Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 846

I'm covered in bees!

Way back in the day, like in the 1990s, if you wanted to tell everyone you ate waffles for breakfast, you couldn’t just go on the internet and tweet it out. There was only one way to do it. You had to go outside and scream at the top of your lungs, 'I ate waffles for breakfast!' That’s why so many people ended up in institutions. They seemed crazy, but when you think about it, they were just ahead of their time.

I’m not trying to catch the right formula and do that every night. That’s not fun for me. It’s all about spontaneity.

I would still have old ladies come up to me after the show and pat me on the cheek after I had said all this vulgar stuff. They would be like, 'Oh you're a silly boy - we know you're just playing.'

When you're famous you can't go to Topshop. Even when I disguise myself in a moustache, baseball cap, sunglasses - the full Madonna kit - it doesn't work: my stupid face is too big

You know, be able to do something great in your life, you're gonna have to realize your failures. You're gonna have to embrace them and figure out how to overcome it.

Never hit a woman unless you are a bigger woman.

Men and women belong to different species and communications between them is still in its infancy.

All my wife does is shop - once she was sick for a week, and three stores went under.

That's one of the reasons why we think the U.S. dollar probably should strengthen going into the Fed meeting toward the end of the month.

That's ended, that's over. I want you to meet my pimps. I thought, I'm a show-business ho already, so I might as well be a real ho.

If you close your eyes, you could just as well imagine me to be vintage Ali MacGraw, circa 1968.

I definitely want to be with somebody who doesn't feel lost or in my shadow.

Alex Hailey, who traced his roots all the way to the back of the bus. Never got a dinner!

People come up to us and ask how we knew so much about their own family... I'm talking about people from faraway places, too. I get people from Turkey and Chile coming up to me and saying I wrote about their family.