Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 847
I come from a family of musicians. Even the sewing machine is a Singer.
The real reason your pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing at you.
Iraq now says that it will, after all, destroy its missiles. President Bush said, "Please, I used to pull the same trick. There'd be an intervention, I'd make a big show of pouring out the liquor and then there was a case under the floorboards."
I actually wrote a speech. Normally I do bullet points and run-on sentences.
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
Way back in the day, like in the 1990s, if you wanted to tell everyone you ate waffles for breakfast, you couldn’t just go on the internet and tweet it out. There was only one way to do it. You had to go outside and scream at the top of your lungs, 'I ate waffles for breakfast!' That’s why so many people ended up in institutions. They seemed crazy, but when you think about it, they were just ahead of their time.
As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they'll probably go with a different body.
I was walking around downtown the other day and I saw Angela Lansbury in an antique store… She was $800.
I watched Anderson Cooper 360 for a year before I realized that the second hour was a repeat of the first. I just thought his reporting seemed familiar.
It's more important to put pressure in your tires than on yourself.
When I'm on stage, I get real happy there. Maybe that's the only time in my adult life I feel like myself.
[during a bit about dogs]<br /> That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men
What has gotten into you lately? Save a little craziness for menopause!