Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 884

I have no stories to sell. A lot of my relationships are with civilians, and no one wants to hear about those.

We started to see less and less of each other. And that’s when I knew it was quicksand.

I'm sitting, waiting to get on the freeway, and I'm waiting my ass off. I look over at the side of the road, and there's a hitchhiker with a sign and it says, 'Pick me up, and you can drive in the carpool lane.' I got to tell you, he was kind of smelly, but he was a good conversationalist.

I'm still here. I knocked off another competitor.

There are those wonderful moments of clarity in life when one is reminded how irreparably flawed we humans are. Once, when I was nineteen, on the subway in Boston I lost my balance slightly and bumped into an elderly woman. I quickly apologized and she replied, "Well, hold on to something, stupid." There it is. That's it. That's it in a nutshell. I don't want to sound negative, but I think every fetus should be shown a film of that incident, maybe projected up on the uterine wall, and then asked if it wants to come out. I am a strong believer in a woman's right to choose, but I also think that in the last trimester, the kid should be given every opportunity to back out.

In America, with all of its evils and faults, you can still reach through the forest and see the sun. But we don't know yet whether that sun is rising or setting for our country.

I never thought that intolerance would be patriotic.

The whole idea of re-releasing old movies does bother me a little bit. If they're going to re-release an old movie, I should be able to get in with my old ticket.

As I was leaving this morning, I said to myself 'the last thing you must do is forget your speech.' And sure enough, as I left the house this morning, the last thing I did was to forget my speech.

Whenever you take over something that is popular and has a fanatical following that loves it, you're never going to please everyone. The trick is to have enough wherewithal to follow through with what you want to do with it and give it time to evolve.

I always look skint. When I buy a Big Issue, people take it out of my hand and give me a pound.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

My shrink gives me 75 per cent off if I make believe I'm someone else.

Sometimes I see a bird fly by and I feel jealous. But then other times I see a bird fly into a closed window and I feel laughing.

If I die soon, don't ever say I died too young.