Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 95
Find out who you are and be that person. That's what your soul was put on this Earth to be. Find that truth, live that truth and everything else will come.
Father, bless me for I have sinned, I did an original sin… I poked a badger with a spoon.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
I think it's a good thing that emotional scars are invisible because if emotional scars were visible porn would be disgusting.
I think the serving size of ice cream is when you hear the spoon hit the bottom of the container.
My sister is going to have a simple wedding. Just immediate family. And whoever the hell would want to marry her.
If God had really intended man to fly, He’d make it easier to get to the airport.
Sometimes I talk to myself fluently in languages I'm unfamiliar with... just to screw with my subconscious. It's a good thing a lot of people speak foreign languages, otherwise those people would have no one to talk to.
People say pot smokers are lazy. I disagree. I am a multitasking pot smoker. Just the other day I was walking down the street. Stoned. OK, I won’t count that as two things. I was walking down the street. I was putting eye drops in my eyes. I was talking on my cellphone. And I was getting hit by a car.
I was in my peak physical condition when I was about like, uh... one. Oh God, I looked good, young and fresh! You wouldn't know me now if you'd seen me when I was one, you know? I even looked good for my age. People would come up to me and go, "what are you, zero?" And I'd go, "no, I'm one over here!"
You buy a new iPhone, a few months later, another new iPhone comes out, and you get online to buy another one. You can't get enough. You are addicted to Apple.