Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 849
My wife and I were shopping for the whole family. In the music department my wife said, “Let’s get your nephew a set of drums. That’s what your brother did to us last year.”
[on using gym equipment] I always hate having to use the equipment after these huge buff guys who move, like, the entire rack of plates. Then I get on, and move two plates, you know like: CLANK! CLANK! "I'm the two plate guy!" CLANK! CLANK! "Anyone wanna spot me?" CLANK! CLANK!
I'm trying to drop an asshole a day from my life and doing the math I'll be done in the year 3011.
You're 28, why are you going to goth clubs? Do what I do, sit at home & wait to die. You don't have to kill yourself, you're just waiting.
Yeah how bad can it be?<br /> Some people have it worse than me<br /> I could be a child prostitute<br /> Or Gary Glitter’s family
When you stress individualism, as this country does; materialism, as this country does; personal weaponry, as this country does; and racial hatred, which is part of our heritage as white Europeans; and then you add the volatile ingredient of nothing.
Hecklers need to be dealt with. Then walk away and do your shit.
I'm famous for my bottom dances, but you'll only see my bum and willy if you raise a million pounds within an hour.
It's legal for men to be floorwalkers and illegal for women to be streetwalkers.
My lucky number is four billion. That doesn't come in real handy when you're gambling. "Come on, four billion! Darn! Seven. Not even close. I need more dice."
Let me tell you, never before in the history of this planet has anybody made the progress that African-Americans have made in a 30-year period, in spite of many black folks and white folks lying to one another.