Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 95
Ellen Page says that the sexism in Hollywood is constant. You might remember her from her movie Juno, where she played a mouthy chick with no tits.
If all our national holidays were observed on Wednesdays, we could wind up with nine-day weekends.
My wife has cut me down to once a month, I'm lucky I know two guys she cut off completely.
I don’t know what the long form of OK is. I wanna think it’s okie dokie. ‘I’m okie dokie. I’m a little shaken up, but I’m okie dokie.’ ‘The good news is, she’s okie dokie. The surgery went fine.’
Never let the brain idle. "An idle mind is the devil’s workshop." And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.
When it comes to my daughter, I'm a conservative. But when it comes to your daughter, I'm a liberal!
I urge all our listeners to masturbate. Right now. Because it takes the wind right out of the sex drive. We don't want rapists going into society half-cocked and ready to go. If they masturbate, they'll say, "Uhh... I think I'll rape tomorrow instead."
Gilbert Gottfried is famously cheap. I’m impressed you’re here Gilbert. You gotta buy new clothes and take a week off work just to do this. But you showed up. You tightened your belt and you came. You’re like David Carradine.
One time, I was trying to get on a plane. They wouldn’t let me. They said I was too drunk to get on a plane. You know how wasted you have to be for someone to say, “Sir, you’re just too drunk to sit in a seat.”
Long ago you may have given up control of your brain and set it on autopilot either because it just felt like too much work. And it is work! But for me, this work was well worth it for the prospect of not waking up sad every day.
When they named a hurricane "Hurricane Ike", I went "finally, they have the balls to name a hurricane after a crack smoking, wife beating motherfucker."
How old is too old to stop believing in, like, the tooth fairy? Like 12? I've got a cousin who is 18... Yeah, still believes in gay marriage.
Sonny Von Bulow, who said to her husband Claus on their honeymoon, "Stop needling me." Never got a dinner!