Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 885

Today my alphabet soup spelled "UGH."

I suppose I grew up wishing I was an American Jew for the comedy and the one-liners. ... actress who does a Holocaust movie because, as she explains, it's a surefire way to finally win an Oscar.

Met a girl the other nite and told her- Before you can be with someone you have to know the value of yourself. So does $200 seem reasonable?

My ego wears an Ace bandage.

Teach your kids to make deplorable choices and hopefully they’ll rebel and make the right ones.

I believe in love the verb, not the noun.

It's a new day: Full of promise and love. The only thing that can take away that great feeling is - reading the news or speaking to people.

Did you slip in some cheese? Did it make you hate cheese, which you had previously loved? Why not sue a cheese-maker? Sue him for all the cheese he's got, drive him out of the cheese-making business! Did you burn your face with an iron? Why not sue Prometheus, the god that invented fire? Or an Iron Age chieftain, for having the temerity to popularise the metal.

They found a massive stash of porn in Osama bin Laden's compound. Right now CIA agents are screening the pornography carefully, frame by frame, looking for clues.

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don’t need a receipt for a doughnut. I’ll just give you the money, you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this.

Is there any indication we shouldn't be depressed? Are you living on the same planet that I am? Do you ever think that depression might be the reasonable human response to the crap we're going through as a species, meant to propel us into the next evolutionary step or, at least, into taking some different course of action, so that we might survive? Do you ever think that maybe it's the happy people that are really screwed up in the head?

There are now more obese people in the United States than there are overweight people. I think it's safe to say that after all these years, Diet Coke is a complete failure.

Doing a book signing tomorrow at Barnes and Noble. Bring your own book... I haven't written one yet.

Housewife porn is the only morally appropriate kind, because they're all in healthy, committed relationships.

I was out walking the other evening. This fellow accosted me, and asked if that was the moon up there in the sky. I replied that I had no idea, as I was a stranger there myself.