Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 831
A comedian is simply a different kind of therapist. A comedian is a psychologist and a psychiatrist rolled into one. Except I can't prescribe medicine. You still need a doctorate, which is bullshit. Okay, so I'm not like a psychiatrist. Fine. But I'm still like a psychologist, except I can't diagnose or treat mental illness.
Alex Hailey, who traced his roots all the way to the back of the bus. Never got a dinner!
God lets you be successful because he trusts you that you will do the right thing with it. Now, does he get disappointed often? All the time, because people get there and they forget how they got it.
When you're first starting out, you want to keep making good movies. When you're young and you're black, you do a bad movie and you're through.
I think those neighborhood signs that say 'slow children playing' are mean.
How come there’s no self-effacing rappers? “Had to go to Goodwill to get this jacket/ that’s ‘cause I’m in a low-income tax bracket.”
You young guys are going, “I’m never going to get married.” That’s what I thought. But how many times can you go home, watch SportsCenter, order a pizza, and jerkoff before that gets boring. I’ll tell you how many times: 11,556.
Hanging out with a baby is like hanging out with a really, really small… really, really hammered person all the time. That’s really all a baby is. Just the smallest drunkest person that you ever seen in your life. I found myself talking to my sister’s baby the same way I do a buddy at the end of a Saturday night. It’s the same conversation. It’s just me standing over him going, “What’s wrong dude? Why you crying?”
And the French! The French have a bomb too! Maybe they have the Michelin Bomb- ah! Only destroys restaurants under four stars! They are the one of the only people that still test their bombs! Where do they do it? In the Sahara, in the total wasteland? No, fuck off! In Tahiti! In paradise. Why? Because we're French. Oh, look, a Greenpeace boat coming to protest- fuck off, I sink you.
When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
Fame is being asked to sign your autograph on the back of a cigarette packet.
We've made pretty good progress. We're the type of offense where when we need to score in crucial situations, we're going to put points on the board.