Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 848

It's more important to put pressure in your tires than on yourself.

Yeah, well, we're all writers, aren't we? He's a writer that hasn't been published, and I'm a writer who hasn't written anything.

Saw a man in Whole Foods yelling at his son, "What are you doing?! You know I don't eat bread!!" Is there such a thing as health food abuse?

I love anything that gets me outside of my own head.

You can't claim you're for peace if you're not willing to disturb it.

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.

The comedians I liked were Bill Cosby and Steven Wright, like just always as a comedic actor. I always liked Gary Larson, who's really funny for a cartoonist, obviously.

I'm a wiseass and a smartass, and I always have been.

The right-wing papers in Britain, they loved it because they could sell all the newspapers. "You frenchy, froggy, froggy, frenchy. Our lovely beefy. You frenchy, froggy, frenchy". This was a Times editorial piece.

Bill Cosby was the first comedian I was exposed to, because he doesn't curse.

The greatness of a man is only measured by his urologist.

Nobody takes a picture of something they want to forget.

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.

I grew up very self-loathing. I was a phobic. I had anxiety. I had panic attacks.

I live way below my means.