Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 963

Michelangelo’s girlfriend, who said to Angelo, "Forget the paint – let’s put a mirror on the ceiling." Never got a dinner!

'The ruckus' is different experiences you go through throughout your life which builds your ruckus points up - your tolerance. You've got to have a high tolerance for dealing with stuff all the time.

I don't like the word 'alcoholic'. I like to think of myself as an advanced drinker.

I don't have to edit myself. I get to be me, warts and all, and that's ultimately what people want, and to trust each other implicitly.

This is brought to you by HBO, which is a subsidiary of Time Warner, also owned by America Online. You've got mail! I hope you don't have stocks.

You might be a redneck if your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

When I told my wife she was lousy in bed - she went out - she got a second opinion.

I wasn't always black... there was this freckle, and it got bigger and bigger.

Life isn't something you possess. It's something you take part in, and you witness.

The only way woman can truly be completely satisfied is to get herself four different men--an old one, an ugly one, a Mandingo, and a gay guy.

People see me in the suit and they know I'm not fooling anyone, they know I'm rock and roll through and through.

Thank you people that are laughing with your hand away from your mouth. That joke is clearly not for everyone, but I enjoy watching people that don’t laugh make the people that do laugh feel shitty about themselves.

I love Las Vegas. I like that Las Vegas has everything. Everything and anything you want to do, you can do in Las Vegas.

Sometimes I try to take a nap before shows. That clears my head.

I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn't make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.