Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 891
You might be a redneck if you fish in your above-ground pool... and catch something.
Even at home, on my stationary exercise bike, I have a rearview mirror.
I wear ear condoms. I don't even want to listen to what I might be contracting.
My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer "If I should die before I wake"? I had sheets that said that!
No children were abused in the making of this show. No one was hurt and no Islamic cartoons were used. You know, for those of you that can't take a fucking joke.
I've good kids, I love my kids. I try to bring them up the right way, not spanking them. I find that I don't have to spank them. I find that waving the gun around pretty much gets the same job done!
I think Desperate Housewives is a pretty good show, I watch it, I like it and I don't love reality tv that much. I do watch some, I've got three daughters so we'll watch the good stuff, the fun stuff.
Well, my wife and I were married in a toilet - it was a marriage of convenience!
Being an actor is easy, just picture someone in a room and you outside waiting for your cue to go in. Elliot Gould's been trying that for forty years.
I wanted to make sure that my act was family friendly for tonight, but I don't have babies. So I thought that maybe I could pretend that I had babies and that way I could appeal to the people in the audience who have babies and to the people who like to pretend that they have babies.
Black men struggle with masculinity so much. The idea that we must always be strong really presses us all down - it keeps us from growing.
The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."