Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 884
I'm big on facial expressions, and I'm big on mannerisms, which I find to be hilarious.
I've good kids, I love my kids. I try to bring them up the right way, not spanking them. I find that I don't have to spank them. I find that waving the gun around pretty much gets the same job done!
After I quit drinking, I realized I am the same asshole I always was; I just have fewer dents in my car.
Our mistakes from the past are just that: mistakes. And they were necessary to make in order to become the wiser person we became.
When I'm 70 I might be a man in a park just wandering around, speaking in tongues with kids throwing bread at me.
[responding to scattered audience applause] Ah, lovely: the ripple, the ripple there. That's nearly the Zen clap of acceptance there, wasn't it?
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time... I know where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
Denial is a powerful weapon. My dad taught me mind over matter. No matter how hurt I got, he didn't mind.
And now, I'm pleased to introduce the star of the film Gladiator, and a man I like to call a close, personal friend, but he told me not to...
90% of every art form is garbage - dance and stand-up, painting and music. Focus on the 10% that's good, suck it up, and drive on.
I have some shorter stories coming out in other books early next year. I might be pitching a re-vamp of Ghost Rider in the spring. We'll see.
This woman woke up to see me and John Stamos banging on her windows. She must have thought she died and went to sitcom hell.
She tried to get even with him through psychological warfare but couldn't, because he didn't care.