Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 962
I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
So I went to a club the other day, which is timely because my self esteem had been hovering right around ‘normal’ and I had been meaning to knock it down to negative 1000.
I just do my thing and try each show to be more honest about why I am and who I am. It's quite tricky and actually nerve-racking to do that. It's kind of a happy train wreck.
Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they’re funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.
I think there's too much mult-tasking going on. I think people need to quiet down and focus and be still more.
I was what they call a “fussy eater.” ‘He’s fussy! He’s a fussy eater!’ “Fussy eater” is a euphemism for “Big pain in the ass.”
I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.
I gotta work out. I keep saying it all the time. I keep saying I gotta start working out. It's been about two months since I've worked out. And I just don't have the time. Which uh... is odd. Because I have the time to go out to dinner. And uh... and watch tv. And get a bone density test. And uh... try to figure out what my phone number spells in words.
There's one in every family. When the police calls in the middle of the night and says "We've got a family members of yours under arrest" and you know directly who it is. In my family we have seven of those... And they are all my Mom!
After all, once you've driven your drunk father to your mom's parole hearing, what else is there?
It's easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.