Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 962

Thinking up jokes is easy. The hard part is trying them out on stage, because you never know if they’re funny until you get there. Not one comedian in the world ever really knows.

You might be a redneck if on stag night, you take a real deer.

Having a beard is a good way to make your face more susceptible to velcro.

When I lived in New york, they always had these ethnic day parades. I would get envious… You never see a parade for me. You never see a one fourth English, one fourth French, one fourth Italian, one fourth you don’t know what the hell you really are parade. Hey, it’s confused bastard honkey day parade.

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.

50 years: here's a time when you have to separate yourself from what other people expect of you, and do what you love. Because if you find yourself 50 years old and you aren't doing what you love, then what's the point?

Has anyone here ever been fully engulfed in fire? It's gotta be so hot!

I suppose you could be a member of a terrorist organization in a non-violent way, in the laundry or the catering department.

Perception is created and twisted so quickly.

If I could control the behavior of fat guys I would make them ride mopeds more often.

Aladdin, who said to his wife, "I know it’s not a lamp, keep rubbing!" Never got a dinner!

You might be a redneck if taking a dip has nothing to do with water.

Looking fifty is great - if you're sixty.

They go nuts. They flash me their boobs. And that's just the guys.

You might be a redneck if you missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.