Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 914

If I'm not back in five minutes... just wait longer!

And for you kids watching at home, remember, the less homework you do and the closer you sit to the TV, the more points you get.

I don’t know what’s going on with Britney. I think by now she’s her own species. We need to catch her, tag her and send her back out into her natural habitat - Starbucks - so we can observe her and learn more about her.

I like to isolate if I can avoid myself.

What I say is stupid. Who takes a comedian seriously? I'm doing sophisticated knock-knock jokes.

A free book that comes to my house full of nothing but women in their underwear? God Bless America!

Getting older is tough. I remember the last time I felt an erection. It was at the movies. The only trouble is, it belonged to the guy sitting next to me.

It was raining cats and dogs, and I fell in a poodle.

I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself. I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn’t even have attempted it.

We could overcome the baser aspects of our nature... and give this planet the kind of caretakers it deserves.

It seems to me that Islam and Christianity and Judaism all have the same god, and he's telling them all different things.

Faith is part of who I am, yes. I was raised Christian Scientist. The most important thing I saw every single week on the wall at Sunday school was the Golden Rule.

It’s too difficult to convey tone in electronic communication. And we can solve this my friends. All we need is some new fonts.

I have these friends, and they had a daughter recently and they named her Jessica. They spelt it J-E-S-I-K-A. They’re that kind of people.

This friend of mine had a terrible upbringing. When his mother lifted him up to feed him, his father rented the pram out. Then, when they came into money later, his mother hired a woman to push the pram - and he’s been pushed for money ever since.