Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 96
Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.
It always freaks me out when I go to a sushi place and there's a Mexican.
I was in my peak physical condition when I was about like, uh... one. Oh God, I looked good, young and fresh! You wouldn't know me now if you'd seen me when I was one, you know? I even looked good for my age. People would come up to me and go, "what are you, zero?" And I'd go, "no, I'm one over here!"
If I can make a teacher's salary doing comedy, I think that's better than being a teacher.
There are only three things women need in life: food, water, and compliments.
One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like "hey, there's an asshole."
I always thought music was more important than sex - then I thought if I don't hear a concert for a year-and-a-half it doesn't bother me.
I urge all our listeners to masturbate. Right now. Because it takes the wind right out of the sex drive. We don't want rapists going into society half-cocked and ready to go. If they masturbate, they'll say, "Uhh... I think I'll rape tomorrow instead."
I can hear the wheels grinding in your confrontational brains, 'If he loves movies, then why does he seem to hate every one that comes out?' Because most movies stink like 1929's garbage - a particularly bad year for garbage - that's why! If everything didn't suck, then I wouldn't hate everything. It's that simple.
Every holiday on the calendar, I check in a hotel and fast - I don't eat, I don't drink, I don't talk.
I think a lot of women look at prostitutes like they’re scabs crossing an union picket line, where they go: "You can’t just go out and sell it for what it’s worth, we’re holding out for so much more!"
There is no more embarrassing thing in my life that the fact that I have actually uttered the phrase, "I would like to order the Ginsu Knife."
Then the challenge is, once you left brain it and build it, then when you’re on stage you have to know it so well that you can get lost in it. I don’t want to be onstage looking like a robot, I want to be at the end of the day very emotional and what feels like someone being up there rather than reciting things. That’s always the challenge, to analyze and then somehow lose yourself in something you absolutely know backwards and forwards. And nothing’s going to surprise you, but you have to be surprised by it and let it surprise you.
The Police report said they stabbed this guy 51 times, bludgeoned him in the head with a heavy object 13 times and they shot him twice, so I figure this guy's by the door on the way out going, "You don't have to leave yet, do you? You haven't shoved a chainsaw up my ass yet! My head's still on my torso! I'm glad you fuckers can handle your high!"