Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 846
I just got reacquainted with my daddy after 30 years. He came back into my life after 30 years. Ain't that some shit? It's nice. You can laugh if you want to. It ain't like he was lost at sea or nothing.
We want the same effect as if someone's house burned here. We want to give them a normal life as soon as possible.
A Polish man bought a zebra for a pet. What does he call the zebra? Spot!
I don't have to worry about writing jokes. I just tell stories about things that have happened to me. As long as I'm alive and I'm living and I'm experiencing different things every day, the show will always change.
A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
It's more important to put pressure in your tires than on yourself.
This city has so many beautiful women. I fall in love like every ten minutes, I'm sitting on the subway, I'm like, "There's my wife...there she is - oh, she's getting off. All right, there's the woman - all right, that's a man."
My hell is going to be the stairmaster wing of Dante's inferno, where they're gonna tape my feet to the pedals and the only music I get is Michael Bolton karaoke style.
You might be a redneck if your anniversary present was getting the septic tank pumped.
Having sex is like bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.
In ancient times they sacrificed the virgins. Men were not about to sacrifice the sluts!
Catholicism still has the fire and brimstone "boom boom boom boom 'Row you bastards!'"
So I go to this spa, and it was weird. They had pillows all over the floor, Zamfir music playing, water flowing over rocks, supposed to relax you. Made me have to go pee! Then she starts rubbing my butt! Yeah! All I could think was “Don’t fart!” Yeah, you’ve thought about it, haven’t you! ‘Cause when you’re standing up and you’ve got gas, you can clench it in. When someone’s rubbing your butt cheeks east and west, you’re bound to let one of those icky dog farts squirt out.