Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 94

There's always 30 or 40 Christians standing around, saying, "It's a shame that he has to die." And Jesus is saying, "Well, maybe I wouldn't have to if somebody would get a ladder and pair of pliers!!"

It think acceptance levels sort of swings back and forth. Like in the 60's there was a lot more freedom with sex that doesn't exist today. Language has gotten pushed a bit farther and violence is way far out.

I think the serving size of ice cream is when you hear the spoon hit the bottom of the container.

The key to a good life: excess in moderation. They’ll tell you moderation is the key to life, but that’s bullshit.

You know you're getting old when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.

If you break into my house, I will shoot you. My wife will shoot you and then spend thirty minutes telling you why she shot you.

Find out who you are and be that person. That's what your soul was put on this Earth to be. Find that truth, live that truth and everything else will come.

Age is strictly a case of mind over matter. If you don't mind, it doesn't matter.

Here's an uplifting story. Congratulations to the Little League team from Huntington Beach, California. Yeah, they beat Japan to win the Little League World Series. That's pretty good. See, that proves that when math and science aren't involved, our kids can beat anybody.

The bias of the mainstream media is toward sensationalism, conflict, and laziness.

Just open your heart man and accept that people are gay. Thousands, probably millions of people are gay. And until we find a cure - we will practice unconditional love and tolerance towards these people. And we will let them get married because they're easier to track that way.

Cars and women are a lot alike. They lie about the milage.

I bought my parents some stuff. That feels kind of good to be able to do that. I got them a place in Florida. I think I'm allowed to say that - I hope my dad doesn't get mad at me. But I don't spend money on myself. I don't like myself enough yet. But the people I love, I like spending the cash on them.

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

I think it's a good thing that emotional scars are invisible because if emotional scars were visible porn would be disgusting.