Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 889

I'll tell you why we make fun of midgets: We're not afraid of them.

I ain't afraid to die fat -- that's my pallbearers' worry.

I call 'Community' the best day job in the world, because between takes, I get to write music. I get to write sketches. I get to write movies. It's the best job ever.

Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.

Thank God for Darwin, eh?

Two Santa Clauses on the corner. How can you tell the Polish one? The one with the Easter basket.

90% of every art form is garbage - dance and stand-up, painting and music. Focus on the 10% that's good, suck it up, and drive on.

If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

Love what you do. Get good at it. Competence is a rare commodity in this day and age. And let the chips fall where they may.

I really hope cell phones aren't bad for us, but I would like the excuse: 'I can't talk right now. You're giving me cancer.'

I am so out of the loop. I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.

Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.

I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don’t need a receipt for a doughnut. I’ll just give you the money, you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this.

Ninety percent of a shirt that not only was bright purple and green but with a design on it that, if you moved too quickly, might cause a seizure in an unsuspecting onlooker.

If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for the hammock."