Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 846

In comic strips, the person on the left always speaks first.

God lets you be successful because he trusts you that you will do the right thing with it. Now, does he get disappointed often? All the time, because people get there and they forget how they got it.

Actually, my cd was released in 1985, in return for two German missionaries and a Dutch urologist.

There are few takers for the quiet heart.

Everyone knows that Jews control the media and banks and stuff. But did you know that when you go to a carnival and you have to be a certain height to go on a ride, Jews control that height? It has nothing to do with safety. It’s just us flexing our Semitic muscles.

Don’t forget to turn your clocks back today if you don’t want your clocks to be set to the right time.

She had destroyed whatever was between us by making a profound gaffe: She met me.

The "Power of One" is a slogan - not a goal.

When someone close to you dies, move seats.

My friends who have babies can’t do anything. Having a baby is like a DUI from the universe.

You young guys are going, “I’m never going to get married.” That’s what I thought. But how many times can you go home, watch SportsCenter, order a pizza, and jerkoff before that gets boring. I’ll tell you how many times: 11,556.

Until Ace Ventura, no actor had considered talking through his ass.

You might be a redneck if people are scared to touch your wife's bathrobe.

I ruined my hands in the ring ... the referee kept stepping on them.

He was so depressed, he tried to commit suicide by inhaling next to an Armenian.