Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 885
I went to a funeral recently, and they handed out Kleenex before the funeral. Which I thought was cocky.
It's my wife Ruth's birthday soon. I said to her: "What would you like for your birthday?" She said: "I want a divorce." I said: "I wasn't planning on spending that much."
I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce - my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions - the absurdity of the thing.
Fang and I are always fighting. When we get up in the morning, we don’t kiss; we touch gloves.
I wonder what will happen if i put a hand cream on my feet, will they get confused and start clapping?
You know how you put peanut butter on a piece of bread and the bread falls - it never falls on the bread side down, it always falls peanut butter side down. That's because of gravity.
I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.
The Apple Store in New York is like a big white glistening cathedral of twats. Before you even have your foot in the door, there is some wanktard in your face with a fringe. ‘Hey buddy, my name’s Drew. What brings you to the Apple Store today, hombre?’ I’m here to buy a phone, not make a friend, piss off!
They just elected me Mis Phonograph Record of 1966. They discovered my measurements were 33 1/2, 45, 78!
After a while, you just kind of chill. It just becomes a whole different lifestyle and no one bothers you.
I have big hands. I can't do the touch-screen thing. I'm a button guy. I want to press buttons.
The torture that they are coming up with in China is so creative. They have this other method where they'll take a bamboo and they'll plant it in your anus and just let it grow. So patient. Man, watch out for China, I say. They have all the ambition as we do but none of the heart.