Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 913

I hate the idea of owning a gun, but I love the idea of owning a cannon.

I am completely attracted to the idea of simplicity, or at least removing things that seem unnecessary when trying to get an idea out there.

We should fight to preserve a country where people such as Michael Moore get to miss the point as badly as he misses it. Michael Moore represents everything I detest in a human being.

It's up to couples, to individuals, to have a trust between each other.

She was feeling her bohemian oats.

I don’t know what it would be like to actually play guitar. I’ve toured with a lot of comedians and it’s never been like it is for a rock band.

I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.

I grew up poor… I grew up the baby of eight kids. We grew up in a two bedroom house. Mama didn’t have to worry about a curfew. You came up late, you didn’t have a bed.

Ninety percent of a shirt that not only was bright purple and green but with a design on it that, if you moved too quickly, might cause a seizure in an unsuspecting onlooker.

Last Christmas, in my stocking there was an Odour-Eater.

Tonight we set aside petty differences, forget old feuds and start new ones.

All my wife wanted for Valentine’s Day was a little card – American Express.

And for you kids watching at home, remember, the less homework you do and the closer you sit to the TV, the more points you get.

On an average day 7 minutes of news happens. Yet there are currently three full-time, 24-hour news networks.

The only person I can barely compromise with is myself.