Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 849

Today my alphabet soup spelled "UGH."

Alone also means available for someone outstanding.

I get an idea about something. I just start thinking about it, and then I get onstage and I talk about it, and then I think about it some more and talk about it some more, and think about it some more and talk about it some more, until it starts to take a shape.

Christian deodorant: "Thou shalt not smell."

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

Each day it's like: 'How many more days am I going to feel young and vibrant? I feel young and vibrant now, but I also feel the aches and pains a little bit.'

Old is always fifteen years from now.

I am bravery. I am courage. I am valor. I am daring. I am holding a thesaurus.

If you’ve got a cat and a leg, you’ve got a happy cat. If you’ve got a cat and two legs, you’ve got a party.

If you live far away from a person you no longer want to date just let them know that they are "geographically undesirable."

I also like a great Caesar salad with anchovies, although I don't know why some places say 'with anchovies.' If you're making a proper Caesar salad, it's going to have anchovies.

Droughts are because God didn’t pay his water bill.

Until Ace Ventura, no actor had considered talking through his ass.

The best comedy, I feel, comes in a drama because it balances each other out.

I went through every phone book in Africa, and I didn't find one goddamned Pryor!