Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 883
Statistical high Vegas odds probability is that nothing of any significance will ever happen to you in your entire boring life.
In America, with all of its evils and faults, you can still reach through the forest and see the sun. But we don't know yet whether that sun is rising or setting for our country.
I've always liked it here. Part of me is Irish. My family comes from the west coast, so whenever I come to Ireland I get a wee tingling in my heart that I'm where I belong.
I had a very close relationship with another kid when I was growing up. I was his imaginary friend.
Ladies gotta say no to their husbands at the movies. They gotta say: “No, we are watching back-to-back cancer movies. And then this movie about a cat.”
The study of economy usually shows us that the best time for purchase was last year.
This country promised 40 acres and a mule to each slave. And they did not fulfill their promise… That feels like a motherfucka owe you money and you see them with new shit on every motherfucking day.
I believe that every paper in the country should have one headline that when you read it, you laugh so hard you can't stand it. It has to be that way. What about a headline like this: 'Hippo Eats Dwarf'? How good is that? You read that headline, and you immediately close the paper and say, 'Wow, it's gonna be a great day.'
Do you reckon the Queen has ever pulled a blanket up so just her head's showing and gone 'Philip, look at me! I'm a stamp!'
During the cold war, West Berlin was an "exclave" - a tiny outpost of liberalism surrounded by people who want to crush it. It was like Austin, Texas.