Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 891
I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.
This one commercial said, "Forget everything you know about slipcovers." So I did, and it was a load off of my mind. Then the commercial tried to sell slipcovers, but I didn't know what they were!
By the numbers, this was the worst way to have done it. He couldn't think straight. It was fight or flight - and he chose flight.
That's the great thing about a tractor. You can't really hear the phone ring.
Don’t forget to turn your clocks back today if you don’t want your clocks to be set to the right time.
My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.
My wife can’t figure out what to buy me. What do you give a man who’s had everything up to here?
We got no Whoppers. You kids quit screwin' around. We got no Whoppers here. Don't make me come out there.
Hell, the vows are scary enough. I mean, "We are gathered here to witness the joining of two people..." Joining. Could we come up with a slightly more industrial term, huh? How about "soldering"? Yeah, have a couple of guys from the machinists' union swing by, drop the welder's masks, and handle this part of the ceremony? You know, it seems like the only two times they pronounce you anything in life is when they pronounce you "man and wife" or "dead on arrival."
Sarah Palin is speaking out about the oil spill. She said, I'm not kidding, we should ask the Dutch for help with the spill because the Dutch have the world's best dikes. So let me get this straight. It is OK to cover lesbians in oil but you just can't let them get married.