Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 889
If there is reincarnation and I come back as myself, I'll kill myself.
That's the news from Lake Wobegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.
I didn't plan on being a comedian. I didn't plan on getting married and I didn't plan on having kids, but I did all those things.
Congratulations to whoever is finally booking music we love. It's going to get us out of the house after dark!
Is it just me or is gas high?.. They ain’t been a drive-by for three weeks. You hear niggas going, “I can’t afford to kill that motherfucker! I can’t!”
If you said more words to him than "mommy'll be back", he might know something!
Whenever you take over something that is popular and has a fanatical following that loves it, you're never going to please everyone. The trick is to have enough wherewithal to follow through with what you want to do with it and give it time to evolve.
My daughter’s tricycle said “Some Assembly Required.” It came in a jar.
My shrink gives me 75 per cent off if I make believe I'm someone else.
There are so many beautiful parts of the world... Thailand, Italy, the south of France. There are places in Spain that are astonishing. But here... 25 miles and you go up on Mount Tam to see the fog come in; 25 miles the other direction and you're somewhere else that takes your breath away. There's no question this is where I want to live. Never has been.
I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce - my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions - the absurdity of the thing.