Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 912
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
I don't smoke a lot of pot anymore. No one wants to hang around a guy who ends every sentence with, "Do you guys hate me?"
If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?
I would visualize things coming to me. It would just make me feel better. Visualization works if you work hard. That's the thing. You can't just visualize and go eat a sandwich.
Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!
The N-Word. And everyone says, “Don’t say it again. We should put a moratorium on it, because it’s a bad word.”... You see, it’s not bad to me because I don’t know any and I’ve never been one.
Apparently the only way to avoid a sudden agonising death, is to walk around in tights with a bottle of vinegar. I'd rather be fucking dead!
The show is a behind-the-scenes look at what happens at our office when the cameras are off... A perfect platform for people who have no business being on camera.
I was watching the Animal Planet. Did you know that the male seahorse has the baby? Why don't they just call that one the female?
Alright guys, I want to get out there and vote tomorrow. And not because it's cool, because it's not. You know what is cool? Smoking. Smoke while you vote.
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time... I know where my watch is pal, where the fuck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
I’d like to punch out a really old lady. There’d be no repercussions.
You gotta live life before you can talk about it. Sometimes when things don't work out in life, they work out on stage.