Quotes & Jokes by Henny Youngman / page 4

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

He's an agent now. He must know talent. He gave up acting.

Doctor says to a man "You're pregnant!" The man says "How does a man get pregnant?" The doctor says "The usual way, a little wine, a little dinner..."

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

Why do Jewish divorces cost so much? They're worth it.

Doctor, I have a ringing in my ears. "Don't answer!"

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

A doctor says to a man "You want to improve your love life? You need to get some exercise. Run ten miles a day." Two weeks later, the man called the doctor. The doctor says "How is your love life since you have been running?" "I don't know, I'm 140 miles away!"

Last night I ordered a whole meal in French. Even the waiter was amazed - it was a Chinese restaurant!

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

I'm now making a Jewish porno film. 10% Sex, 90% guilt.

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"

In high school football, the coach kept me on the bench all year. On the last game of the season, the crowd was yelling, "We want Youngman! We want Youngman!" The coach says, "Youngman - go see what they want!"

In a blackout, a Polish man was stuck on an escalator for two hours. I asked him "Why didn't you walk down?" He said, "because I was going up!"