Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 890

We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being.

I really hope cell phones aren't bad for us, but I would like the excuse: 'I can't talk right now. You're giving me cancer.'

If you can see the handwriting on the wall … you're on the toilet.

I am so out of the loop. I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.

[during a bit about dogs]<br /> That's why they're man's best friend. 'Cause guys want buddies that are dumber than they are. So do women, but they've already got men

That's how I meet new men. The minute it says 'Sadie Schwartz' I know, 'Go to that funeral.'

If he’s not calling you, it’s because you are not on his mind. If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn’t follow through on little things, he will do same for big things. Be aware of this and realize that he’s okay with disappointing you.

In every circle of friends there's always that one person everyone secretly hates. Don't have one? Then it's probably you.

My daughter and I are very close. We speak every single day and I call her every day and I say the same thing, "Pick up, I know you're there." And she says the same thing back, "How'd you get this new number?"

I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.

Granola didn’t sell very well when it was good for you. Now it has caramel, chocolate, marshmallow, saturated fat and sweeteners with a small amount of oats and grains. Sales picked up.

Anyone who tells you that they know, they just know what happens when you die, I promise you, you dont. How can I be so sure? Because I dont know and you do not possess mental powers that I do not.

Teach your kids to make deplorable choices and hopefully they’ll rebel and make the right ones.

My wife got us a catalog of stuff just for our dogs. 42 pages of things just for our dogs. She bought a feeding dish this high off the ground. I said, “What does he need that for?”, and she says, “So he don’t got to bend his neck to eat!” I just saw him licking his own ass! Excuse me for thinking he’s limber enough to eat! She said, “It helps his digestion!” I said, “His digestion’s just fine! I pick it up out of the yard every morning.”

When it comes to men, deal with them as they are, not how you’d like them to be.