Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 912
A woman in Germany gave birth to a 13 1/2 pound baby. That baby was so fat his first word was "strudel."
Anyone who has faith in humanity is probably an uneducated extraterrestrial.
How great if, as well as creating life in their womb, a woman could use her vagina to make hot fudge sundaes.
A woman tells her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor says, 'It's old age.' The woman says, 'I want a second opinion.' The doctor says: 'Okay - you're ugly as well.'
This dude walks up to me wearing a cape - he was wearing a cape - and he just said, 'Dude, do you know what time it is?' I was like, 'You're just gonna ask me that like you're not wearing a cape? It's time to take off that dumbass cape.'
9% would give up sex for the remote control. 91% has already given up sex for the remote control!
When you first get married, they open the car door for you. Eighteen years now... once he opened the car door for me in the last four years - we were on the freeway at the time.
You might be a redneck if you've sat on the toilet until your legs fell asleep.
It’s important to spend time with them... I want my grandchildren to be brought up the same way I raised my children.
It felt like such a right idea that it didn't bother me to put it away, because I knew it would be ready when it's ready. When I had kids, I realized I understood my parents better. I had more compassion for them and I look at my kids and realize, 'Oh, man. This is just the same cycle all over again.'