Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 95

I swear on my unborn child's life i didn't eat your fucking ice cream.

Find out who you are and be that person. That's what your soul was put on this Earth to be. Find that truth, live that truth and everything else will come.

For years I thought the club's name was Partick Thistle Nil.

I think it's a good thing that emotional scars are invisible because if emotional scars were visible porn would be disgusting.

I was in my peak physical condition when I was about like, uh... one. Oh God, I looked good, young and fresh! You wouldn't know me now if you'd seen me when I was one, you know? I even looked good for my age. People would come up to me and go, "what are you, zero?" And I'd go, "no, I'm one over here!"

I am influenced by every second of my waking hour.

Then the challenge is, once you left brain it and build it, then when you’re on stage you have to know it so well that you can get lost in it. I don’t want to be onstage looking like a robot, I want to be at the end of the day very emotional and what feels like someone being up there rather than reciting things. That’s always the challenge, to analyze and then somehow lose yourself in something you absolutely know backwards and forwards. And nothing’s going to surprise you, but you have to be surprised by it and let it surprise you.

Don’t idolize anyone if you can. You know, be inspired by people, certainly, but don’t idolize people… Because they’ll let you down.

I couldn't wait for success, so I went ahead without it.

This is how you answer a door in my neighborhood. WHO IS IT?

If I can make a teacher's salary doing comedy, I think that's better than being a teacher.

Florida wants to change the state's motto to attract younger people. They're thinking about: "More than just a great place to die."

You buy a new iPhone, a few months later, another new iPhone comes out, and you get online to buy another one. You can't get enough. You are addicted to Apple.

When you talk to the manhood, mark your tone well. 'Cause if the manhood's insulted, then the manhood can't swell. If he doesn't feel strong, and he doesn't feel stout, then he'll sulk and he'll pout, and he'll never come out. So if you want that love to continue to thrive, Ladies, sit there, shut up, and let the dick drive.

He was really into family... He'd never come on the road with me on the weekends 'cause he wanted to spend time with his wife.