Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 883

I don't miss the economic insecurity, the living paycheck to paycheck.

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

It's your living room, it's your life, go nuts. You like Home Improvement? Tape it and go over it like it's the Zapruder film.

A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.

I'm not on a diet. And it’s funny cause people go ‘Well, then why do you drink diet soda?’ So I can eat regular cake.

I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.

An actor's popularity is fleeting. His success has the life expectancy of a small boy who is about to look into a gas tank with a lighted match.

When I play poker, I don't like losing the pot.

Isn't it fun to go out on the course and lie in the sun?

Have you seen that show on CBS called 'The Amazing Race'? Is that show about white people?

I can make things, but I don't cook them, exactly. Like salmon, I can stick that in a pan. Or the other day I made noodles, but they were hard. It never occurred to me to check them; I just stopped cooking them when I felt they were ready. Really, I'm too absentminded.

Hell, the vows are scary enough. I mean, "We are gathered here to witness the joining of two people..." Joining. Could we come up with a slightly more industrial term, huh? How about "soldering"? Yeah, have a couple of guys from the machinists' union swing by, drop the welder's masks, and handle this part of the ceremony? You know, it seems like the only two times they pronounce you anything in life is when they pronounce you "man and wife" or "dead on arrival."

When I see a large group of people, I wonder how many of them will eventually require autopsies.

Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.

Doing a book signing tomorrow at Barnes and Noble. Bring your own book... I haven't written one yet.