Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 830

Dear Momma - Wherever you are, if ever you hear the word 'nigger' again, remember they are advertising my book.

First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down.

You might be a redneck if you keep a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach your kids in the back seat of the car.

Make a sex tape, upload it, get on a reality show, release a perfume, retire. That’s the new American dream.

Why are a "wise man" and a "wiseguy" opposites?

You're really spread out now, you've got stuff all over the world! You've got stuff at home, stuff in storage, stuff in Honolulu, stuff in Maui, stuff in your pockets... supply lines are getting longer and harder to maintain.

There’s such a buildup of crud in my oven, there’s only room to bake a single cupcake.

Judah Friedlander, I’m ok with you being the world champion for a few years more. That’s a hook with legs. But I think he should make one more hat, that says ‘there’s a limit to how funny words on a hat can be’. And then move to a chapeau.

If love were a drug people would be like, "Yo… stay away from that shit."

"I'm blind, bald, and pale. I'm like a gigantic recessive gene."

I think if you try to tailor your act to anybody, you end up with an act that doesn't work anyway.

I just filled out my income tax forms. Who says you can't get killed by a blank?

I used to think it was corny to be in love but actually it's corny to lose an awesome woman! Real talk.

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?