Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 913
Over the years I've received thousands of e-mails looking for guidance. Some have real problems; some talk about monkeys and poo - though those people may also have real problems.
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.
(about cars) “I would say ‘has it got a cup holder, and will it make birds touch my cock?’”
If I wasn't a comic or TV star, I really wanted to be a photojournalist.
Nevada's one of the most conservative states in the Union, but you can do what you want in Vegas and nobody judges you.
People don't mind if you have a lot of money if they know you're working for it.
A man who correctly guesses a woman`s age may be smart, but he`s not very bright.
I got some good news earlier today before the show. Thanks to Alex Rodriguez, I am no longer the most overpaid disappointment in New York City.
So the hotel tells us that it is not safe to go in the water because its shark mating time. I know how I'd feel if someone interrupted me.
I only watch the Oscars to make fun of what they wear in the Memoriam.
Let me tell you something black people: If white people tell you they never use the N-word, they’re lying to your face. Either that, or they’ve never bet a $1,000 on an NBA game.
What I say is stupid. Who takes a comedian seriously? I'm doing sophisticated knock-knock jokes.
Not many people have had as much bad luck as I have, but not many people have had as much good luck, either.