Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 912
You can try to steal the thunder all you want, it just reminds people I’m the lightning. You rumble in the distance. I light up the sky.
I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.
Me and Abed have an agreement. If one of us dies, we stage it to look like a suicide due to the unjust cancellation of Firefly.
Paris Hilton is one of the hosts for Nicole Richie’s baby shower, and they’re serving sushi. Awesome, Paris - sushi, the one thing pregnant women are forbidden to eat. Thanks for the mercury.
Yesterday the Iraqis and U. S. troops pulled down a giant statue of Saddam Hussein. They pull it down and it lands right on top of Geraldo.
Ninety percent of a shirt that not only was bright purple and green but with a design on it that, if you moved too quickly, might cause a seizure in an unsuspecting onlooker.
And for you kids watching at home, remember, the less homework you do and the closer you sit to the TV, the more points you get.
Villains fear me because I am unpredictable and broccoli. See what I mean?
A free book that comes to my house full of nothing but women in their underwear? God Bless America!
You might be a redneck if you have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
Housewife porn is the only morally appropriate kind, because they're all in healthy, committed relationships.
My name is Adam. My father’s name is Adam. Having the same name as your father, it’s alright until your voice changes. My friends would always call up, “Is Adam there?” My father would say, “This is Adam.” My friends would say, “Adam, you were so wasted last night.”