Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 890
I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.
It's like Platoon. You've got all this fucking stuff; you have an impossible amount of shit to carry, and usually, a kid sometimes too. And I see parents all over the place with skinny little ankles and, you know, with no particular features and they just, life's worn them down to a basic like human shape, you know. Their personality and whatever they, the lines in their face and the chiseling is gone. They're just this thing and it's like ant strength, and you just have to, you just have to do it to get through whatever fucking, you know, we've got to get from here to there. And she didn't want to be here any more, and she has to go to the bathroom, and I've got a stroller.
I dreamt I was forced to eat 25lb of marshmallows. When I woke up, my pillow was missing.
Without the laughs, the audience wouldn’t be there at all, so in that sense, yes, I am a comedian.
I asked a Jewish man "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said "Yes", and walked away.
The whole idea of re-releasing old movies does bother me a little bit. If they're going to re-release an old movie, I should be able to get in with my old ticket.
Former president Bill Clinton was elected on this very day in 1992. Clinton went on to leave quite a mark in the oval office... You mean the one on the sofa?
I've moved about 10 times over the past 15 years. I don't move for the sole purpose of getting rid of stuff. I'm not crazy. I also move so that I never have to wash any windows.
I like staying in hotels because you can leave a message for somebody and you don't even need to know their name, just, like, a room number. 'Hey, can I get a pen? I just want to leave a message. My friend's in 710. Yeah, thanks.' 'Leprechaun's gonna fuck you up at midnight.' 'Honey, what is this? Did you anger a small Irish man?'
My favorite song right now is impossible to defend. It's impossible. We should all be ashamed of ourselves for liking this fucking song. Lil Jon. You know that shit: "To the window! To the wall! [crowd sings along] 'Till the sweat drip from my balls! Skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet!" You go to clubs, you see girls dance to that shit. "Till the sweat drip from my balls! Till the sweat drip from my balls! From my balls! From my balls! My balls! Skeet, Skeet Skeet!" I feel sorry for the guys that gotta pick a wife out of this bunch. It's like, "Daddy, where'd you meet Mommy?" "Oh, she was singing about balls at a club. Skeet, skeet, skeet!"
This book is dedicated to all of my friends who helped me get to where I am today - you know who you are... and when I find you I am going to kill you.
I am accusing him of stealing my best material, he was a very funny man.