Comedy Quotes & Jokes / page 962

In these tough economic times, everybody has to cut back. I am down to three tabs of ecstasy a day.

A man walks into a pet shop and says: "Give me a wasp." The shopkeeper replies: "We don't sell wasps." He says: "There's one in the window."

Gay comics have actually gotten popular. Which I think is great. Somebody called be up from Tulsa, Oklahoma and they said “We’re putting a comedy show together and we called you because we need a strong lesbian.” <br /> “You want me to tell jokes or move stuff?”

I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.

I was a Brownie Scout mother.

It`s all been satirized for your protection.

Called somebody an “Indian giver” recently. They were really offended so I had to take it back.

First grade show-and-tell, I taught the class to mix Long Island Iced Teas. From scratch.

I don't really know much about pirates, or pirate culture. I'd be a contrarian pirate.

You might be a redneck if on stag night, you take a real deer.

"World War Z" is out today. The big zombie movie. The trailer looks scary. You see hordes of bodies climbing and rolling over each other. It’s like Black Friday at the mall.

A new study says by 2030 household robots will dominate every phase of our lives. The study says the No. 1 field for robot growth is medicine. That makes sense. Robots already perform well in surgery. That is, until there is a power outage. Then it’s just a coat rack leaning over you as you bleed to death.

Tracy Morgan apologizes for his homophobic rant, still no apologies for the sketch about the guy living under the street.

I used to be indecisive but now I am not quite sure.

My dog is so old, she now has a lot of cats.