Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 848
It's not about trying to be funny all the time. It's more of a document that hopefully is funny.
Have you heard about the Irishman who reversed into a car boot sale and sold the engine?
I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.
The Devil: And finally, Christians. Christians? Ah yes, I'm sorry. I'm afraid the Jews were right.
I do know its important to keep the romantic spark alive in your marriage. But with four kids, sometimes it’s enough just to keep yourself alive.
I'm a little bit too obsessed with the news. I find the news easier to follow than narrative entertainment programs.
We are now the proud owners of a white boy. Now we have to shop in the caucasian isle and get sunscreen, mayonaise and mild salsa because the other ones really hawt!
You might think that’s an exaggeration but believe me, if you leave twin two-year-olds alone in your living room, at some point a cow will be airborne.
On Sundays, I lay low, sulk a lot, and try to get my head together for next week.
At the request of the Catholic Church, a three-day sex orgy to be held near Rio de Janeiro was cancelled last Friday. So instead I spent the weekend cleaning my apartment
I saw something stupid in the paper today - a new alarm clock that makes no noise. It's for people who don't like loud noises. Instead, it slowly hits you with light and gets brighter and brighter until you wake up. I already have one of those... it's called a window.
And I love to ride my bike, which is great aerobics, but also just a great time for me to think, so it's like this terrific double bill.
I believe that every paper in the country should have one headline that when you read it, you laugh so hard you can't stand it. It has to be that way. What about a headline like this: 'Hippo Eats Dwarf'? How good is that? You read that headline, and you immediately close the paper and say, 'Wow, it's gonna be a great day.'