Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 885

We got no Whoppers. You kids quit screwin' around. We got no Whoppers here. Don't make me come out there.

There are now more obese people in the United States than there are overweight people. I think it's safe to say that after all these years, Diet Coke is a complete failure.

Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.

In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.

I got two stools, in case I want to sit down and sit down again on something else.

I have no stories to sell. A lot of my relationships are with civilians, and no one wants to hear about those.

You may be a redneck if... you think you are an entrepreneur because of the "Dirt for Sale" sign in the front yard.

She has a wash and wear bridal gown.

So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.

I started to draw desert islands. They were just rough, shapes in the middle of the page. Then I began drawing shapes within those shapes and I was amazed how quickly the islands got better. It took off from there.

Once you get offstage you're just like everyone else, and everyone else can get into a fight.

Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.

I don't have a fear of heights. I do, however, have a fear of falling from heights.

It seems to me that there will be a point in out development or our evolution where you put your guns aside.

As I was leaving this morning, I said to myself 'the last thing you must do is forget your speech.' And sure enough, as I left the house this morning, the last thing I did was to forget my speech.