Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 891

I used to fear living a life untouched by God, but now, for some reason I've gone back to being afraid of cement mixers.

War toys are scary. They have a rocket launcher with a bayonet attached, in case you miss.

Why is no one talking about all the potential savings from a complete economic collapse?

I had the cab driver drive me here backwards, and the dude owed me $27.50.

Weirdo. Weirdo. Underachiever. Weirdo. Weirdo.

When I see a large group of people, I wonder how many of them will eventually require autopsies.

The next actor I meet that uses the term 'courageous' to describe another actor's performance is getting punched in the face.

You might be a redneck if you prefer car keys to Q-tips.

There’s a relationship between men and their machines that goes way beyond what we can put into words. (Ironically, there’s a relationship between women and words that goes way beyond what men could ever comprehend.)

I think my wife puts up with me ‘cause I try. I think that’s all any guy can do is just try. That’s right! ‘Cause we ain’t never gunna get it. ‘Cause as soon as we get close you ladies change it. It’s like this memo goes out, ‘they’re getting close, change it, change it!’

I like Dali and Magritte. I also like the Scottish artist John Byrne, another surrealist.

This concludes our broadcast day. Click.

I asked a Jewish man "Do you know where Michigan Avenue is?" He said "Yes", and walked away.

I never thought that intolerance would be patriotic.

The Jackass movies are honestly some of the best movies I've ever seen. I laugh so hard at them. Those guys are geniuses. If they had grown up with a different group of people, they could've been performance artists at Bard College, and people would be writing papers about them.