Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 847
It's so nice to share a day as beautiful as this one with hundreds of thousands of reckless drivers.
My father worked at the Naval Ordnance Lab, and they had a nine-hole course on the property. You paid a quarter.
I guess I wouldn't believe in anything anymore if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch.
It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
I don't know if you've noticed, but our two-party system is a bowl of shit looking at itself in the mirror.
When a bird gets sucked into an engine they call it "bird strike". It's not bird strike, it's "engine suck"!
If you live far away from a person you no longer want to date just let them know that they are "geographically undesirable."
Vodka! That's a child's drink, why am I drinking this stupid drink, oh and why am I on a traffic island?
Last week I got a flu that I caught, 'cause my daughter coughed … into my mouth.
I also like a great Caesar salad with anchovies, although I don't know why some places say 'with anchovies.' If you're making a proper Caesar salad, it's going to have anchovies.
The hardest diet I was ever on was the one when I was fat. You can only wear fat clothes, you dont feel good, your sex life gets damaged, you dont have energy for anything. Its horrible.