Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 96

I was terrified when my doctor told me that I had a unique and interesting personality trait, but then he told me about new Zoloft or Prozac and now I just take three pills a day and I blend right into this horrible inbred corporate landscape.

It's hotter than a snake's ass in a wagon rut.

My wife's not too smart. I told her, our kids were spoiled. She said, "All kids smell that way."

We had a teacher, named Mr. Brown, and he was writing something on the board once - he was writing something on the board, and he farted. And you would have thought kids had seen the face of God. Kids weren't even laughing; they were just sitting there screaming, just screaming. Kids had to get carted out; kids were screaming. Kids had to get carted out, and they were going to the nurses' office. Kids are crying in the hallway. 'Oh, this is our 9/11.' And it was. It was their 9/11 'cause they never thought anything like that could ever happen.

'I'm against abortion, except like in cases of rape.' That's like saying, 'yes, a fetus is a human being, unless his dad is an asshole.'

Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.

Don’t idolize anyone if you can. You know, be inspired by people, certainly, but don’t idolize people… Because they’ll let you down.

It was a decision to work clean. I just prefer to work that way. I have no problem with comedians who don't work that way. There was a temptation in the early '70s to reconsider. I decided against it.

I’m at a very frustrating point in my career because I’m not a millionaire. Like, people assume because you’re in movies or TV, you’re rich. I’m not rich, but I’m far from broke. I’m what you call a ‘thousandaire.’

Once I saw a homeless man wearing his underwear on top of his pants. Now we say, why don’t the homeless just go out and get a job? If he’s wearing his underwear on top of his pants, I doubt his resume is in order, and I don’t think he’s going to make it too far in the interview process. In fact, I’m pretty sure that McDonald’s has a no underwear over your pant policy.

If I can make a teacher's salary doing comedy, I think that's better than being a teacher.

Community college is like a disco with books: "Here's ten dollars; let me get my learn on!"

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.

There's always 30 or 40 Christians standing around, saying, "It's a shame that he has to die." And Jesus is saying, "Well, maybe I wouldn't have to if somebody would get a ladder and pair of pliers!!"

If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips.