Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 914
9% would give up sex for the remote control. 91% has already given up sex for the remote control!
It’s important to spend time with them... I want my grandchildren to be brought up the same way I raised my children.
Marriage was the only way to truly find out that I was the wrong choice.
You're an investigator - can't nobody find stuff out like a woman. Y'all put the police to shame, make the little investigative tricks they show on CSI and Law & Order: SVU look like counting lessons on Sesame Street.
What's the name of the birth defect you have, trampled by a horse during the 2nd trimester?
People don't mind if you have a lot of money if they know you're working for it.
I talked about everything, man. I’ve always written material that everyone can laugh at. I talked about growing up. I did a lot of physical comedy. That was my thing. I was a physical comedian. I did anything and everything from running on a treadmill, I can paint a picture on stage of anything.
I bought my son an indestructible toy. Yesterday he left it in the driveway. It broke my car.
If you are asked to describe a suspect to a police sketch artist, describe in precise detail, the features of the police sketch artist. This is one of the rare instances where two people can do one self-portrait.
You might be a redneck if the neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
It's like Platoon. You've got all this fucking stuff; you have an impossible amount of shit to carry, and usually, a kid sometimes too. And I see parents all over the place with skinny little ankles and, you know, with no particular features and they just, life's worn them down to a basic like human shape, you know. Their personality and whatever they, the lines in their face and the chiseling is gone. They're just this thing and it's like ant strength, and you just have to, you just have to do it to get through whatever fucking, you know, we've got to get from here to there. And she didn't want to be here any more, and she has to go to the bathroom, and I've got a stroller.