Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 830
You would play house, you would fake vacuum. Fake vacuum with your friends, that was awesome. It's great because when I see my wife vacuum now I'm like, 'She is living her childhood dream.'
Jack the Ripper’s mother, who said to Jack, "How come I never see you with the same girl twice? " Never got a dinner!
I freely admit I'm confused. I'm a confused and troubled individual but at the same time... It's free!
But you get past that and realize you have to let go of what you think you want. There'll be plenty of time for that later. Right now, go and be with that baby. Just play with this beautiful little boy.
Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog...
I'm very impatient, so I was like, 'I want to be able to do whatever I want now.' But even the biggest stars - you look back and they weren't overnight.
There was a lot of stuff where we were doing scenes and we would bust out laughing - more on this movie than ever, where you can't finish scenes. I hope we didn't mess up the movie.
Dress simply. If you wear a dinner jacket, don't wear anything else on it... like lunch or dinner.
I don't have to worry about writing jokes. I just tell stories about things that have happened to me. As long as I'm alive and I'm living and I'm experiencing different things every day, the show will always change.
King Solomon, who said to his thousand wives, "For better service, take a number." Never got a dinner!
My brother Darryl, he's the manager and I'm like this is going to be awesome because my bro, manager, is going to hook me up, he was a dick! He thought he was the Burger King, you know what I'm saying? He would put me on drive through every single night. Why do people insist on yelling at the drive through?