Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 849
For me, comedy should have a certain amount of joy in it. It should be about attacking the powerful - the politicians, the Trumps, the blowhards - going after them. We shouldn't be attacking the vulnerable.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the dog's owner - and the distance you are from your car.
Whenever people are going through a struggle in life, they get really cliche. They say stuff like, “I’m taking it one day at a time. Just taking it one day at a time.” You know who else is? Everybody. ‘Cause that’s how time works.
I'm not that promiscuous; she was. I mean, I should have known. I mean, she put a triangle over the bed. Before we made love, which was sad, she went, 'Come and get it.'
If I waited for you to teach Lee (Mack) to speak properly we’d be here all night.
Way back in the day, like in the 1990s, if you wanted to tell everyone you ate waffles for breakfast, you couldn’t just go on the internet and tweet it out. There was only one way to do it. You had to go outside and scream at the top of your lungs, 'I ate waffles for breakfast!' That’s why so many people ended up in institutions. They seemed crazy, but when you think about it, they were just ahead of their time.
As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
I could take my time, and nobody was pressuring me to be a headliner. I could go up there, find my voice, and figure out what I wanted to do.
Parenting is the most important job on the planet next to keeping Gary Busey off the nation's highways.
Life is short. Short, and not about anything except what you can touch and what touches you.
Marriage is just an elaborate game that allows two selfish people to periodically feel that they're not.
I gave my girlfriend something she didn't expect for Valentine's day...Chlamydia.
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.