Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 889
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, "Don’t you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" I said "I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too".
As anyone who's ever adopted a dog will tell you, there's always the fear that one day the birth parents will come scratching at the door...
I set out to be a cross between Lenny Bruce and Robert the Bruce - my main thrust was the body and its functions and malfunctions - the absurdity of the thing.
I had temping jobs also. I liked the flexibility. There was no asking for time off; you just didn't work.
It is said that Indians were sometimes named for the first thing they saw when they were born. Makes you wonder why there aren't more Indians named Hairy Pussy, doesn't it?
I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.
My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer "If I should die before I wake"? I had sheets that said that!
This dude walks up to me wearing a cape - he was wearing a cape - and he just said, 'Dude, do you know what time it is?' I was like, 'You're just gonna ask me that like you're not wearing a cape? It's time to take off that dumbass cape.'
Y'ever notice how you never seem to get laid on Thanksgiving? I think it's because all the coats are on the bed.
The competitions are as much a part of the tradition as the actual dances.
I never knew if I would get my own show, but I knew I loved stand-up.