Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 891

Liberals should not overplay this weapons of mass destruction card, because you want me to tell you the truth? Most of us are not going to care if they don't find these weapons of mass destruction. It's enough for a lot of us to see those kids smiling on that street again.

I couldn't be a responsible enough parent if my kid was born with a new suit and a full-time job.

Mel Gibson is losing it. I don't know how people still supporting this dude's movies like it's all good. That dude is nuts. All you gotta do is shut him down and don't support any of his movies.

Having kids means there's always someone around to blame your fart on.

I was watching Batman, the TV show, on TV Land, on the cable. And Robin said to Batman, "Golly, Batman! Why is the Joker so evil!?" And Batman said, "Careful, Robin. The criminal mind sees the world through a prism the solid citizen dare not peer through." Batman has a more nuanced worldview than the president.

Technically, I've learned that having good legs and wind is good for being on stage. You have to be in shape and have endurance.

If I've learned anything in my 30s, it's about holding back a little bit.

My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.

Isn't it fun to go out on the course and lie in the sun?

When the show's in production, we work for three weeks at a time and then take a week off.

I used to fear living a life untouched by God, but now, for some reason I've gone back to being afraid of cement mixers.

You have a three year foundation for your... your... intimacy.

Valentine’s Day is like Armistice Day – you declare a truce.

My shrink told me it was pointless to believe in myself.

I don't believe in angels and I have trouble with the whole God thing. I don't want to say I don't believe in God, but I don't think I do. But I believe in people who do.