Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 848
I caught my wife in bed with my best friend the other day. I was crushed. They could have waited till I'd got out.
Another goal that I have is to learn how to play the ukulele -- should be fun -- and to stop taking my clothes off for money. But I need money. That is a ridiculous goal. I'm gonna cross that one off. That's stupid.
I was born by Caesarian section... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
Life is short. Short, and not about anything except what you can touch and what touches you.
So what if your custom car shop tanks and you've gotta take a crappy job at an auto parts store, dealing with ignorant, pushy people. I'm okay with that, 'cause I'm an "ignorant, pushy people" person.
They always ask you dumb questions. 'Do you wanna be fat?' 'Oh yes, yes, I do. I wanna sweat for no reason.' Every time I breathe, they like, 'Why you breathing so hard?' 'So I can live.'
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster is a maniac?
I was 15 years old when I was in this band; we were called Stag. We used to wear spandex pants and no underwear - we looked like marbles smugglers.
Boys have penises and girls have vaginas. If they touch at the wrong time, you can make a baby or die.
My brother then bought 1000 Japanese cameras. They all go, "Crick".
I thought about going to NYU film school - that was this ideal to me. But I didn't make any kind of grades in high school.
A comedian is simply a different kind of therapist. A comedian is a psychologist and a psychiatrist rolled into one. Except I can't prescribe medicine. You still need a doctorate, which is bullshit. Okay, so I'm not like a psychiatrist. Fine. But I'm still like a psychologist, except I can't diagnose or treat mental illness.