Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 913

I often warn people: somewhere along the way, someone is going to tell you, "There is no "I" in team." What you should tell them is, "Maybe not. But there is an "I" in independence, individuality and integrity."

I may not be smart enough to debate you point-for-point on this, but I have the feeling about 60% of what you say is crap.

If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.

When you go to cable, there are no stations and no affiliates and they allow you to do your show.

While I was doing stand-up, I thought I knew for sure that success meant getting everyone to like me. So I became whoever I thought people wanted me to be. I'd say yes when I wanted to say no, and I even wore a few dresses.

When I was nine, my life was devoted to seeing a tit. I was Captain Ahab, and it was my big white whale. I'd go down to Sears on a Sunday in hopes they'd remove a clothing from a mannequin. Sad but true, sad but fuckin' true.

This is a country where tobacco kills four hundred thousand people a year, so they ban artificial sweeteners! Because a rat died! You know what I mean?

Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.

I can be in 20 movies. But I'll never be an actor.

If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

Every time I see Dan Quayle I feel like buying a vowel.

I am probably a pseudo-intellectual.

If I don't believe in Jesus, maybe I don't believe in Hell. Did you ever think of that? You're so excited about it, why don't you go to Hell? It's your concept; you invented it.

I read recently that women still make 30% less than men in the workplace. Which I think is fine, cause if we didn't make 30% more, you guys would marry each other.

I know her in the biblical sense…and when I say that, I mean I don’t believe a word she says.