Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 830

You treat a disease, you win, you lose. You treat a person, I'll guarantee you'll win.

We came, we saw, we sucked.

Beethoven was so hard of hearing, he thought he was a painter.

The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.

How come there’s no self-effacing rappers? “Had to go to Goodwill to get this jacket/ that’s ‘cause I’m in a low-income tax bracket.”

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.

If I were to say that I grew up in East Los Angeles in the projects poor, I assumed that everybody understood that it came with its own reasons for being the way I am. I didn’t get that people needed to understand where my comedy came from; I thought that they knew that. Now I tell people.

I think everything contributes to your creativity.

I don't know what people have against Jimmy Carter. He's done nothing.

My act is sort of improvisational. I have a skeleton in my head, but no fat or skin on it.

Excuse me, officer, but would you mind bringing the wreckage a little closer this way? My wife can't see.

A lot of these kids I think are more content just to be on Facebook and the computer than they are to actually go out. They just really want to get a picture to post to their buddies, and that's about it.

A luxury meal was prairie sandwiches – two slices of bread with wide-open spaces between them.

Ultimately, it is in fun. It is supposed to be highly entertaining.

You might be a redneck if your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.