Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 912

A woman's mind is as complex as the contents of her handbag; even when you get to the bottom of it, there is always something at the bottom to surprise you!

It shows exactly what you can do if you're a total psychotic.

Tits always look better in a pink sweater.

Don't you think that being a person of faith has become a third rail in American politics? If you want to run for president nowadays, you'd better get out there and say you're a very faith-based person.

I wish my brother would learn a trade, so I would know what kind of work he's out of.

The more you delve into science, the more it appears to rely on faith.

Hey baby, are you being followed?.. Because I’ve been seeing people behind your back.

Our record doesn't show it, but we are getting better.

Oscar is 80 this year, which makes him now automatically the frontrunner for the Republican nomination.

I'm sure that Jesus was an incredible person.

I call 'Community' the best day job in the world, because between takes, I get to write music. I get to write sketches. I get to write movies. It's the best job ever.

That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle the Vatican has overlooked.

Nigga, look at me, do I look like I follow diets well?

When I find out a hotel doesn't have a DSL, it's like "What? There's no toilet?" Once you get used to high speed you ain’t going back.

Love what you do. Get good at it. Competence is a rare commodity in this day and age. And let the chips fall where they may.