see, I’ve reinvented myself. Do you have any idea who I think I am?’
Moses, who said to the children of Israel, "Wear your galoshes; I never did this trick before." Never got a dinner!
My first car was a 1977 Oldsmobile Delta 88. Ugly car. More ugly on this car than a Rolling Stones group photo.
Flash Gordon, who said, "No, that’s not how I got my name." Never got a dinner!
I’ve never laughed a woman into bed, but I’ve laughed one out of bed many times.
"I am not just another notch on your belt?" she asked him. "Of course not." he said as he put a mark on the chalkboard.