Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 849
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
The material comes from whenever you realize that you and someone else have something in common. So any conversation you've had more than once, anything you see happening to you that you see happening to a friend, you go, "Hmmm, that's a situation I can make funny."
When I did the sitcom I was too naive. I thought, Well, they know what they're talking about, let's do that.
It's not the size of the dog in the fight, it's the size of the dog's owner - and the distance you are from your car.
I’ll never forget my first fur. It was a modest little stole. Modest? People thought I was wearing anchovies.
I was watching MTV and there were girls dancing in suspended cages. That would be an ambivalent situation: "I'm trapped! ...but enjoying the music".
You're really spread out now, you've got stuff all over the world! You've got stuff at home, stuff in storage, stuff in Honolulu, stuff in Maui, stuff in your pockets... supply lines are getting longer and harder to maintain.
Judah Friedlander, I’m ok with you being the world champion for a few years more. That’s a hook with legs. But I think he should make one more hat, that says ‘there’s a limit to how funny words on a hat can be’. And then move to a chapeau.
As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they'll probably go with a different body.
I was walking around downtown the other day and I saw Angela Lansbury in an antique store… She was $800.
If love were a drug people would be like, "Yo… stay away from that shit."