Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 830
The church has historically been very slow to embrace technology. Until very recently, their idea of a laptop was an altar boy.
The self-prepared dinner is a great time killer for lonely people and as much time should be spent on it as possible.
Here's something else to think about: calling when you say you're going to is the very first brick in the house you are building of love and trust. If he can't lay this one stupid brick down, you ain't never gonna have a house baby, and it's cold outside.
The entire spring and summer line from Marc Jacobs was stolen on the way to the fashion show in Paris. The thief is considered armed and fabulous.
If I'm really considering doing film from now on then that is the smart thing to do, or you can go either way. You can just do the same character over and over again and make a different comedy like over and over again.
You know how some people have gay-dar? I have fat-dar. I can automatically tell if you're fat or not. And I also have cerebral-palsy-dar.
Rappers when they get their awards they always credit God. “I’d like to thank Jesus Christ. Jehovah God Almighty. For my number one hit single. It’s called ‘Suck My Mama.’”
If I'm out to dinner with a group of friends, and somebody offers to pay for the check, I immediately reach for my wallet. Inside is a note that says, "Say thanks!"
One of the great mistakes that can be made by a man of my age is to get involved in athletic competition with children - unless, of course, they are under six. And even then, stay away from hide-and-seek.
[talking about how the relationship changes after marriage] You know, you'll spend some time together, then you tell her, "You know, you're fun! I like you! You're fun! We have fun together! Let's get married!" So you get married, then after a little while fun starts packin' its shit! And you go, "Where ya' goin', fun?" And she goes, "Oh, nowhere. Just gettin' some stuff together." And then one day, Fun says "Fuck it!" and takes off! And you go, "Come back, Fun!" And she says, "Fuck you married guy!"
Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.
Do you think when Arabs give their kids toy cars, they say “you can only use this once.”?
My buddy Tom... he'd been chasing a girl for two years, and he got her the old-fashioned way - dates and listening.