Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 914

And for you kids watching at home, remember, the less homework you do and the closer you sit to the TV, the more points you get.

Michele Bachmann said that if she is elected president, she would consider eliminating the Department of Education because "the states could do a gooder job."

On an average day 7 minutes of news happens. Yet there are currently three full-time, 24-hour news networks.

The only person I can barely compromise with is myself.

I got up this morning. I like to get up in the morning; it gives me the rest of the day to myself. I crossed the landing and went down stairs. Mind you, if there had been no stairs, I wouldn’t even have attempted it.

You got a gun, you don't have to work out.

What a fergalicious day were having!

People make plans and God laughs. Why? What's wrong with people making plans? Why don't you just grow the fuck up, you big, fake jerk.

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

I'm sure everyone in this room has been told a joke about that subject. I have many times and I've laughed, even though they are horrifying and shocking... I think there's no boundary at all, whether it's that subject or another.

Last week I bought a new phone. I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall... Pressed redial. The phone had a nervous breakdown.

My friend Sam has one leg. I went to his house. I couldn't go up the stairs.

If you can make just one person laugh, then you are already doing better than Tony Danza.

When you go to cable, there are no stations and no affiliates and they allow you to do your show.

The biggest battle for a lot of people who come out of the theater, which is where I was trained, is that they can never forget that a camera is pointed at them.