Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 883
There are so many beautiful parts of the world... Thailand, Italy, the south of France. There are places in Spain that are astonishing. But here... 25 miles and you go up on Mount Tam to see the fog come in; 25 miles the other direction and you're somewhere else that takes your breath away. There's no question this is where I want to live. Never has been.
As anyone who's ever adopted a dog will tell you, there's always the fear that one day the birth parents will come scratching at the door...
Why even moon a sorority girl if they can't see the swingy egg bag part of it?
I found our cat the other day. I would have found him a week ago, but we have a grass bag on our lawnmower.
We will now sing forth, hymn 405, 'Oh God, what on earth is my hairdo all about?'
The Apple Store in New York is like a big white glistening cathedral of twats. Before you even have your foot in the door, there is some wanktard in your face with a fringe. ‘Hey buddy, my name’s Drew. What brings you to the Apple Store today, hombre?’ I’m here to buy a phone, not make a friend, piss off!
The Hunchback of Notre-Dame, who said, "This isn't a hump. I ate a canteloupe and it backed up on me." Never got a dinner!
The only reason I'm able to do music is because I'm making money on 'Community.' If I wasn't, I couldn't pay for things.
I like groaning. That means that you're not pandering to their already settled prejudices.
I started doing '30 Rock' and started writing 'Mystery Team' at the beginning of that. While I was doing 'Mystery Team,' I started practicing stand-up. While I was doing stand up, I got 'Community.' It's like I planted trees six years ago, and now they have fruit.
Did I miss a fucking meeting with the coffee? You can get every other flavor except COFFEE FLAVORED COFFEE! They got mochaccino, they've got chococcino, frapaccino, capaccino, rapaccino, Al Pacino, WHAT THE FUCK! www.whattheFUCK.com!!
I thought about going to NYU film school - that was this ideal to me. But I didn't make any kind of grades in high school.