Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 964
I'm so weird with women. I couldn't go up to a gorgeous woman and tell her the building's on fire. 'Don't take this the wrong way, uh. I don't mean to be weird and I'm not trying to be creepy, but the building's on fire...'
I used to have solutions in my act. I'd find a social ill of some kind and I’d rail about it, and then have a solution to that problem. And I’d throw a fist fuck joke in the middle to make it all fit under the umbrella of comedy. And now I just have fuck it let’s just kill a bunch of people.
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?
They charged me 15 dollars. That's how much it costs to only have 20 dollars.
We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.
Oprah's last show was today. On her last show, Oprah explained why she canceled the Apocalypse.
A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.
I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.
While I am venting hey oil companies why does gas cost different in different parts of the country. It's the same freaking gas.
I’m the sort of loser who succeeds really well and then drops a turd in the punch bowl.
If a guy truly likes you, but for personal reasons he needs to take things slow, he will let you know that immediately. He won’t keep you guessing, because he’ll want to make sure you don’ get frustrated and go away.
They’re calling Hooters now a family restaurant. Isn’t that hilarious? Tits for the whole family!