Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 95

It was a decision to work clean. I just prefer to work that way. I have no problem with comedians who don't work that way. There was a temptation in the early '70s to reconsider. I decided against it.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.

When Obama ran, he said, "We can change the world!" The world: can you change it back?!

God is in my head, but the devil is in my pants.

Then the challenge is, once you left brain it and build it, then when you’re on stage you have to know it so well that you can get lost in it. I don’t want to be onstage looking like a robot, I want to be at the end of the day very emotional and what feels like someone being up there rather than reciting things. That’s always the challenge, to analyze and then somehow lose yourself in something you absolutely know backwards and forwards. And nothing’s going to surprise you, but you have to be surprised by it and let it surprise you.

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

People say pot smokers are lazy. I disagree. I am a multitasking pot smoker. Just the other day I was walking down the street. Stoned. OK, I won’t count that as two things. I was walking down the street. I was putting eye drops in my eyes. I was talking on my cellphone. And I was getting hit by a car.

I always thought music was more important than sex - then I thought if I don't hear a concert for a year-and-a-half it doesn't bother me.

I am influenced by every second of my waking hour.

I swear on my unborn child's life i didn't eat your fucking ice cream.

I’m at a very frustrating point in my career because I’m not a millionaire. Like, people assume because you’re in movies or TV, you’re rich. I’m not rich, but I’m far from broke. I’m what you call a ‘thousandaire.’

They pulled out that dress, man - they scared him, they scared him. That little dress with the DNA - he lost it; he gave up the lie. But my thing is, who's going to believe a woman who keeps a nasty dress? They ought to toss that right out of court: 'Excuse me, your honor, she kept the dress.' 'What? Case dismissed - and get your nasty ass out of my court room. I should throw you in jail just for being nasty, Miss Nasty Ass.'

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

I think it's a good thing that emotional scars are invisible because if emotional scars were visible porn would be disgusting.