Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 964

I am the Walrus, but not the one you're probably thinking of. I am the other Walrus, the one who is less the Walrus in the sense of legendary music and more the Walrus in the sense of his tendency to to lie around in places for too long.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

My first year on 'SNL', I made $90,000 dollars.

I'm thinking of a presidential bid; currently indexing and cross-referencing everyone I've tweeted my junk to. 8x10s available.

I would love to DJ the royal wedding. Just so I could play "Candle in the Wind" non-stop.

Some say the glass is half empty, some say the glass is half full, I say, are you going to drink that?

I love this game!

To get a man’s attention, just stand in front of TV and don’t move.

Your boyfriend worked your vagina like Rocky worked that side of beef for 45 minutes. A little blood is well within reason.

I love stand-up and I haven't given it up.

I went to the butchers to buy a leg of lamb. “Is it Scotch?”, I asked. “Why?” the butcher said in reply. Are you going to talk to it or eat it?”. “In that case, have you got any wild duck?”. “No”, he responded, “but I’ve got one I could aggravate for you”

Why would you listen to another human being tell you where you’re going to go when you die? <br /> “Dude, have you ever been dead?”<br /> “No.”<br /> “So, wouldn’t it be safe to assume that you wouldn’t have the slightest fucking idea what you’re talking about.”

I still do my comedy and my performance stuff and my acting so it's not all-consuming. But I do find myself drawing more and more these days.

I bought a portable cable TV.

I know I’m a little bit overweight myself. The other night someone shouted, “No shit!” I thought, “It could be that.”