Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 963
When I was a kid I would write songs, little plays, and poetry in school. If you're an adult and you're a poet, it's all about love and pain, but if you're a kid it's, "Does anyone know a word that rhymes with shark?"
If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.
I did 15 shows a week when I lived in New York. I did five shows on a Friday and seven shows on a Saturday. It was everything I did and it was my sole source of income.
I've been married for 10 years and, you know, it's hard, you spruce it up and you go places. How do you spruce up anything? Artificially. You go places and do things.
It's weird with stand-up comedy. It doesn't really translate worldwide. I want to figure out how do I make it worldwide. Do a special in Africa. Can't beat that. Pull that off, then I will have done something.
Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
I just do my thing and try each show to be more honest about why I am and who I am. It's quite tricky and actually nerve-racking to do that. It's kind of a happy train wreck.
Dear semi hot girl taking photos on a boat. It's not your boat so stop acting like you own it. You drive a used Civic.
I am the the type to have a personal experience with a celebrity, but I'm too classy to bring that up.
Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex - my wife screwed in front of the jury.
"World War Z" is out today. The big zombie movie. The trailer looks scary. You see hordes of bodies climbing and rolling over each other. It’s like Black Friday at the mall.
They got this program called Intervention. White people get on planes and boats and buses then go all the way across country to save the one muthafucka in the family who’s on crack. Black people don’t do shit like that. If you’re on crack, that’s your business.
I’m not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That’s my range.