Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 889

On performing in front of comic legend Ken Dodd: It was like trying to make love to your wife in front of a porn star – ‘I’m doing my best here! I know you can probably do it better but don’t look at me like that!’.

So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'

The Doctor says "You'll live to be 60." "I am 60!" "See, what did I tell you?"

I don't care about wealth. What seems to be upsetting is institutionalizing the advantages that wealth gives you.

I was raped by a doctor. Which is so bittersweet for a Jewish girl…

His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.

It's not Spring Break until somebody dies!

I could see myself adopting a kid someday. But, obviously, I'd prefer it to be aborted.

I'm an amateur photographer. Never taken anything I'm proud of. Just children having sex.

TV family sitcoms have always been about fathers who know best and mothers who are so enchanted with everything they do. I wanted to be the first mom to be a mom on TV. I wanted to sent out a message about how us women really feel.

Iraq is a manufactured conflict for the sake of geopolitical dominance in the area.

I wear ear condoms. I don't even want to listen to what I might be contracting.

My grandfather likes to give me advise, but he's a little forgetful. One day, he took me aside and left me there.

The only way to tell my Dad something is to write it on a note, and tie it to a brick, and throw it through a window. Of course, now Dad's armed with a brick.

I've good kids, I love my kids. I try to bring them up the right way, not spanking them. I find that I don't have to spank them. I find that waving the gun around pretty much gets the same job done!