Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 962
When you walk into the public restroom, why is everything fucking wet?
It's unbelievable. People are so desperate to get home. The trains come very regularly, you see them, one minute, two minutes, three minutes... this means nothing to people. As soon as you get on the platform it's a level playing field. I don't care when you arrived, I'm getting on this train.
Why would anyone want to put a mosque at ground zero when we could put a Six Flags at ground zero?
When I was a kid I would write songs, little plays, and poetry in school. If you're an adult and you're a poet, it's all about love and pain, but if you're a kid it's, "Does anyone know a word that rhymes with shark?"
My mom had gossip dyslexia... she'd gossip in front of people's backs.
I've been married for 10 years and, you know, it's hard, you spruce it up and you go places. How do you spruce up anything? Artificially. You go places and do things.
Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
I'm sorry, was that homophobic? No--I think it was, 'cause I hear that a lot. Dave, What?, You're talking about being gay. You probably secretly are gay. And I'm like listen voice in my head, I'm not! HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? HOW DO YOU KNOW YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT? I know I wouldn't like it, other scarier voice in my head! Cause one time while making a sandwich, a cucumber went up my ass. Three times.
If I ever get the chance, I'd like to force a mailman to eat his own mail.
Dear semi hot girl taking photos on a boat. It's not your boat so stop acting like you own it. You drive a used Civic.
Group sex, are you kidding, I had group sex - my wife screwed in front of the jury.
According to a recent survey, men say the first thing they notice about women is their eyes. And women say the first thing they notice about men is they're a bunch of liars.
Tracy Morgan apologizes for his homophobic rant, still no apologies for the sketch about the guy living under the street.