Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 963

I had to feign interest in all this nonsense until I could ask when I could come over and sit on his face. I didn't say that out loud, of course. I never say the things I really want to. If I did, I'd have no friends.

When I started stand-up, the first thing I did was to take an improv class.

It's common courtesy; he's doing most of the work; you've got to encourage him.

You might be a redneck if your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

You might be a redneck if the receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.

An adult western is where the hero still kisses his horse at the end, only now he worries about it.

Know someone you hate? Give their kid a kazoo!

Your mind is like a sponge, in the sense that it would come in handy when cleaning off a countertop or something like that.

Love is like a lost fart… if you have to force it, then it’s probably shit.

Back then, I was doing more of my impression of what a comic is supposed to do.

I never set out to do a sketch show.

I was reading the paper the other day because my neighbor got up late.

To me 30 isn't old. But it's definitely the beginning of no longer young. Because you notice little subtle things happen to you. You'll be in your car driving around listening to the radio and hear stuff like, "That's was an oldie from The Clash."

I can't swim. I can't drive, either. I was going to learn to drive but then I thought, well, what if I crash into a lake?

I love Las Vegas. I like that Las Vegas has everything. Everything and anything you want to do, you can do in Las Vegas.