Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 847

I liked Amsterdam. I spent $2,000 window shopping.

Right now we're teaching them that the game is fun. If they learn it's fun, they always go back to it again in clinics and in schools.

George W. Bush says he spends sixty to ninety minutes a day working out. He says he works out because it clears his mind. Sometimes just a little too much.

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?

I heard Dennis Kucinich say in a debate, 'When I'm president...' and I just wanted to stop him and say, 'Dude.'

I'm great in bed when I'm alone.

My mate asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?? I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."

If you have more fish on your wall than pictures, you might be a redneck.

I was not an attractive child.

My wife is a light eater - as soon as it's light, she starts to eat.

Because I'm the only performer who comes out and says I've had plastic surgery, I've become the plastic surgery poster girl, which is hilarious, because everybody has done it and they all deny it. They stand there, like the Bride of Frankenstein, they've all got stitches, and they all say, 'I've done nothing.' I talk about it.

I was so hot, I sweated like Mel Gibson at a bar mitzvah!

The most powerful person in your life is the one that knows all your secrets and all your lies.

Whenever people are going through a struggle in life, they get really cliche. They say stuff like,  “I’m taking it one day at a time. Just taking it one day at a time.” You know who else is? Everybody. ‘Cause that’s how time works.

If I waited for you to teach Lee (Mack) to speak properly we’d be here all night.