Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 964

I got 10 minutes I'm saving. If you do it, I'll do it.

In America you can always find a party. In Russia the party always finds you.

I know they don’t recommend Ibuprofen during pregnancy, but you needed something fast for the hangovers.

That is amazing! I mean these CEOs saying their own businesses are doing OK! I mean, it makes sense to take these CEOs word for it. For instance, I know O.J. Simpson. He told me he didn't kill anyone and he should know, he was there!

I've got stuff about airline mergers, which just shows that my stand-up is getting more insane by the minute.

It's hard to really look at somebody and go: "Hey, maybe something nice will happen." You just don't - I know too much about life to have any optimism, because I know even if it's nice, it's going to lead to shit. I know that if you smile at somebody and they smile back, you've just decided that something shitty is going to happen.

I shouldn’t say bad stuff about illiterate people. I should write it.

I think an invisible shit monster just dumped in my fridge but I can't figure out where the stank is coming from.

Why do kids always say peace out, I though peace was in.

You might be a redneck if the neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.

I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. So I looked closer. It was made of grass.

My first year on 'SNL', I made $90,000 dollars.

If a guy truly likes you, but for personal reasons he needs to take things slow, he will let you know that immediately. He won’t keep you guessing, because he’ll want to make sure you don’ get frustrated and go away.

When anything huge happens to me, I always think, this isn't my moment, this is a moment.

You might be a redneck if your favorite Christmas present was a painting on black velvet.